Meemaw: Where I think you went wrong is in your timing. If you'd done this deal during a war or a plague, then you'd have a boatload of converts.

Mary: Look at this. We threw a party for heaven and nobody came. Not one person chose to be saved.
George Sr.: Well, did you tell 'em about the cupcakes?

Sheldon: Where's Billy?
Missy: He had to go to the bathroom.
Tam: So he went home?
Missy: No. He's right behind that tree.
Billy Sparks: Wait up, guys. Oh, I got a little on my cape.
Missy: Ew.

Missy: Stupid Mrs. Gifford gave me a banana.

Sheldon: Eh! I can't believe no one in this town knows who Carl Sagan is. Why even have a TV?

Mr. Lundy: So you see, the sin of greed. Very wealthy man, a beautiful house, swimming pool, several German cars, and a young wife who worshipped him.
Mary: Excuse me, Mr. Satan.
Mr. Lundy: What?
Mary: You kind of left out how greed is the root of all evil, and how it corrupts the soul.
Mr. Lundy: It's in there. It's called subtext.

Veronica: You as smart as your brother?
George Jr.: Nobody is.
Veronica: I got an older sister that's kind of a genius.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah? Why didn't she tutor you?
Veronica: She's in jail.
George Jr.: What'd she do?
Veronica: She sold a pinata full of weed to an undercover cop.
George Jr.: Doesn't sound like much of a genius.
Veronica: Oh, I don't know, she graduated high school.

Melissa: Well, isn't that something. Now, y'all be safe and have a fun night.
Billy Sparks: I'm Super-[door shuts]

All: Trick or treat.
Melissa: Oh, look how cute y'all are. Now, I know you are Superman. What about the rest of you?
Missy: I'm Cyndi Lauper.
Tam: I'm a wizard.
Melissa: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: And I'm Carl Sagan.
Melissa: Who?
Sheldon: Carl Sagan. He's the host of Cosmos.

Mr. Lundy: I was God's chosen angel. I was his favorite. We used to go camping together. But then, because I wanted to have a little bit of fun, I was cast from heaven. Tonight, you will bear witness to that fun. You will decide whether it is sinful or just another Saturday night. [LAUGHS] Come with me if you dare. [THUNDER RUMBLES] Just watch your step right over here, 'cause there's some electrical wires.

Mr. Lundy: Before we begin tonight's descent into Heck, I'd like to tell you a little about myself.
Mary: 'Cause it's all about you, isn't it?

Mr. Lundy: Greetings. Pleased to meet you. I go by many names: Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub. Of course, when I make a dinner reservation, I-I go by "Eric." It's easier to spell.

Adult Sheldon: I know what you're thinking: she's going to tear his throat out. But what in fact happened is she did what she thought Jesus would do. She went home and made that tuna casserole. It was a little salty but I ate it because she was in a mood.

Mr. Lundy: Mary, I am a trained theater professional. Why don't you just let me do what I do, while you, you know, go home and make a nice tuna casserole.

Mary: I will not have innocent children walk through this house on Halloween and see a half-naked woman.
Mr. Lundy: A half-naked woman chock-full of syphilis.
Both: What?
Mr. Lundy: It's pretend syphilis.

Mary: Do I need to remind you that the purpose of Heck House is to show how sins destroy our lives?
Mr. Lundy: Yeah, so?
Mary: You are making them into a good thing.
Mr. Lundy: Have you read the script? He's gonna get syphilis. He goes home, he gives it to his wife. She goes crazy. She kills him and her entire family. What am I missing?

Fred: Will there be kissing and touching?
Mr. Lundy: Oh, you bet.
Mary: Mm. Mm.
Mr. Lundy: Now what?
Mary: Pretend kissing. Pretend touching.

Billy Sparks: Did you know Superman has a dog? His name is Krypto. He plays fetch in space.

Sheldon: I introduced them. Her math skills are dreadful.

Tam: Hey, Georgie. I saw you talking to Veronica Duncan.
George Jr.: Yeah. So?
Tam: How well do you know her?
George Jr.: Not as well as I'm gonna.