Mary: Shelly and this college stuff is killing me. I... I never went to college. How can I prepare him?
Brenda Sparks: Mary, if that kid is smart enough to have colleges wanting him already, he's got to be smart enough to figure it out.
Mary: Maybe. It still hurts to hear him say he wants to leave.
Brenda Sparks: I bet. On the other hand, I'm worried my Billy will never be ready to leave.
Mary: Oh, of course he will.
Brenda Sparks: Damn. Smoking, drinking, lying. You're covering all the sins today.

Mary: So, George is mad at me, and Sheldon is mad at me, and... honestly, I'm mad at me, too.
Brenda Sparks: Will you please give yourself a break? All that you do for that family, I am surprised you didn't crack years ago.
Mary: How do you handle it all?
Brenda Sparks: I'm sitting in a chicken coop drinking a wine cooler at 11:00 a.m.... clearly, I don't.

George Sr.: Anyway, that leaves us with the big question: how do we get your mom on board with you going where Sturgis teaches?
Sheldon: Well, how did you get her to agree to marry you?
George Sr.: Oh, that won't work. She doesn't drink anymore.

George Sr.: So, we agree that the only way this is gonna happen right now is if you stay local.
Sheldon: I can always go away for grad school someday. And truth be told, I don't have the emotional maturity to squish my own bugs.

Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey, um... I was just kidding around.
Mary: I know.
Brenda Sparks: Why don't you come over here?
Mary: Really?
Brenda Sparks: And bring the pack. We'll go in the chicken coop, where God can't see us.

Brenda Sparks: Oh, my God. You smoke?
Mary: What? No.
Brenda Sparks: Then your face is on fire.
Mary: It's just the one. I'm going through a rough patch.
Brenda Sparks: What happened? The bookmark fall out of your Bible, and you lost your place?
Mary: No.
Brenda Sparks: You run out of room on your fridge for Sheldon's perfect report cards?

George Sr.: Okay, the "X" is you. College is the goal. What stands between you and the goal line?
Sheldon: Mom.
George Sr.: Exactly. She's a tough opponent, so we got to be smart about how we get around her.
Sheldon: Which won't be easy, because she's got Jesus on her team.
George Sr.: Boy howdy.

Sheldon: Now you don't want me to go to college either?
George Sr.: I didn't say that. I'm just saying, given how young you are, we need to be realistic.
Sheldon: I'll have you know I recently took care of my own boo-boo.
George Sr.: And as grown-up as that makes you sound, I don't think it's gonna convince your mother.
Sheldon: What will convince her?
George Sr.: I don't know, but I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with a plan.
Sheldon: Well, you managed to get her to marry you, so you do have a track record.

Missy: You know this is your fault.
Sheldon: You're the one who read the letter.
Missy: You went in her nightstand.
Sheldon: I was only looking for a flashlight. It's not my fault Mom was hiding things there.
Missy: They're fighting 'cause you're a freak. That's your fault. You know I'm right.

Mary: Where have you been?
George Jr.: Trying to find a job, but no one's hiring.
Mary: I'm sorry. Grab a plate and sit with us.
George Jr.: I ain't hungry. [exits]
Mary: So, where were we? Oh. Boys.
Missy: Georgie, come back.

Missy: This is weird.
Mary: I think it's nice. We don't usually get to chat, just us.
Missy: Yeah, I guess.
Mary: How are things in school?
Missy: Fine.
Mary: Still having fun at baseball?
Missy: Mm-hmm.
Mary: So, any boys you like?
George Jr.: [enters] Hey.
Missy: Thank God.

Mary: Hey. What are you doing with him? I thought you were in your room.
Sheldon: Oh, don't worry. I was.
George Sr.: I need to talk to your mother. Go back to your room.
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: And this time, stay there.
Sheldon: Aw.

George Sr.: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I want to know why no one told me about this recruitment letter from Caltech.
George Sr.: Let me see that.
Mr. Givens: All right, let's get me drunk.
Sheldon: Hi, Mr. Givens.
Mr. Givens: Aw, come on!

Sheldon: Dad.
George Sr.: What the hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: I need to talk to you.
George Sr.: How'd you even find me?
Sheldon: It's not like you come home smelling like coffee.

Coach Wilkins: All right, who's hotter... Cindy Crawford or Jessica Rabbit?
George Sr.: One's a person, one's a cartoon.
Coach Wilkins: And you couldn't get either one of 'em. Now answer the question.

Adult Sheldon: I was angry at my mother and needed more information. While she told me to go to my room, she didn't say stay there. Boy howdy, I do love a loophole.

Mary: I'm home.
Sheldon: Would you care to explain this letter, which I didn't read but legally know the contents of?

Missy: Say cheese.
Sheldon: Cheese. [camera shutter clicks] Now tell me what was in that letter.
Missy: You're pretty cranky for a princess rodeo clown.

Sheldon: [on the phone] So if I don't actually look at the letter, legally I'm in the clear? Thank you. This has been very helpful. And if in the future, you have any physics questions, Janice has my info.

Meemaw: Wait a minute. He fired you?
George Jr.: Yeah.
Meemaw: After you gave him the money back?
George Jr.: He didn't tell you?
Meemaw: We haven't exactly been on speaking terms lately.
George Jr.: Oh. I didn't know.
Meemaw: But we're about to be on yelling terms.
George Jr.: This is exciting.