Mary: Missy, let this be a lesson to you. The love of money is the root of all evil.

George Jr.: Later.
Mary: Georgie Cooper. Do not walk out of that door. Georgie!
Meemaw: That's a kerfuffle.

George Jr.: What's for dinner?
Mary: Meatloaf.
George Jr.: Oh. I think I'm gonna go out to eat.
Mary: No, you are not. We're having dinner as a family.
George Jr.: Yeah, but I got money now and I can do what I want. And what I want is a chimichanga at Chi-Chi's.
Missy: I want a chimichanga from Chi-Chi's.
Meemaw: They do have a good margarita.
Mary: [to Georgie] You are eating here. [Missy] So are you. [Meemaw] I don't care what you do.

Mary: Bit of a kerfuffle at the church today. Pastor Jeff promised Patricia Richards she could sing "How Great Thou Art" on Sunday, but I had already printed in the bulletin that Karen Baker was gonna sing it. They agreed to a duet, but it was touch and go.
Meemaw: Mm.
Missy: What's a kerfuffle?
Meemaw: Not that.

Sheldon: I have a problem with this permission slip. You didn't cut them in half evenly. Mine has two holes, and Derek here just has one.
Ms. MacElroy: Then trade.
Sheldon: Then Derek will have two holes, and mine will have one.
Ms. MacElroy: You're not going to the water park anyway!

George Sr.: So, that's why I wanted to give you a heads-up.
Principal Petersen: I got to tell you, George, this is a real blow.
George Sr.: Appreciate it. But, uh, yeah, you'll find someone. There's a lot of good coaches out there.
Principal Petersen: Not you. Sheldon.
George Sr.: Sheldon? I thought everyone would be thrilled for him to leave.
Principal Petersen: Don't get me wrong, your kid is a royal pain in the ass. However, his state test scores are so extraordinary, the school actually gets more funding because of it.
George Sr.: You serious?
Principal Petersen: Serious as the fire alarms, which are now functional. And always were, if anyone asks.

George Sr.: [on the phone] Well, thank you. That's a very generous offer. Let me discuss it with my family, and I'll get back to you. Bye.
Coach Wilkins: What was that about?
George Sr.: Are you my family?
Coach Wilkins: I don't know. I like to think of myself as your work wife.

Mary: What kind of job?
George Jr.: Salesman.
Mary: Well, congratulations.
George Jr.: I'm gonna learn a lot from him. He's real good at getting people to spend money on stuff they don't need.
Mary: Well, I don't know if I like the sound of that.
George Jr.: You know what I like the sound of? Ka-ching. [opens soda can]

Meemaw: Hey. Dale give you a good price on those weights?
George Jr.: Better. He gave me a job.
Meemaw: Damn. He did have fun last night.

Missy: Ooh. 35 cents off Goober.
Mary: What's Goober?
Missy: Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Think about how much time we'd save.

George Jr.: You're a really good salesman.
Dale: Well, yeah. Not only that, I get a kickback on everybody I send down to Ed's.
George Jr.: You're awesome.
Dale: I know.

George Jr.: Scuse me. You Mr. Ballard?
Dale: Yeah, that'd be me.
George Jr.: I'm Georgie, Connie Tucker's grandson.
Dale: Oh, yeah. The hair. Very pretty.

George Sr.: The university wants to offer me a coaching job if it'll help to get Sheldon to go there full-time.
Mary: Oh. We talked about this. College might be too much for him.
George Sr.: I know. That's why I'd be there, you know, to help him over the rough spots.
Mary: I don't know, George.
George Sr.: Can't hurt to see what the offer is.
Mary: There are more important things than money.
George Sr.: That's cute. You should knit that on a pillow.
Mary: [to herself] Maybe I'll push that pillow over your face.

Sheldon: How was Dr. Sturgis?
George Sr.: He's fine.
Sheldon: What did you two talk about?
George Sr.: I don't know. S-Stuff.
Sheldon: Science stuff?
George Sr.: No. Just regular stuff.
Sheldon: Ooh, I bet he talked about me. What did he say about me?
George Sr.: Sheldon, everything isn't about you. Okay? Go to your room.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Mary: What'd y'all talk about?
George Sr.: Sheldon.

Dr. John Sturgis: Anyway, I believe they're willing to, uh, exceed your current salary by a substantial amount.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes. They thought it would incentivize you.
George Sr.: Well, John, they're not wrong.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent! Na zdrowie.
George Sr.: What the hell. Na zdrowie.

Dr. John Sturgis: They thought it would be easier on the family if you were employed at the university.
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, that way, you could drive Sheldon and keep an eye on him while he's there.
George Sr.: But I'm a football coach. Does the school even have a team?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, yes, they do. They- They don't win much, but they lead the league in injuries.

Dr. John Sturgis: So, uh, the university has taken notice of Sheldon's talents, and they would very much like him to enroll full-time.
George Sr.: Yeah, we've been down this road, John. Sheldon's only ten. Mary and I both have jobs. We just can't make it work.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's why they asked me to speak to you. They're looking to sweeten the pot. That's a gambling metaphor. A lesser-known version is "sweeten the kitty." I assume the difference is regional, but I'm no etymologist. This beer is yummy. Mmm!

George Sr.: So, what's up?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, Sheldon has been doing extraordinarily well in his college physics class.
George Sr.: I know. He made me put his test up on the fridge, next to Missy's drawing of her hand as a turkey.

Dr. John Sturgis: Na zdrowie! That's, uh, "to our health" in Russian.
George Sr.: This is not the place to talk Russian.

George Sr.: [on the phone] Hey, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: George. John Sturgis here.
George Sr.: That's why I said "Hey, John."
Dr. John Sturgis: Great. I was wondering if we could go out for a beer and talk.
George Sr.: Oh. Well, aren't we talking right now?
Dr. John Sturgis: Yes, but we had so much fun last time, I thought we could do it again.
George Sr.: Gee, John, last time, you got drunk and threw up in my glove compartment.
Dr. John Sturgis: Did I? [laughs] Well, while I don't remember any of that happening, I promise to be on my best behavior. And the drinks are on me.