Adult Sheldon: I was struggling to focus and needed help. Luckily, there was someone on campus I could always count on to lend a friendly ear. A second mom, if you will.
President Hagemeyer: What now?
Sheldon: You said if I ever had a problem, I could come to you and you'd fix it.
President Hagemeyer: When did I say that?
Sheldon: September 13th, 1991. You had just eaten a poppyseed bagel and had one stuck in your teeth.
President Hagemeyer: I'll take your word for it.
Sheldon: It was right here. How did it not make you crazy? It made me crazy.
President Hagemeyer: What do you want?
Sheldon: My family's falling apart.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Uh... what do you want me to do?
Sheldon: Fix it.

George Jr.: Mandy, please. I want to help.
Mandy: He can stay.
George Jr.: Thanks. What can I do?
Mandy: Nothing.
George Jr.: I can do that.

Meemaw: How did you follow me?
George Jr.: Wasn't hard. You can see that yellow Toyota from outer space.
Meemaw: It is a Mazda.
George Jr.: This is my baby, too. I think I should be a part of this.
Meemaw: You did your part, now git.

George Jr.: I knew it.
Meemaw: What are you doing here?
George Jr.: What are you doing here?
Mandy: I asked her to be here.
George Jr.: So, her and not me?
Mandy: Yeah.
Meemaw: [to a couple] Don't make me come over there.

Mandy: Payment method. Don't see an option for "bad check."
Meemaw: You don't have health insurance?
Mandy: I don't even have car insurance.
Meemaw: How do you drive without car insurance?
Mandy: Slowly.

Mandy: Okay... marital status. Single.
Meemaw: [to a couple] Mind your own business.
Mandy: Name of father. I can't write "Georgie," it sounds like he's 11.
Meemaw: George Marshall Cooper.
Mandy: Marshall? I didn't know that.
Meemaw: Isn't it nice he can still surprise you? [chuckles]

Mary: Oh! [coughs] Uh, Pastor Rob.
Pastor Rob: [short chuckle] You okay?
Mary: Um... swallowed a Tic Tac. [coughs]
Pastor Rob: Well, I can barely smell the smoke at all.

George Jr.: Where you going?
Meemaw: I got stuff to do.
George Jr.: Like what?
Meemaw: Just stuff.
George Jr.: Well, can you stop and get me something to eat?
Meemaw: No.
George Jr.: Why not?
Meemaw: 'Cause I got stuff to do.
George Jr.: Which you won't tell me.
Meemaw: 'Cause it's none of your damn business.
George Jr.: Is it illegal?
Meemaw: I'm not gonna play this game with you, Georgie.
George Jr.: Just give me the first letter.
Meemaw: Goodbye.

Mary: Should you really be reading in the car, baby?
Sheldon: I'll be fine.
Mary: You sure? You're not the one who'll have to clean up the oatmeal back there.
Sheldon: I said I'll be fine. And it's the blueberries you should be worried about.
Mary: Well, you're in a mood.
Sheldon: Maybe because there was so much bickering going on at home that I couldn't study.
Mary: Oh, I'm sorry if our family problems are getting in the way of your schoolwork.
Sheldon: I accept your apology. [vomits]
Mary: Oh...
Sheldon: Yep, blueberries.

Mandy: So, you really think my folks'll come around?
Meemaw: I don't know 'em, but babies have a magical power over people, especially grandparents.
Mandy: Is that how you felt when Georgie was born?
Meemaw: Oh, it was love at first sight.
Mandy: And then 17 years later he got me pregnant.
Meemaw: You're not gonna let that go, are you?
Mandy: Nope.
Meemaw: Hmm.

George Sr.: Hey, don't you move. What are you watching?
Missy: MTV.
George Sr.: Watch MTV.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: I'm not punishing her for doing the right thing.
Mary: Violence is never the right thing.
George Sr.: I'm sorry, are we in California?
Mary: Ugh!
[As Mary leaves, George turns to look at the music video playing on the TV]
George Sr.: Turn that off.

Meemaw: When Mary told me she was pregnant, I reacted pretty much the same way that your folks did. Not my finest moment.
Mandy: Let me guess, they got married and suddenly you were okay with it.
Meemaw: Hell no. I didn't want my daughter to marry that fat dumbass. I shouldn't have said that. He got fat later.
Mandy: I'd laugh, but my mom gained 70 pounds when she had my little brother.

Sheldon: If we're switching religions, may I recommend Judaism.
Mary: Why?
Sheldon: Both William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy are Jewish.
George Sr.: So?
Sheldon: Isn't that enough?

Mandy: So, I told my folks about the baby.
Meemaw: And?
Mandy: They told me I'm on my own. They want nothing to do with me.
Meemaw: Sorry. Give it a minute, they still might come around.
Mandy: I didn't even get to the part where the father's 17 years old.
Meemaw: Something fun for next time.

George Jr.: You can't go around hitting people.
Missy: I had to do something.
Sheldon: Me too.
Missy: What did you do?
Sheldon: I ran and told the nearest adult.
George Jr.: I don't want you getting in trouble for me.
Missy: But Danny says you're going to hell.
George Jr.: I'm there now. Promise me.
Missy: Fine.
George Jr.: And I know you ain't hitting nobody.
Sheldon: You are correct, sir.

Missy: Movies lie. Punching people hurts.
Sheldon: Try being the punchee.

George Sr.: Hold on. Are you firing her?
Pastor Jeff: No, no, just a little leave of absence till things settle down.
Pastor Rob: Is that really necessary?
Pastor Jeff: I believe it is. As leaders of this church, we are held to a higher standard.
Mary: Are you asking us to leave the church?
Pastor Jeff: Of course not.
George Sr.: Y'all talk a big game about community, and then you just turn your back when things get a little messy.
Pastor Rob: Okay, let's just take a breath.
George Sr.: You do that. We're leaving. Come on, Mary.
Pastor Jeff: George, let's talk this through.
George Sr.: I've heard enough. I'll be in the truck. [exits]

Pastor Jeff: So, shall we get to the business at hand?
Mary: Obviously, we're... mortified by Missy's behavior.
George Sr.: Even though it sounds like that punk had it coming.
Pastor Jeff: While his words were out of line, it brings us to the bigger issue, which is... people are talking about Georgie.
George Sr.: Bunch of holy rollers with no lives.

Pastor Jeff: Pastor Rob should be here any minute.
George Sr.: Maybe if he was in the classroom when he was supposed to be, none of this would've happened.
Mary: You can't blame him for Missy punching someone.
George Sr.: If he was there to shut that kid up, Missy wouldn't have had to.
Pastor Jeff: Sunday school is no place for violence. The boy's parents are very upset.
George Sr.: Yeah, well so am I.

Danny: I'll say it to your face. Your brother's going to hell.
Missy: No, he's not.
Sheldon: Primarily because hell isn't real.
Danny: My mom said they should kick your whole family out of the church.
Missy: How about I kick your ass.
Danny: I'd like to see you try.
Billy Sparks: How about I help her?
Sheldon: How about I go get Pastor Rob?
Missy: Say one more thing about my family and see what happens.
Danny: Y'all are white trash.
Pastor Rob: [enters] Whoa, what's going on here?
[Missy slugs Danny]