Tam: You see a large red button. What do you do?
Billy Sparks: I press it.
Tam: The floor opens up and you plunge into a 60-foot pit.
Billy Sparks: I fly out. Up, up, and away!
Sheldon: Again, you're not Superman in this game; you're Superman for Halloween.
Tam: Which isn't till next week.
Billy Sparks: So I'm in a pit.
Tam: You're in a pit.
Billy Sparks: Then I blast my way out with my super breath! [BLOWING]
Sheldon: Just let him do it.

Mary: I can't believe this.
George Sr.: No good?
Mary: It's awful. It makes sin seem like a good thing.
George Sr.: Well, that's the problem, isn't it? I mean, if sin didn't seem like a good thing, nobody would do it.
Mary: George, please, I'm in no mood.
George Sr.: Hey. Wrath. That's one of the seven sins, right?
Mary: Pastor Jeff gave me this project because he knew I'd be best at it. Now Gene Lundy is taking over.
George Sr.: Oh, look, pride. And envy. Don't stop. Four sins to go. I'm guessing lust ain't happening tonight.

Mr. Lundy: Now, the script calls for me to appear from beneath the house in a cloud of smoke.
But I think that's gonna be ambitious.
Mary: Script? What script?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, I wrote a script. Don't worry about it.
Mary: I was gonna write the script.
Mr. Lundy: Well, now you don't have to.
Mary: Do you believe this?
Meemaw: Believe it, love it, glad I didn't wait in the car.

Mary: So, what do you think?
Mr. Lundy: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Spiderwebs.
Mary: What?
Mr. Lundy: We're gonna need some spiderwebs and I think maybe some fire effects on the left and right side of the portal.
Mary: Portal?
Mr. Lundy: Portal to hell.
Mary: [CHUCKLING] Sure, sure.

Mr. Lundy: Greetings!
Mary: Oh, good! Mr. Lundy, you made it.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, we're gonna be working together. You can call me Gene.
Mary: All right, Gene, this is my mother, Connie.
Mr. Lundy: Hi.
Meemaw: Hello.
Mr. Lundy: Now, I would've bet she was your big sister.
Meemaw: I thought you said he was a good actor.

Meemaw: Look at you, just wheeling and dealing like a big-time Hollywood producer. Maybe you're in the wrong business.
Mary: Being a mother?
Meemaw: Being a Christian.
Mary: Ah.

Mary: What do you think? Pretty great, huh? Realtor's letting us use it for free.
Meemaw: Wow. How'd you swing that?
Mary: Well, I promised Fred Murphy a lead role in the lust room.
Meemaw: Ooh.

Veronica: Hey. What's up?
Sheldon: This is my brother Georgie. He wanted to meet you.
Veronica: Really?
George Jr.: Really.
Veronica: I like your hair.
George Jr.: Uh, me, too.

Mr. Lundy: Um, have you considered a narrator, you know, um, like, a tour guide kind of thing?
Mary: Oh, that's interesting. But who would that be?
Mr. Lundy: Well, I'd have to think the big man himself.
Mary: God?
Mr. Lundy: Satan.
Mary: Oh! That's spooky. And he's trying to lure people toward sin.
Mr. Lundy: Exactly.
Mary: That's a pretty big role. I wonder who could do it.
Mr. Lundy: Huh. Well, it would have to be someone with enough range to convey sincerity and charm, all the while, hiding a dark and corrupt soul!
Mary: Good golly. If you were just a little taller, you'd be perfect.
Mr. Lundy: I have lifts.

Mary: Um, I was hoping to put on a little play in each of the rooms that portrays one of the seven deadly sins.
Mr. Lundy: Pride, envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath and greed!
Mary: Wow, you know your sins!
Mr. Lundy: Well, again, I'm an actor. They are the tools in my box.

Mary: As I told you on the phone, I have been tasked with mounting this year's Halloween production.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, is that a haunted house kind of deal?
Mary: Yes, but with the goal of bringing people to God.
Mr. Lundy: I do know something about that. When I played Puck in Midsummer, the Tulsa Herald called my performance heavenly.
Mary: Wow! Good for you.
Mr. Lundy: Thank you, thank you.

Mary: Thank you again for letting me come by to pick your brain.
Mr. Lundy: Oh, please. Anything for the church.
Mary: Are you a religious man?
Mr. Lundy: I'm an actor. I'm whatever you need me to be.

Mr. Lundy: Now, remember, next week, we start our work on Streetcar Named Desire. So please prepare a monologue for either Blanche or Stanley. Usually, the girls do Blanche and the boys do Stanley, but no judgment. You follow your heart.

George Jr.: You just need to introduce me to her.
Sheldon: Why?
George Jr.: I want to be her friend.
Sheldon: Well, you better take a number. She's friends with a lot of boys around here.

George Jr.: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Hi, Georgie.
George Jr.: Why was Veronica Duncan hugging you?
Sheldon: I'm tutoring her in trigonometry.
George Jr.: And that gets you hugs?
Sheldon: Thanks to me, she got her first C-minus. Just between us, she's a little slow.
George Jr.: That's not what I heard.
Sheldon: What did you hear? Is she secretly clever? Because if she is, I completely missed it.

Meemaw: Hang on, y'all are trying to scare people into joining the church?
Mary: Yeah. But people like getting scared on Halloween anyway. Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?
Sheldon: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon: So what happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary: They burn in hell. Because God loves 'em.

Missy: So it's not gonna be scary?
Mary: It will, but without all the blood and gore.
Missy: But I like blood and gore.

Mary: I already know the first change I'm gonna make. Instead of calling it "Hell House," which is a little off-putting, I'm gonna call it "Heck House." Isn't that great?
George Sr.: That is great.
George Jr.: You don't really mean that.
George Sr.: Yes, I do.
George Jr.: Oh, I get it. Happy wife, happy life.
George Sr.: You need to stop talking.

Mary: I always felt I had a flair for the creative arts, but putting on a big show like that-
Pastor Jeff: You'll have a sizable budget and all the help you'll need constructing sets, building props, special effects, makeup.
Mary: Does sound tempting.
Pastor Jeff: But, most importantly, you'll have an opportunity to bring people to God by vividly demonstrating the perils of sin.
Peg: Be careful if you touch on adultery. Last year, one of the actors got pregnant.
Pastor Jeff: Thanks, Peg.

Pastor Jeff: As you can see, our last attempt at a Hell House may have been a tad traumatizing.
I thought it was a hoot.
Peg: Some of the little ones peed their pants.
Pastor Jeff: But that wasn't the goal.
Peg: A nine-year-old crapped himself.