Mary: My house is immaculate. George, tell them.
George: Uh, she does keep a nice house.
Herschel Sparks: Honey, it's a pretty good chance it was Bucky.
Brenda Sparks: Whose side are you on?
Herschel Sparks: Yours, always yours.

Herschel Sparks: I appreciate that, but you got to know there's an upside to this.
George: And that would be?
Herschel Sparks: Your son has got a special gift.
George: A gift? We are talking about Georgie, right?
Herschel Sparks: Yeah. I mean, first off, the kid really knows his way around an engine, which is all well and good. But when it comes to fixing tires, I swear, I've never seen anything like him.
George: Tires? How do you mean?
Herschel Sparks: George, I've been patching flats for 25 years. You know, slap some soapy water on them, look for the air bubble. But your son, he doesn't need any tricks. He knows where the puncture holes are.
George: He knows?
Herschel Sparks: He knows. He's got a sixth sense for tire damage. I mean, you got to see him in action. It'll give you chills.
George: You know, now that you say it, whenever we had a leaky football, he knew exactly where the hole was.
Herschel Sparks: I am telling you, your boy's got a future in the tire business. Goodyear, Firestone, somebody's gonna scoop him up first round.

Herschel Sparks: On an unrelated note, uh, you doing something new with your hair? It looks, uh, real pretty.
Mary: No, but thank you. Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to it.
Herschel Sparks: Smells good, too.
Mary: All right. Bye-bye.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, you want chicken for dinner? I'll slaughter a big one for you right now.
Mary: I'm good.
Herschel Sparks: I'll kill one in case you change your mind. Now which one of you's tired of this life? You.

Mary: Um, I was just concerned about a game that the boys were playing and was wondering if you and your wife knew about it.
Herschel Sparks: A game?
Mary: Yes, a very disturbing one.
Herschel Sparks: Well, what're we talking about? Did you catch those boys playing grab ass?
Mary: No. Dungeons & Dragons.
Herschel Sparks: So everybody's got their trousers up?
Mary: Yes.
Herschel Sparks: What's the problem?
Mary: The game contains demonology, which goes against the teachings of the church.
Herschel Sparks: But nobody's touching nothing, right?
Mary: No.
Herschel Sparks: Well, then I don't quite know what you're worried about.

Billy Sparks: Hello.
Herschel Sparks: Hey.
George: Hey, Billy.
Billy Sparks: Was this fence window always here?
Herschel Sparks: No, son, that's a new fence window.
Billy Sparks: Anybody else getting dizzy?

Sheldon: How do we love our neighbors when our moms hate each other?
Billy Sparks: Who does your mom hate?
Sheldon: Your mom.
Billy Sparks: Hey, my mom hates your mom. Small world.

Brenda Sparks: Well, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be inferring there's something wrong with my Billy.
Meemaw: Darlin', there's no inferring. I've seen the boy sitting in the dirt eating his own belly button lint.