Pastor Jeff: Pastor Rob should be here any minute.
George: Maybe if he was in the classroom when he was supposed to be, none of this would've happened.
Mary: You can't blame him for Missy punching someone.
George: If he was there to shut that kid up, Missy wouldn't have had to.
Pastor Jeff: Sunday school is no place for violence. The boy's parents are very upset.
George: Yeah, well so am I.

Mary: So he's really good to graduate?
Principal Petersen: He sure is. I got to tell ya, usually when kids leave school after two years, it's not for college. It's for prison or pregnancy.
George: Well, between Georgie and Missy, we may hit the trifecta.
Mary: George!
George: Well, I'm not rooting for it. It's just a thing that could happen.

Georgie: You know what else is nice?
George: Hmm?
Georgie: I get to learn from all your parenting mistakes.
George: I'm starting to think letting you live this long was one of 'em.
Georgie: Like that. I'd never say something so awful to my kid. [George scoffs] Thanks, big guy.

Georgie: A bill? Really?
George: Room and board, buddy.
Georgie: $50 a month for food?
George: The way you eat, I should've gone $50 a week.
Georgie: Laundry services?
George: Your poor mother has to touch your underwear.
Georgie: What's the $10 a month "peema" charge?
George: Oh, P-I-M-A, that's a "Pain in My Ass" tax. My way of getting compensated for you taking years off my life.

Sheldon: If we're switching religions, may I recommend Judaism.
Mary: Why?
Sheldon: Both William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy are Jewish.
George: So?
Sheldon: Isn't that enough?

Mary: Let's say grace.
Sheldon: Hang on, safety first. [puts mittens on]
Georgie: When are you gonna get over that?
Sheldon: I would think recent events would make you value protection.
Mary: Enough.

Adult Sheldon: I was struggling to focus and needed help. Luckily, there was someone on campus I could always count on to lend a friendly ear. A second mom, if you will.
President Hagemeyer: What now?
Sheldon: You said if I ever had a problem, I could come to you and you'd fix it.
President Hagemeyer: When did I say that?
Sheldon: September 13th, 1991. You had just eaten a poppyseed bagel and had one stuck in your teeth.
President Hagemeyer: I'll take your word for it.
Sheldon: It was right here. How did it not make you crazy? It made me crazy.
President Hagemeyer: What do you want?
Sheldon: My family's falling apart.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Uh... what do you want me to do?
Sheldon: Fix it.