Sheldon: Where are my safety goggles?
Tam: I don't have no orange today.
Sheldon: No, I have a lab later.
Tam: Just use the room goggles like everyone else.
Sheldon: And risk eyebrow lice? They don't just like head hair, Tam. They must be in my locker. [walks off] Don't eat my fluffernutter!
Tam: I won't. [eats fluffernutter] Mmm. [imitates Sheldon] "Don't eat my fluffernutter."

Sheldon: Just think. You'll have this table all to yourself.
Tam: Actually, I joined the jazz band. Those guys have their own table in the cafeteria.
Sheldon: Oh.
Tam: They're pretty cool. The drummer's even got a goatee.
Sheldon: Well, I'm glad I knew you before you became a heroin addict.

Sheldon: I imagine my leaving will be hard for you.
Tam: Oh, yeah, being best friends with a little kid really boosted my game with the ladies.
Sheldon: Makes sense. I'm a conversation starter.

Principal Petersen: One other bit of business. Since you're graduating early, and you're top of the class, that makes you our valedictorian.
George Sr.: Way to go, buddy!
Mary: I'm so proud of you, baby.
Sheldon: You seem surprised.
Mary: Well, it's quite an accomplishment.
Sheldon: Being top of the class in this school? I don't think so.
Principal Petersen: We're really gonna miss you.

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George Sr.: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George Sr.: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Adult Sheldon: I never understood why kids didn't like being sent to the principal's office. I thought it was great.
Principal Petersen: Sheldon, you are a remarkable young man.
Sheldon: Thanks, and you're a remarkable old man.
Mary: Sheldon.
George Sr.: So you sure he's got all the credits he needs?
Principal Petersen: Yeah, between his coursework and his AP tests, he's met all of his academic requirements. He even managed to get a good grade in P.E.
Sheldon: I earned extra credit snitching on kids who were smoking behind the equipment shed.
Principal Petersen: I don't have to buy cigarettes for a year.

George Jr.: Oh, dang! Nice!
Meemaw: It ain't my first egging. Whoo! Good one!
George Jr.: Ain't mine, neither.
Meemaw: [laughs] Here's for firing my grandson... jackass!

[As Sheldon finally retrieves the errant piece of hot dog meat from under the refrigerator:]
Sheldon: Whew. That was driving me crazy. Thank you for getting me into college.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper, ready for college, ready to change the world.
George Sr.: Cut.
Sheldon: If that doesn't convince her, I don't know what her problem is.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Hi, Mary. I know this must be a hard decision for you. I can't tell you how to parent your child. I don't have children. But... I can tell you... that in all my years in academia, I've never seen a mind like Sheldon's. He's truly extraordinary. And if you let him come here, I promise we'll take good care of him.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Mr. Givens: I'll chip in for gas money. I'll move him into his dorm. What-Whatever you need. Let's make it happen.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Principal Petersen: A student like Sheldon comes along... once in a lifetime. This school is not gonna be the same without him. But I know he's gonna do great things. And I'm honored to have been a small part of it.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Ms. Ingram: Honestly... teaching Sheldon is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I don't say that because he can be a pain. I say that because he's so intelligent, I had to study every night just to keep up. I'm gonna miss him.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Ms. MacElroy: I don't think I have anything left to teach Sheldon. I'm pretty sure he's already smarter than me.
Sheldon: It's true.

[on the "Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College" tape:]
Mr. Givens: He's ready. In the fall, now, just let him go. Please.

[on the video tape:]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper, and this is Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College. I realize attending college in another state or country is unrealistic at this time. Which is why I'm proposing that I live at home but enroll full-time to continue my studies with Dr. Sturgis at East Texas Tech. I firmly believe that I'm ready for this next step in my academic life. But don't just take it from me...

Sheldon: Thank you for this opportunity to plead my case. And I'd like to thank my cameraman and driver, Dad.
George Sr.: What, I'm not even, like, assistant director?
Sheldon: No. Sit back, enjoy.

Sheldon: I've put together a presentation detailing the reasons why I should be allowed to go to college, and I'd like you to watch it with an open mind.
Mary: I can do that.
Sheldon: Excellent. Is Meemaw here? I smell cigarettes.

Mary: I brought you a snack.
Missy: Thanks.
Mary: So, I don't know if you heard me and your father having a disagreement last night...
Missy: A "disagreement"?
Mary: Fine. A spat. Okay, a fight. I just want you to know that you do not need to worry.
Missy: It's kind of hard not to.
Mary: Uh, sometimes moms and dads have fights, but it doesn't mean that they don't work things out.
Missy: Did you work it out?
Sheldon: [o.s.] We're home.
Mary: Eat your cookies.

George Sr.: You ready?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: Okay, we're rolling.
Sheldon: Hello, Mother. I'd like to present my case as to why I should be allowed to go to East Texas Tech next year. And I'll keep it simple so you don't get confused.
George Sr.: Stop.
Sheldon: Something in my teeth?