George Sr.: How'd you like to go out for dinner on Friday? Just you and me.
Mary: Why?
George Sr.: 'Cause you're my wife.
Mary: I was your wife last Friday, and we didn't go to dinner.
George Sr.: Mary, I'm asking you on a date.
Mary: Okay.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Is that a yes?
Mary: Sure.
George Sr.: All right, then.
Mary: If you did something stupid, I'm gonna find out.

George Sr.: I mean, I-I just can't win. When I step in, I'm doing it wrong, and when I don't step in, she yells at me.
Coach Wilkins: I hear you.
George Sr.: So Darlene does the same thing with you?
Coach Wilkins: No. But I'd hate it if she did. That sounds awful.
George Sr.: So, what do you two fight about?
Coach Wilkins: You know, normal stuff. Who loves the other one more. Whose turn it is for a foot rub. Oh, the other day, we did argue about which way the toilet paper should hang.
George Sr.: Who won?
Coach Wilkins: I don't remember. We just ended up making love on the bathroom floor.
George Sr.: Thank you, Wayne. This has been real helpful.
Coach Wilkins: When was the last time you took Mary out on a date?
George Sr.: I couldn't even tell you.
Coach Wilkins: Mm. That poor woman.
George Sr.: Hey. You're supposed to be on my side.
Coach Wilkins: I'd like to be. [chuckles] But you're not giving me much to work with.

Pastor Jeff: [on the phone with Mary] I know. But we put so much thought into my clothes, we didn't even think about what she'd be wearing.
George Jr.: [coming on line] Why? What's she wearing?
Mary: Georgie, you hang up that phone right now!

Mary: Hi, Pastor Jeff. Everything okay?
Pastor Jeff: I'm in trouble. Robin just got here. She looks nice, and she smells even nicer.
Mary: Come on, now. Uh, nothing smells better than eternal salvation.

Mary: I thought you were gonna take out the garbage.
George Sr.: I'm sorry. I was under the impression you did everything around here.
Mary: You really want to start this again?
George Sr.: I contribute plenty, and it wouldn't kill you to show a little appreciation.
Mary: I'll be sure to do that as soon as I finish the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the grocery shopping and helping Missy with her homework.
George Sr.: You like how my job pays for all the bills, right?
Mary: Stop acting like you're the only one with a job.

Meemaw: Moon Pie? Good news. You could start going to your college class again.
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis is back?
Meemaw: No, but his friend Dr. Linkletter is gonna let you come and take his class.
Sheldon: But I take Dr. Sturgis's class.
Meemaw: I know, but that's not an option right now, and Dr. Linkletter's been nice enough to to let you sit in on his.
Sheldon: But I like the way that Dr. Sturgis teaches.
Meemaw: Well, you might like the way that Dr. Linkletter teaches even better.
Sheldon: Is it lecture-based?
Meemaw: I don't know.
Sheldon: What's his interpretation of quantum mechanics?
Meemaw: I couldn't say.
Sheldon: Where'd he get his doctorate?
Meemaw: From the University of Shut Up and Say Thank You.
Sheldon: Thank you.

[Sheldon is chuckling as he stares at a blank screen]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Watching last week's Professor Proton in my mind.

Dr. Linkletter: Hello?
Meemaw: Hi, Dr. Linkletter. It's Connie Tucker.
Dr. Linkletter: Connie. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Meemaw: I need a favor.
Dr. Linkletter: Of course. Anything. Should we discuss it over dinner?
Meemaw: I'll take a rain check on that. I was hoping that my grandson could join in your physics class until John is, uh back.
Dr. Linkletter: From the mental hospital?
Meemaw: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: The one he never told you he'd been in before?
Meemaw: Yes.
Dr. Linkletter: A curious ethical choice on his part, if you ask me.
Meemaw: Can he take the class or not?
Dr. Linkletter: Of course. Although, I never taught a child before. Is he potty-trained?

Meemaw: Well, maybe Shel is just acting out 'cause he doesn't have his college class to go to anymore. I could ask John's professor friend. Maybe he'd let him sit in on a class.
Mary: And you are just bringing this up now?
Meemaw: I would've said something earlier, but I was enjoying the fight.

George Sr.: I had to get to practice, and I made a decision. He was in the building, he was safe, and he was learning.
Mary: He is never gonna improve his social skills if he's sitting all alone. He has to be around people.
George Sr.: Sounds like you know what he needs, go fix it.
Mary: 'Cause I have to do everything, right?
George Jr.: Oh. Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.
George Sr.: Get out of here!

Mary: I can't believe you didn't make him go to class.
George Sr.: You told me to handle it; I handled it.
Meemaw: That one's on you.

George Sr.: Sheldon, go to your room.
Sheldon: Gladly.
Missy: He's just gonna read in there. I'd take away Professor Proton.
George Sr.: Stay out of this. ... [yelling] No more Professor Proton!
Sheldon: Aw.
Missy: That's how you do it.

George Sr.: [yelling] Hope you're happy your mother and I are fighting now! [to a girl who wonders why George is yelling at nobody] There's a closet, it- My son made a citadel. Never mind.

Pastor Jeff: The bolo tie's too sexy, right? Knew it.

Mary: [on the phone] Everything okay?
George Sr.: Sheldon locked himself in a broom closet, and he's refusing to go to class.
Mary: What's he doing in a closet?
George Sr.: Apparently, learning about Russia.
Mary: Well, what do you want me to do?
George Sr.: I want you to handle it.
Mary: You're right there why can't you handle it?
George Sr.: 'Cause I'm at work.
Mary: So am I.
George Sr.: You know what I mean.
Mary: That you have a real job and I don't?
George Sr.: Mary, I have football practice in ten minutes, and I I don't have time to deal with this.
Mary: Well, you're gonna have to, 'cause I'm busy. [hangs up]
Peg: You tell him, sister.

Pastor Jeff: Which one says "Robin, I like you" but also says "God is watching, be cool"?
Mary: The blue one.

George Sr.: What do you think you're doing?
Sheldon: Exploring the impact of the French invasion on Imperial Russian society.
George Sr.: Well, get out of here. You're going back to class.
Sheldon: No, I'm not.
George Sr.: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I don't learn anything in class. But in here I've taught myself the applications of gravitational lensing, Faraday's law of magnetic induction, and how to whistle. [blows air] Well, sound came out yesterday.
George Sr.: You can't spend your day in a broom closet.
Sheldon: It's no longer a broom closet. It's now a citadel of higher learning.

George Sr.: Hey, Tam. I can't find Sheldon. You know where he is?
Tam: I promised not to say.
George Sr.: Tam!
Tam: Lucky for you I'm weak.
[later, as George finds Sheldon's secret study hall:]
George Sr.: Are you kidding me?
Sheldon: I knew Tam was weak.

George Sr.: So he hasn't been in any of your classes?
Ms. Ingram: Mm-mm, not a one.
Ms. MacElroy: Nope.
George Sr.: But I bring him here, I take him home he's got to be somewhere in the building.
Ms. Ingram: Mm, I might've seen him in the library. But at this point, I sometimes think I see him when I'm alone in my house.
Ms. MacElroy: Like that creepy Chucky doll in the movies?
Ms. Ingram: [laughs] Exactly!

George Sr.: Hey, Hubert. Was Sheldon in class today?
Mr. Givens: Nope. Haven't seen him all week.
George Sr.: Weren't you gonna say anything?
Mr. Givens: I didn't want to jinx it.