Sheldon: [answering phone] Cooper residence.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis. I'd love to talk to you, but I'm right in the middle of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a good one. Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Crusher has a plan to use neutrinos to locate him, since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor.
Dr. John Sturgis: I was actually calling to speak to your father. But I'm glad you're having fun with your friends.
Sheldon: Hang on. I'll go get him. Dad! Phone call!
Adult Sheldon: Even though Dr. Sturgis was confused, one day, Wesley Crusher really would be my friend. Neat, huh?

Meemaw: Oh, my grandson's been wanting some weights.
Dale: Sheldon? Hell, can't he just lift a soup can or something?
Meemaw: The other grandson. The pretty one with the hair.

Dale: Okay. This is where I spend all my time, yet somehow my ex-wife owns half of it.
Meemaw: Mm, not bitter at all. Good for you.
Dale: We got baseball over here and got football right there and then hunting and fishing in the back. Oh, yeah. And this hockey puck has been here since Jimmy Carter was president.
Meemaw: You'd think a sport with a bunch of white boys beating each other up would be more popular in Texas.

Dr. John Sturgis: Here we go.
Adult Sheldon: For many kids, Christmas morning was the most exciting day of the year. That's only because most kids don't know the joy of getting their college midterms back. It also didn't hurt that Dr. Sturgis looked like an elf.
Dr. John Sturgis: Nice work, Sheldon. Now, you'll notice that your grades are lower than expected. That's because Sheldon did so well, he broke the curve, turning your A's and B's into B's and C's.
Sheldon: They don't seem happy about it. Maybe you can give them candy.

Lisa: [modem screeching] What's that noise?
George Jr.: No idea.
Sheldon: Georgie, I need you to get off the phone.
George Jr.: Hang on, Lisa. I'm helping someone with their English homework.
Sheldon: I don't have time for jokes. I need the phone line to connect my modem.
George Jr.: What the hell's a modem?
Sheldon: It links my computer to an interconnected web of other computers in order to facilitate the exchange of ideas.
George Jr.: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.
Adult Sheldon: Sadly, that was not the stupidest thing he ever said.

George Sr.: Ejected from your very first game. I'm proud of you, slugger.
Missy: Thanks, Dad.
Meemaw: Dairy Queen's on me.
Mary: To be clear, we are not rewarding violence. But I am glad you didn't let those girls from school bully you into quitting.
Missy: I should rub their faces in the dirt.
George Sr.: That's my girl.
Meemaw: Someone's getting extra sprinkles tonight.
George Sr.: Ooh, hooray for violence.

Sheldon: Ooh, the long-awaited rebuttal. "While I still believe my theory has merit, I will concede that your point has some validity." My point has some validity. My point has some validity! Yes!
Adult Sheldon: That day, both my sister and I emerged victorious from savage battles. Hers fought with fists, mine with words.
Sheldon: What does my point have? Some validity!
Adult Sheldon: Although we were both pretty sore the next day.

Missy: Eat dirt. Eat it.
Meemaw: Kick his ass!
Missy: Does it taste good? Huh?
Dale: Yeah, listen to your meemaw. Kick his ass!
Missy: You gonna cry? Huh? Do it. Cry.
Mary: Do something. Break it up.
George Sr.: H-Hang on. She's winning.
Mary: Missy! Missy Cooper, you stop beating up that boy!
Meemaw: Punch him in the nuts!

Adult Sheldon: Thanks to Dr. Sturgis, I had all the intellectual ammunition I needed to bring my opponent to his knees. I accused him of conflating two different interpretations of quantum theory, woefully misrepresenting Paul Dirac, and when I called him a dung beetle in Latin, I was so riled up, I almost started producing testosterone.

Meemaw: You praying?
Mary: I'm asking the Lord to watch over my little girl.
Meemaw: Well, while you're at it, ask Him for a win. I got money on this.
Mary: You bet on a kids' baseball game?
Meemaw: I got three to one odds.

Dale: Hey, Billy! You're supposed to be warming up.
Billy Sparks: I found a worm!

George Sr.: Well, let's see. Uh, he likes to drink, likes to hunt. Uh, he's got a son who's divorced.
Meemaw: I know all this. Go on.
George Sr.: That's all I got.
Meemaw: You are useless.
George Sr.: When he comes to his senses and dumps you, I'm gonna stay friends with him.
Meemaw: Good. If he dumps me, he deserves to suffer.

