Dale: Well, that's good, then. I don't have to pretend to be mister water-drinking nice guy anymore.
Meemaw: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Dale: [smiles] Yeah, well. Will you all excuse me?
Meemaw: Where you going?
Dale: I'm gonna get myself a beer. [chuckles]
Sheldon: [to Meemaw and Missy] So you're standing in a crypt looking at a locked chest. What do you do?
Dale: [o.s.] Pull a beer out of it.

Meemaw: Okay, fine. That still doesn't change the fact that I'm not interested in getting married again.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: I don't have to explain myself to you.
Missy: I'd like to know.
Sheldon: And I'd like to play D&D.
Meemaw: We've been through this. I like my life just the way it is, and if you can't work with that, then, well...
Dale: Well what?
Meemaw: Tough knuckles.
Missy: Whoa.

Dale: [sighs] I asked you to marry me and you turned me down flat.
Meemaw: Are you still mad about that?
Dale: Oh, hell yeah I'm still mad about that.
Missy: He proposed?
Sheldon: He just said he did. Pay attention.
Dale: And you didn't even take it seriously.
Meemaw: I didn't take it seriously because you were drunk.
Dale: That's when I'm the most honest. You can ask anybody at the bar.

Meemaw: Missy, help me out here.
Missy: Communication is important. I learned that on the Fresh Prince show.

Meemaw: What happened to you? You used to be fun.
Dale: Come on, I'm playing this stupid game with your grandkids.
Sheldon: That's rude.
Meemaw: Cut the crap. We both know this isn't you.
Dale: Oh, I can't win with you.
Meemaw: What does that mean?
Dale: Forget it.
Meemaw: No, I'm not gonna forget it. Talk to me.
Dale: I don't want to.

George Jr.: So, what do you want to do?
Jana: Probably something with our clothes on.
George Jr.: No kidding. That was scary.
Jana: Terrifying.
George Jr.: I was afraid I was gonna have to marry you.
Jana: Afraid?
George Jr.: Shaking in my boots.
Jana: And what, exactly, would be so terrible about marrying me?
George Jr.: I didn't say terrible. You can be afraid of things that are great.
Jana: Like what?
George Jr.: Uh... Oh, roller coasters.
Jana: You're an idiot.
George Jr.: Roller coasters is a good answer. I didn't say sharks, which is what I thought of first.
Jana: You're making it worse.
George Jr.: How is I worse? I didn't say it. Roller coasters is a good answer.

George Jr.: I wonder who came up with blue raspberry. Raspberries ain't blue.
Jana: It should be blueberry.
George Jr.: You'd think. But blueberries ain't blue either, they're purple. The whole blue food situation in this country needs some work.

George Sr.: This is ridiculous.
Coach Wilkins: Just do it, you baby.
George Sr.: Fine. Mary, I appreciate you.
Coach Wilkins: That's the best you can do? Baby, you have any single friends for this poor woman?
George Sr.: Mary, I appreciate how much you take care of the house and... all of us. I know it's not easy.
Mary: Thank you. That means a lot.
Coach Wilkins: I love it. Mary, you're up.
Mary: [chuckles] Well, George... I appreciate how hard you work. I know you make a lot of sacrifices for us, and you don't get enough credit for that.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Coach Wilkins: Now, I know it's hokey, but at least once a day, Darlene and I say one thing that we appreciate about each other.
Darlene: Isn't that sweet? It was Wayne's idea.
Coach Wilkins: I appreciate you saying that.
George Sr.: And I'm gonna vomit.

Dale: Could me and your meemaw have a little privacy, please?
Missy: We can leave, but we're still gonna listen.
Sheldon: [rolls dice] Also, you find no traps.
Dale: What is your problem?
Meemaw: You act like Mr. Goody Two-shoes, and you expect me to believe that's real?
Dale: Yeah.
Meemaw: Well, I don't.
Dale: Sheldon said there were no traps. [scoffs]

Sheldon: You enter a dark and musty crypt. Torches along the walls fill the room with a flickering light. In the center of the room is a mysterious glowing chest. What do you do?
Missy: I open the chest.
Meemaw: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[fantasy:]
Meemaw: It's a chest in the middle of a crypt. That's a little suspicious, don't you think?
Missy: I don't know. I'm not even sure what a crypt is.
Meemaw: Aah! It could be booby-trapped.
Sheldon: [v.o.] Thieves have the ability to check for traps.
Meemaw: Good for me, I can do that.
Dale: Hold it. This chest does not belong to us.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: I'm a paladin. It's not a very... paladin-y thing to do.
Meemaw: You didn't want to steal the key, you didn't want to fight the goblins. You wouldn't even kill the spider. You put it in a cup and took it outside.
[reality:]
Dale: Well, that wasn't in the game.
Meemaw: I know. It was in real life, which is worse.

George Jr.: Well?
Jana: I'm not.
George Jr.: Really?
Jana: We're good.
George Jr.: Oh, thank God. [they hug] What a relief.
Jana: I know.
George Jr.: We better stop hugging, or you're gonna need another stick to pee on.

George Sr.: Can you guys not do that?
Coach Wilkins: Do what?
George Sr.: Be so happy. You're married. Act like it.
Coach Wilkins: How do you put up with him?
Mary: That's a good question. What's your secret?
Coach Wilkins & Darlene: [in unison] Communication.
George Sr.: Oh, God.

Darlene: Ooh, this camper is so cool.
Mary: We borrowed it from my mom's boyfriend.
George Sr.: Yeah, you might not want to poke around too much. You find my mother-in-law's bra, I'm driving into a brick wall.

[fantasy:]
Mary: Georgie, there's a band called Guns N' Roses on the phone.
George Jr.: Really?
Mary: Yeah. The guitarist hurt his hand, and they want you to fill in.
George Jr.: [sighs] Tell them I can't. I'm a dad now.
Mary: Okay.

[fantasy:]
Jana: Stop having fun, and help me take care of these babies.
George Jr.: But I just got home from my day job. And I only have ten minutes till my night job.
Jana: That's ten minutes you could be helping. Now go change whichever this one is.

[fantasy:]
Jana: I'm pregnant. You sure I'm not too heavy?
George Jr.: No, I got it. I guess it's time to do what people do on their wedding night.
Jana: Georgie, we're gonna be parents. We don't do that anymore.
George Jr.: Oh, right.
Jana: Besides, my water just broke all over your bed.
George Jr.: Dadgum it.

Jana: Okay, I think I got it. It takes ten minutes for the results.
George Jr.: You want me to go in with you?
Jana: To watch me pee on a stick?
George Jr.: I'm being supportive right now. You could try the same.

Dale: W-Wh... Wait a minute. What's a paladin?
Sheldon: A paladin is a holy knight who crusades in the name of good.
Dale: Oh, I like that. I want to be that.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Yeah, I've been meaning to do more crusading in the name of good.
Meemaw: Okay. You say you got thief on that list? I'll be a thief. That sounds like fun.

Dale: So, how does this work?
Sheldon: You start by creating your character.
Missy: I want to be a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Meemaw: Put me down for that, too.
Sheldon: You have to choose from one of the character classes. There's thief, druid, paladin, wizard...
Missy: Ooh, wizard. I want that.
Sheldon: All right.
Missy: Then I'll use my magic to turn me into a Ninja Turtle Princess of Power.
Sheldon: No.