Sheldon: Where are my safety goggles?
Tam: I don't have no orange today.
Sheldon: No, I have a lab later.
Tam: Just use the room goggles like everyone else.
Sheldon: And risk eyebrow lice? They don't just like head hair, Tam. They must be in my locker. [walks off] Don't eat my fluffernutter!
Tam: I won't. [eats fluffernutter] Mmm. [imitates Sheldon] "Don't eat my fluffernutter."

Mary: You smoke marijuana?
Sheldon: Mom!
Libby: No, ma'am.
Tam: Just say no. [Mary shoots him an unimpressed look]

Tam: Spending the Thanksgiving weekend working in my family's convenience store, I observed my father and mother working from 6:00 in the morning till 10:00 at night. My hypothesis was that economic advancement for immigrant families is more important than celebrating a holiday where people eat until they pass out in front of the TV.
Mr. Givens: All right, Tam. Well, based on your observations and hypothesis, were you able to make a prediction?
Tam: Yes. At some point, my father would die prematurely from stress. And my mother will come live with me, where she will constantly disapprove of my hot, blonde, American wife.
Mr. Givens: Okay. Uh, I think we all learned something there. Uh, thank you, Tam.

Tam: Hey, I've been looking all over for you. Do you know how popular we are?
Sheldon: We?
Tam: Yeah. I put the word out I was helping you with the football stats. And since I'm Asian, they bought it.

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Sheldon: Do you think I can make it from one end of the college campus to the other in under ten minutes, including a bathroom break?
Mary: I don't know. How important is the bathroom break?
Sheldon: Very. The class schedules are designed for fully-grown bladders, and mine is child-sized.
Mary: Then don't put your classes so close together.
Sheldon: Well, it's either this or I move my labs to Tuesday afternoons.
Mary: Is that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. That's when Professor Proton is on.
Mary: Well, we'll tape it, and you can watch it later.
Sheldon: But what if I have a lot of homework and can't get to it until the next day and one of the kids in my class spoils the episode for me?
Mary: Sheldon, has anyone ever spoiled Professor Proton for you?
Sheldon: No.
Mary: Has anyone even talked to you about Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Do you count?
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Then no.