Meemaw: Can I top off your coffee?
George Sr.: Well, that's awfully nice of you.
Meemaw: You know me. I'm a pleaser.
George Sr.: You just want to know what I talked about with Dale.
Meemaw: Not really.
George Sr.: I promise you got nothing to worry about. I didn't say a thing.
Meemaw: Thank you. So what'd you find out about him?
George Sr.: Oh, I see how this works.
Meemaw: You're damn straight that's how it works. Now spill.

Dr. John Sturgis: [answering the phone] Hello?
Sheldon: I'm having a scientific argument with someone and I need your help.
Dr. John Sturgis: I do love a good science fight. Has it devolved to name-calling yet?
Sheldon: Yes. I called him a Pongo pygmaeus.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh! A Bornean orangutan. That is a creature who would be very bad at science. Well done.
Sheldon: I know.
Dr. John Sturgis: So how can I help?
Sheldon: I posted a theory on the collapse of wave function. We've been arguing back and forth and he's saying that my probabilities come out negative.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hmm. I see. Have you considered that negative probabilities can still have meaning?
Sheldon: Ooh, I hadn't. That suggests another idea. I can argue that negative probabilities only show up in intermediate steps. I'm gonna destroy him with this.
Dr. John Sturgis: And when you do, feel free to call him a Scarabaeus viettei, a dung beetle.
Sheldon: Oh, I so admire your mind.
Dr. John Sturgis: Back at you, little man.

Dale: Uh, you want to switch to light beer?
George Sr.: Hey. I may have boobs, but I'm still a man.

Dale: Well, hey, tell me something about this guy she was seeing.
George Sr.: Mm. The scientist.
Dale: Really? A scientist?
George Sr.: Yeah, not with test tubes; more with arithmetic, thinking and stuff.
Dale: Uh-huh. A physicist.
George Sr.: There you go. Yeah. Nice enough fella. Always reminded me of that cartoon owl in the Tootsie Pop commercials.
Dale: Hmm. Well, why'd they break up?
George Sr.: Uh, you know. You know, things happen.
Dale: Uh-huh. What things?
George Sr.: Eh.
Dale: Come on, now. At least tell me if there's something I need to worry about.
George Sr.: Oh, no. Connie's rock solid. Unless you put on a little weight. Then you will hear about it.

George Sr.: Oh, yeah. Connie's great. You can have a beer with her, watch a football game, joke around. She doesn't mind if you swear. In fact, that woman's got a mouth on her.
Dale: I have noticed that.
George Sr.: Yeah. You know, I just realized something. I got more in common with my mother-in-law than I do my own wife.
Dale: That's kind of creepy.
George Sr.: Yeah. Let's hope the beer does its job and I don't remember this tomorrow.

Brenda Sparks: [on the phone] Listen, I'm just doing you a favor. The other moms on the team are starting to talk.
Mary: Well, maybe the other moms need to mind their own business.
Brenda Sparks: Come on, Mary. Isn't one weird kid in your family enough? You going for a record?
Mary: [hanging up] You're playing baseball.
Missy: But you said it was my decision.
Mary: It is. And you're playing.

Mary: [answering phone] Hello?
Brenda Sparks: I heard your daughter's playing baseball.
Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: What were you thinking?
Mary: Excuse me?
Brenda Sparks: My Billy's on that team. Baseball's for boys.
Mary: Says who?
Brenda Sparks: Says everyone. It's not ladylike. [to Billy] Save some pudding for your father!
Billy Sparks: Aw.
Brenda Sparks: Okay, where was I?
Mary: You were telling me what was ladylike and then yelled at your son like a dock foreman.

Mary: I'm sorry those girls were so mean.
Missy: They didn't just call me a boy. They wouldn't sit with me at lunch. No one talked to me at recess.
Mary: Aw, baby.
Missy: Somebody crossed out "Missy Cooper" in my notebook and wrote "Mister Cooper."
Mary: Well, if that's what they're like, maybe you don't want them as friends.
Missy: I don't think I want to play baseball anymore.
Mary: If that's what you want, it's your decision.