George: You and Mary working together is a bad idea considering... you know, you and me.
Brenda Sparks: We haven't done anything, George.
George: But there was considering. You know there was.
Brenda Sparks: [scoffs] What do you want me to do? You want me to fire her?
George: No, no. That'd be weird.
Brenda Sparks: Which is exactly where we started. Good night. [exits]
George: [to chicken] You understand what I'm saying. [chicken squawks]

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Georgie: You know what else is nice?
George: Hmm?
Georgie: I get to learn from all your parenting mistakes.
George: I'm starting to think letting you live this long was one of 'em.
Georgie: Like that. I'd never say something so awful to my kid. [George scoffs] Thanks, big guy.

Georgie: A bill? Really?
George: Room and board, buddy.
Georgie: $50 a month for food?
George: The way you eat, I should've gone $50 a week.
Georgie: Laundry services?
George: Your poor mother has to touch your underwear.
Georgie: What's the $10 a month "peema" charge?
George: Oh, P-I-M-A, that's a "Pain in My Ass" tax. My way of getting compensated for you taking years off my life.

Meemaw: [on the phone] But I want to be clear, this is just one of those... Whatcha call it... Uh, platonic things. We're just having dinner.
Dr. Linkletter: I'll take it. Now, would you prefer a restaurant or some good home cooking? I make seven kinds of soup.
Meemaw: I think I'll just stick with a restaurant.
Dr. Linkletter: Fair enough, but one day, you'll try my mushroom barley, and your taste buds will swoon.
Meemaw: Good night, Grant. [starts to put down phone]
Dr. Linkletter: The secret is how long I cook the onions.

Meemaw: So... this is unexpected.
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I know you like margaritas, so my first thought was a Mexican restaurant.
Meemaw: Good thought.
Dr. Linkletter: But I assumed other men had come to that same conclusion.
Meemaw: They have.
Dr. Linkletter: Which led me to Polynesian fare. I like to think of the Mai Tai as the margarita of the South Pacific.
Meemaw: You don't do anything on a whim, do you?
Dr. Linkletter: Did once, didn't like it.

Missy: We could let people punch you for a buck.
Sheldon: No, all our profit would just go to medical expenses.