George Sr.: What's going on? You all right?
Mary: I'm not feeling great.
George Sr.: Is it a pregnant thing? 'Cause I got some good news on that. I got a decent raise.
Mary: It doesn't matter.
George Sr.: What do you mean it doesn't matter? We can pull this off now.
Mary: I lost the baby.
George Sr.: Oh.
Mary: You're probably relieved, huh?
George Sr.: Actually no. I love the first three. Fourth one's a charm, right?

Rabbi Schneiderman: Can I ask how your parents feel about this?
Sheldon: Well, when I presented them with my plan, the words "over my dead body" were used.
Rabbi Schneiderman: [chuckles] I'm not surprised.
Sheldon: But they were similarly resistant when I wanted to get an ant farm and eventually they came around.
Rabbi Schneiderman: All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do. Read your Bible.
Sheldon: Already did, cover to cover.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Really?
Sheldon: Quiz me.
Rabbi Schneiderman: No, that's okay, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
Sheldon: What else you got?
Rabbi Schneiderman: Okay. Then I'm gonna tell you to be your own man.
Sheldon: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, "Why weren't you Einstein?" But he might ask you, "Why weren't you Sheldon?"

Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, this is Rabbi Schneiderman. To whom am I speaking?
Sheldon: Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Hello, Sheldon. Um, how can I help you?
Sheldon: I'm currently a Baptist and I'd like to convert to Judaism.
Rabbi Schneiderman: A Baptist named Sheldon. Okay. And why do you want to convert?
Sheldon: Very simple. It's my intention to become a great scientist and I couldn't help but notice most of the great scientists are Jewish, so logic dictates it's time to switch teams.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, I'm sure there are many Baptist scientists you could emulate.
Sheldon: That's kind of you to say, but other than Cornelius Drebbel in the 1500s, it's pretty slim pickings.
Rabbi Schneiderman: Well, Sheldon, you sound like a very smart young man.
Sheldon: Oh, you have no idea.

Receptionist: Temple Judea, how can I help you?
Sheldon: Hello, I'd like to become Jewish. Who would be in charge of that?
Receptionist: How old are you?
Sheldon: I'm ten.
Receptionist: Please hold. ["HAVA NAGILA" HOLD MUSIC PLAYS]

Principal Petersen: All right, George, what's so damn important?
George Sr.: Well I don't want to get into the why's and wherefore's, but I'm gonna need a raise.
Principal Petersen: Is this 'cause Mary's pregnant?
George Sr.: You got to be kidding me. Does everybody in this damn town know my business?
Principal Petersen: I just it was taking a guess.
George Sr.: Tom.
Principal Petersen: My wife told me.
George Sr.: Doesn't matter. What do you say?
Principal Petersen: Are you threatening to quit if you don't get it?
George Sr.: No, Tom, I'm threatening to rob a bank.
Principal Petersen: Okay. All right, well, let's not do that. $100 a week do the trick?
George Sr.: Yes. Thanks. Bye.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, I got to ask, did that fiddle playing increase the fertility in all the females around here or just my chickens?

Herschel Sparks: Hey, uh, I hear congratulations are in order.
George Sr.: What's that you hear?
Herschel Sparks: Maybe I didn't hear it.
George Sr.: Never mind. It's all right. Seems like everybody knows.
Herschel Sparks: You don't seem terribly enthusiastic.
George Sr.: [sighs] It's the money, Herschel. It's all about the money.
Herschel Sparks: [sighs] Well, there's only one solution to that.
George Sr.: Which is?
Herschel Sparks: You got to make more money.
George Sr.: Thank you.
Herschel Sparks: Welcome.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George.
George Sr.: Hey, Herschel. Let me guess, you're here to complain about Sheldon's violin playing.
Herschel Sparks: Under normal circumstances, I'd say yeah, but since he started, my chickens been dropping eggs like crazy.
George Sr.: That's weird.

Adult Sheldon: Over the next few days, I continued to play the violin in an effort to replicate the mental prowess of Einstein. I was asked to confine my practice to the garage by my father, mother, sister and brother. Meemaw was fine with me practicing in the house, but why would she care? She doesn't live with us.

Mary: Let's just say grace.
Sheldon: Hold on. Are these hot dogs kosher?
Meemaw: [laughs, snorts]

Missy: What's on your head?
Sheldon: A yarmulke.
George Jr.: A yama-what?
Sheldon: It's a special Jewish hat. It reminds the wearer that God is always over you.
Meemaw: [laughs]
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: Oh, come on, it's funny.
Mary: It's not funny and it's not a yarmulke. It is a coaster I crocheted at Bible camp.

Sheldon: Sorry I'm late. Shalom.

Sheldon: I figured out why the violin worked for Einstein and not for me. I need to become a Jewish person.

Sheldon: Hey, Dad. Can you believe I only started playing today?
George Sr.: I really can.

George Sr.: What the hell is that?
Mary: Sheldon's learning to play the violin.
George Sr.: Oh. Well, that's unfortunate.

Sheldon: And now we see how it helps my science. Hmm. Hmm [groans] Come on, think. Probably needs more "Twinkle, Twinkle."

Sheldon: Did you hear that? I did it!
George Jr.: I don't think you did.

Mary: This just wasn't part of our plan.
Pastor Jeff: Well, luckily it's part of God's plan. And let me tell you about another Mary who didn't know how to tell her husband she was expecting. And her story is way weirder than yours.

Mary: Actually, um, I could use some guidance. I got some news today, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.
Pastor Jeff: Of course. Sit.
Mary: Well, I am, um, with child.
Pastor Jeff: That's wonderful! Congratulations! How far along are you?
Mary: Uh, could you keep it down just a little? I haven't exactly told George yet.
Pastor Jeff: Got it. And why not? It is his, right?
Mary: Of course.
Pastor Jeff: Apologies. Hey, I'm a pastor in a small town. You wouldn't believe the juicy things I hear.

Pastor Jeff: Hey, Mare, what's up? Other than the big guy. [laughs] God joke.