Meemaw: Well, I got to tell you how happy I am that y'all are spending the night with me.
Sheldon: Your house smells like cigarettes.
Meemaw: So happy.

Sheldon: But we can get so much accomplished. I could use a spreadsheet program to keep track of your expenses.
Mary: I do that in the back of my checkbook.
Sheldon: Yes, but does your checkbook go "beep" when you open it? I don't think so. Plus, the computer can organize your recipes.
Mary: But my recipes are organized.
Sheldon: On index cards. Like a cave person.

Meemaw: So, Sheldon wants a computer?
Mary: Ever since he could talk. But now more than ever.
George: Well, he should get a job after school. Save up and buy one.
Mary: Get a job? He's nine.
George: I mowed lawns when I was his age. Made pretty good money.
Mary: You want Sheldon to mow lawns? He's so pale, five minutes in the sun, he'd burst into flames.
Georgie: I would pay to see that.
George: Shut up, Georgie.

Mary: There are expenses we could cut back on so we could afford a computer.
George: You mean like the money you give to church?
Mary: No, I mean like the money you give to the Lone Star Beer company.
Georgie: Good one, Mom.
Mary: Shut up.
Meemaw: Shut up.
George: Shut up.

George: Oh, okay. Just so I'm clear, my money's our money, but your money's your money?
Mary: That's right.

Mary: Sheldon and Missy, we are out of here in half an hour.
Sheldon: Not a lot of time to pick a toothbrush.

Meemaw: I don't want to get in your business, but since you're getting in my bed, I'm getting in your business.
Mary: Go ahead.
Meemaw: When you leaving?

Mary: The minute he found out I had money set aside, he felt threatened. And you know why? 'Cause it meant that I can live independent of him.
Meemaw: Sleeping in your mommy's bed?
Mary: You know what I mean.
Meemaw: You gonna buy Sheldon that computer?
Mary: Well, now I have to.
Meemaw: Got it. You do know I still have an active love life.
Mary: Just go to sleep.
Meemaw: On this very bed.
Mary: Oh, Mom.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, Georgie, I didn't know.
Georgie: Yeah, well, now you do. What did you get?
Sheldon: A turkey sandwich Mom cut in the shape of a heart, a fruit cup, a brownie, and a note from Meemaw saying how much she loves me. I haven't read it yet, but I bet it's a lot.

Adult Sheldon: The home computer I had long coveted was finally in my possession, but it was also destroying my home. Thankfully, it came pre-loaded with a program to help solve personal problems.

Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: [typing] My parents are fighting a lot.
Computer: I see. Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: My mother bought me this computer but my dad says we can't afford it.
Computer: Do you have issues with your mother?
Sheldon: Mmm, no. She makes me spaghetti with hot dogs cut up in it.
Computer: Can you elaborate on that?
Sheldon: Are you going to help me or not?
Computer: Hello, I am Eliza.
Sheldon: The future might be overrated.

Georgie: Wait, I know what to do.
George: What?
Georgie: Go across the street and apologize to Mom.
George: I got nothin' to apologize for.
Georgie: You don't have to mean it. I never do.
George: Georgie, just mind your business.
Georgie: Okay, sorry. In case you were wondering, I didn't mean that. See how easy it is?

Meemaw: Just for your information, Sheldon is using the computer right now to try and fix your marriage.
Mary: Really? What did it say?
Meemaw: It said "Get out of your mother's house."
Mary: Mom.
Meemaw: I'm serious. I want a cigarette, and I'm tired of hiding behind the garage.

Mary: You think I should apologize to George?
Meemaw: Well, of course not. That would set a terrible precedent. I think you should go back over there to pick up some clothes for the kids and be all cold and distant, so he has to apologize to you.
Mary: Oh, that's not bad.
Meemaw: Do it.
Mary: I will.
Meemaw: Why you drinking tea? Get out.

Meemaw: Hey, kids, come here. Look at that. It looks like your mom and dad are gonna be all right.
Missy: Does this mean we're going home?
Meemaw: It appears so.
Sheldon: I didn't even get to wear my earmuffs yet.