Adult Sheldon: Before that disembodied voice on AOL started saying, "You've got mail," we relied on my mom.
Mary: Shelly, you've got mail!
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought great joy.
Sheldon: Greetings, Mr. Spock.
Adult Sheldon: Some mail brought pain.
Mary: George, you got jury duty!
George Sr.: Tell 'em I died!
Adult Sheldon: And one time, mail caused a war between neighbors rivaling that of the Klingon Empire and the Federation, which trust me was a doozy.

Adult Sheldon: Eventually, my mother relented and returned our things with a few minor adjustments.
Missy: What's The Moosewood Gang?
Mary: They solve mysteries while they learn about God.
Missy: Great.
Adult Sheldon: Georgie got his music back.
George Jr.: [as Jesus Christ Superstar plays] What the hell is this?
Adult Sheldon: And as for college, my mother and father discussed it and decided that ten was too young. So I didn't start till the ripe old age of 11. In the meantime I had the key to one sweet bathroom.

Mary: George is no prize either. Not worrying about what's right for Sheldon.
Meemaw: Well, what do you think is right for him?
Mary: Honestly? I don't know. I know that he's bored in high school, but he's just so young for college.
Meemaw: Well, it sounds like they're trying to set George up there for him.
Mary: I know. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not ready for my baby to grow up.
Meemaw: No mother ever is.
Mary: I just want to keep my family safe.
Meemaw: I know. But at some point, you got to let them go. And then one day, if you're lucky, they'll move across the street from you and absolutely ruin your life. Seriously, get those people out of my house.
Mary: Okay.

Meemaw: Okay, we got a problem. I don't know what kind of religious gobbledygook you're going through, but it is starting to affect me.
Mary: Your hands aren't clean in this.
Meemaw: I beg your pardon.
Mary: Your new friend Dale is encouraging Georgie to be obsessed with money.
Meemaw: Your husband's no good at it. You ought to be happy your son is.

Mary: Greed has entered into your hearts, especially you two.
George Sr.: It has not.
Mary: Is that a gold whistle?
George Sr.: Huh? No. It's- It's a gift. Now, where's our stuff? We want it back.
Mary: I'm not telling.
George Sr.: Mary, don't make me ask again.
Mary: Or what?

George Sr.: You want to explain yourself?
Mary: I am taking our house back from the forces of evil.
George Jr.: What's evil about Black Sabbath?
Missy: You're not helping.

Mary: That is it! I am taking this house back from the devil.
Missy: Hey.
Adult Sheldon: I've been accused of overreacting from time to time. But perhaps it's hereditary, because look at my mommy go.

Mary: I think this show is teaching you bad lessons.
Missy: Don't worry. I'm a slow learner.
Mary: Is that Goober? Where did you get that?
Missy: Georgie got it for me. He's rich now.

Sheldon: You wanted to see me?
Principal Petersen: When don't I want to see you, Sheldon? Come in. I have something I'd like to give you. This is a key to the faculty restroom. No students allowed. One person at a time. And unlike the other restrooms, this one gets cleaned every night.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Principal Petersen: No, Sheldon. Thank you.
Sheldon: You're welcome.

Sheldon: Are we going to watch an educational film?
Mr. Givens: We're gonna watch Star Trek.
Sheldon: Star Trek in school? Wowie Zowie.

Ms. MacElroy: These are the flyers for the canned food drive. And, Sheldon, you'll be happy to know, I made sure they were cut perfectly, so that each one has exactly one and a half holes.
Sheldon: But mine has half a hole on the top, and Derek's here has half a hole on the bottom.

Ms. Ingram: Oh! There's my man.
Sheldon: Where?
Ms. Ingram: You, silly.
Sheldon: I'm neither a man, nor silly, but all right.
Ms. Ingram: You're so funny, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, well, that I am.

George Sr.: What's this? "Reserved for Coach Cooper." Would you look at that. They gave me a parking spot right by the door.
Sheldon: Why?
George Sr.: I guess they're starting to appreciate my talents around here.
Sheldon: Why?

Sheldon: Then Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Crusher has a plan to use neutrinos to locate him, since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Sheldon: It is. I recorded the episode. I'll show it to you tonight.
George Sr.: That's okay. You did such a good job explaining it, I feel like I saw it.
Sheldon: You're still seeing it.

Mary: Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?
Pastor Jeff: We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes. It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no purchase.
Mary: Is that what you've done in your home?
Pastor Jeff: Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time. Take that, Satan.

Mary: Well, um, I'm concerned George and Georgie might be succumbing to the sin of greed.
Pastor Jeff: Ooh, that's a biggie.
Mary: Ever since Georgie started making money, he's been very disrespectful. Meanwhile, my husband's so busy trying to land a better job, he doesn't even care how it might affect Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I'm sorry to hear that. In Luke 12:15, Jesus says, "Watch out. Be on your guard against all kinds of greed. Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions."
Mary: I know, but it seems like the whole world is sending the opposite message.
Pastor Jeff: Don't I know it. Just the other day, I was at the mall and a toaster oven caught my eye. Next thing you know, I was in line to buy it, and I realized I have a toaster and I have an oven. What am I doing? Turns out Satan doesn't just hide out in honky-tonks and casinos. Sometimes he's in the appliance section of Sears.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mary. What's up?
Mary: Can I speak with you about a spiritual matter?
Pastor Jeff: My sweet spot. Sit. What's the buzz? Tell me, what's a-happenin'? Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a great show.

Principal Petersen: Hold your horses. If Sheldon walks out that door, our test scores drop hard. That affects funding, which affects your salaries.
Ms. Ingram: Ugh. Well, how can we help?
Principal Petersen: Y'all need to make George and Sheldon so happy here they want to stay.
Ms. MacElroy: Oh, come on.
Mr. Givens: Isn't there anything else we can do?
Principal Petersen: Yeah, Mr. Givens. You could do a better job at teaching the other students so we don't rely on one boy to pull up everyone's grades.
Mr. Givens: Fine. We'll be nice to Sheldon.

Principal Petersen: I've asked you all here because we got a situation. George Cooper's considering a job at a college and taking Sheldon with him.
Mr. Givens: Yes!
Ms. MacElroy: Is it far away? I hope it's far away.
Mr. Givens: Maybe it's overseas.
Ms. Ingram: Ooh, like Fiji.

George Sr.: Hey! You would not believe the wheelin' and dealin' I did today. I'm playing the high school and the university against each other. Hey, what do you say we go out to dinner?
Meemaw: Chi-Chi's is good.
George Sr.: Ooh, chimichangas.