Dale: I want to live so long I start looking like a mummy.
Meemaw: [chuckles] You're off to a strong start.
Dale: Hey.

Meemaw: I can't believe we have to drink so much of that garbage.
Dale: [sighs] Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear.
Meemaw: You are so full of crap.
Dale: Well, not for much longer. Excuse me, the festivities have begun.
Meemaw: You're taking that whole thing with you?
Dale: I'm gonna be a while.

Mary: Why are you readin' the Bible?
Missy: I felt bad about last night, so I thought it might be good for me.
Mary: Where are you going with this?
Missy: Nowhere, I just want to make you happy.
Mary: Uh-huh.
Missy: "And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses."
Mary: Okay. Stop.
Missy: What? I'm just reading from Genesis.
Mary: Well, cut it out.
Missy: Fine. Let's try Exodus. "And on the seventh day thou shalt rest: that thine ox and thine ass may rest."
Mary: That is it, you are grounded.
Missy: For reading the Bible?
Mary: The way you are doing it, yes. Go to your room.
Missy: Okay. I don't have a donkey. But if I did, I'd take my ass out of here.

[dream sequence:]
Male voice: Psst. Hey-a, kid.
Sheldon: [grunts] Who is it?
Male voice: It's me. The envelope with the IRS check.
Sheldon: What do you want?
Male voice: You can't let him send me. You didn't make a mistake.
Sheldon: Oh, I know that, but it's too late.
Male voice: It's not. The check isn't due for 30 days.
Sheldon: So?
Male voice: Just go in the kitchen and take me off the pile. Buy yourself some time to straighten this out.
Sheldon: But tampering with the mail is a federal offense.
Male voice: I'm not mail yet. I'm not in the mailbox. That's the law.
Sheldon: But what if my dad notices you're missing?
Male voice: Do it after he leaves for work. He'll never know.
Sheldon: That's brilliant.
Male voice: I'm not real, so technically, you thought of it.
Sheldon: That makes more sense.

Adult Sheldon: The next morning, I patiently waited for my father to leave for work.
Sheldon: Are you leaving for work?
George: Yeah?
Sheldon: [stares intently at George] See you. Bye.
George: Bye. [exits]
Adult Sheldon: I leapt into action. My heart was pounding. I don't know what kind of bladder control professional spies have, but this first-timer needed to pee pronto.

Meemaw: It's no big deal.
Dale: It's a colonoscopy.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: So, one of those words means "colon," and the other means "shoving a camera up it."
Meemaw: Mm. I'm surprised you need one. Did you tell him about the salad?
Dale: It's not funny.
Meemaw: Stop being such a baby. Something I have pushed out of my body. You can do this.
Dale: Wait, wait, I got an idea. Why don't we do it together?
Meemaw: What? No.
Dale: Come on. It'll be romantic.
Meemaw: You're weird.

George: What the hell? Why are we getting audited?
Sheldon: What? Are you sure it doesn't say "applauded"? Perhaps for a job well done?
George: We're being audited for the last three years of our tax returns. I don't get it. I mailed in that check a week ago.
Sheldon: About that. I can explain.
George: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I just needed some time to prove there were no errors in my work.
George: What did you do?
Sheldon: I took the check before Mom mailed it.
George: What?
Sheldon: But I called the IRS and sorted things out.
George: Clearly you didn't. I told you to let it go.
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
George: This could end up costing us a fortune.
Sheldon: I can fix it.
George: No. I'm gonna hire an accountant and have him handle it right.
Sheldon: But I want to help.
George: You've helped enough. Go to your room.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

Missy: Why didn't you eat with us?
Sheldon: I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me.
Missy: Mom's not thrilled with me, either.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: Mom made chicken, and I said chickens cluck a lot, so they should be called "cluckers." And some chickens are moms, so you could call them "mother..."
Sheldon: I don't care.
Missy: Mom sure did.
Missy: What did you do wrong?
Sheldon: I got Dad in trouble with the IRS. He has to hire an accountant, which could cost us a lot of money.
Missy: Dang, makes me not want to have kids.

Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Well, hey. Well, you missed it. Some old broad went nuts over there and threw her pool cue on the table. She's crazy.
Meemaw: Mm. Sorry.

George: So how's it look? Do I owe a lot of money? I don't have a lot of money.
Nancy: Mm-hmm, I can see that. Who did these?
George: Why? Is it that bad?
Nancy: They're impeccable.
George: Oh... Actually, it was my son.
Nancy: Well, why don't you just use him for the audit?
George: He's 11.
Nancy: An 11-year-old did these?
George: Actually, he might've been nine at the time. I'm not good with birthdays.

George: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
George: Playing with your trains?
Sheldon: I'm punishing myself by looking at them, but not allowing myself to run them.
George: You don't have to punish yourself.
Sheldon: Because you'd rather do it? That's fair.
George: No.
Sheldon: It's okay. I deserve it.

George: Hello. I'm George Cooper. This is my son Sheldon.
Malcolm Green: Yes, we spoke on the phone.
Sheldon: You look exactly like you sound. Not everybody does.

Malcolm Green: So you are remarkably well-versed in the tax code.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Malcolm Green: It's nice of you to do your parents' returns for free every year.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't do it for free. My dad buys me a model train afterwards.
Malcolm Green: Interesting. So you accept payment even though you're not a licensed tax professional? In clear violation of federal law.
[fantasy: Sheldon and Agent Green are playing chess again:]
Malcolm Green: Check.
Adult Sheldon: I had walked right into his trap.
[reality:]
Sheldon: Excuse me, I need to use the restroom. [exits]
George: So, catch that Cowboys game last...
Malcolm Green: No.
George: Yeah.

Dale: [answers phone] Ballard's.
Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Hey, what's up?
Meemaw: You'll be happy to know I went out and got a checkup.
Dale: Fantastic.
Meemaw: Yeah, great, just great. And now you can shut up about it.
Dale: Well, how'd it go?
Meemaw: Good news, bad news.
Dale: Uh-oh.
Meemaw: Good news is I'm fine.
Dale: Well, now, isn't that comforting to know?
Meemaw: Don't be smug.
Dale: So what's the bad news?
Meemaw: He wants me to have a colonoscopy.
Dale: Great! Oh, my gosh, we can do it together! Can't you just feel the romance?
Meemaw: No, you weirdo.

Malcolm Green: So... where were we?
[fantasy: Sheldon and Agent Green are once again playing chess:]
Malcolm Green: Check.
Sheldon: It's true. I made a mistake. But my dad taught me that's okay. Wait. My dad's a teacher. Which means, my doing our taxes wasn't work for-hire, but an economics lesson he was teaching me. Therefore, the train he bought me wasn't payment for unlicensed work, it was a reward for successfully completing my lesson. So it does not violate the statute, and since the value of the train is less than $10,000, there's no additional gift tax. Checkmate.
Malcolm Green: [sighs] [applause]
[reality:]
Malcolm Green: Well, I guess that wraps it up.