Meemaw: Oh, my God.
Mary: We don't say that, but... yeah.
Meemaw: This is gonna take forever.
Mary: How many hours is your community service?
Meemaw: Hundred eighty.
Mary: Than you better get cracking. Maybe I'll get my nails done.

Mary: Anyway. If you have anything that you need help with, my mom is here to work.
Pastor Jeff: Oh. Well, I do need my suit picked up from the dry cleaner.
Meemaw: Is that the dry cleaner next to the nail salon?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah.
Meemaw: I'm on it.
Mary: Or... you know what we could really use is someone to help organize the donation room.
Pastor Jeff: That's a big job.
Meemaw: Too late. I'm getting the suit.
Mary: I'll get it on my way to the bank. That way, you can start on the donation room instead of getting your nails done.
Meemaw: [to Pastor Jeff] You're the boss around here. What's your call?
Pastor Jeff: Oh, actually, he's the boss. What's that? He says it's Mary's call.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Connie. Didn't know you were here.
Meemaw: I'm just here to help out.
Pastor Jeff: That's so nice.
Mary: Well, it's her community service for being arrested.
Meemaw: Still nice.
Pastor Jeff: Well, the big guy appreciates it.
Mary: He'd really appreciate it if she actually did something.
Meemaw: Why are you like this? I raised you to be cool.
Mary: I am plenty cool.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, the racoons got into the communion wafers again.

Meemaw: All right, I'm here. Clock me in for 9:30.
Mary: It's 10:15.
Meemaw: I prayed on the way in. That counts.
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: Fine. Call it 9:45.
Mary: Let me just finish up this payroll here and then we'll find some work for you to do.
Meemaw: No hurry. I'm just gonna lay down here and close my eyes for a minute.

Audrey: Good idea. Let the baby be in charge.
Mandy: No, actually, I left my mother in charge, but I won't make that mistake again.
Audrey: Amanda, I'm trying to teach her self-reliance, but if you prefer to coddle her, you go right ahead.
Mandy: I'm sorry, are you accusing me of babying my baby? Because I am her mother and I think I know when she needs me. [Constance quiets]
Audrey: You were saying? [Constance cries]
Mandy: Ha!
Audrey: You're happy your daughter's crying?
Mandy: I'm happy you're wrong.

Meemaw: Look, I got to knock out my community service, and they say I can do it at the church.
Mary: That's great. We'd love to have you.
Meemaw: Or you could just fill out my timesheets and we would be done with the whole thing. Easy peasy.
Mary: I'm not lying for you. That's a sin.
Meemaw: Oh, come on. 180 hours at my age? Who knows if I've even got that much time left.
Mary: Well, then it's a good thing that we're gonna get to spend so much of it together.

Meemaw: [enters] I need you to do me a favor.
Mary: Hello to you, too.
Meemaw: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look. I need you to sign some forms for me, no questions asked.
Mary: What am I signing?
Meemaw: We agreed no questions asked.
Sheldon: Given her criminal past, I'd advise caution.
Meemaw: Moon Pie, I love you, but shut it.

Missy: Are we done?
Mary: What's your hurry?
Missy: It's paternity test day on Ricki Lake and I'm missing it.
Sheldon: If people paid more attention of what belongs where, there'd be no need for paternity tests.

Sheldon: That doesn't go there.
Missy: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Canned beans next to jarred preserves?
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: I care.
Missy: Well, no one cares that you care.
Sheldon: I'm someone. And I care that I care. And I care that I care that I care.

Officer Rhonda Thomason: Well, we got... animal shelters, libraries, churches...
Meemaw: Ooh. Is that any church?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Yeah. As long as they sign off on your hours.
Meemaw: Oh, I like where this is heading.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Why?
Meemaw: A good Christian woman always is eager to serve.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: A Christian woman who ran a backroom casino?
Meemaw: Hey, God forgave me, maybe you should, too.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Do you understand I have the power to throw you in jail?
Meemaw: To be honest, I did not.

Meemaw: What kind of community service are we talking about? I can't be up there on the interstate picking up trash with some winos.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Well, there are other options.
Meemaw: Hit me.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: How about Habitat for Humanity? Build some poor soul a home.
Meemaw: The tornado blew mine to smithereens. How about some do-gooder build me a home?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Moving on. [sighs] You own a hazmat suit?
Meemaw: What? Why-why?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: There's a sewage pipe under the hepatitis clinic with your name on it.
Meemaw: Let's keep thinking.

Officer Rhonda Thomason: So the terms of your probation require you to do 180 hours of community service. And you're currently sitting at... zero.
Meemaw: Not true. I've been reading to the elderly.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Oh. Where at?
Meemaw: Chi-Chi's. My boyfriend forgot his glasses, so I read him the menu. [laughs]
Officer Rhonda Thomason: This is a joke to you.
Meemaw: Well, I was hoping.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You think putting on this act is gonna get you a lighter sentence?
Meemaw: Act? What act?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Look at my nose.
Meemaw: Okay...
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You know what this nose can do? It can smell bull-pucky from two counties over. And you know what it's smelling right now? A big, steamy pile.

Meemaw: [knocks] Hi, I'm Connie Tucker. I'm supposed to be reporting to my probation officer?
Officer Rhonda Thomason: You found her. Come on in.
[Meemaw moves slowly into the room with the aid of a crutch.]
Meemaw: Sorry I'm a little late. Not moving very fast today. Oof.
Officer Rhonda Thomason: Weren't you arrested running from the police?
Meemaw: Well, I have my good days.

Sheldon: There's also East Texas Tech.
Mary: Is that a school that you're considering?
Sheldon: I have friends there, and it's close to all of you.
Missy: Why would you want to be close to us?
George: Missy.