Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Dr. John Sturgis: [snoring]
Mary: What happened?
George Sr.: Oh, I had a few beers. He had one.
Missy: Seriously? We can't get a dog, and this guy's still here?

Dr. John Sturgis: Excuse me! Everyone!
George Sr.: Oh, boy.
Dr. John Sturgis: I would like to propose a toast to George Cooper. I don't mind telling you I'm going through a bit of a rough patch, and this man went out of his way to take me here and listen to my woes. And George and I don't even know each other that well.
George Sr.: You heard it. Y'all heard it.
Dr. John Sturgis: But I just broke up with a woman. A beautiful, passionate woman. Adventurous. Sensual. Apparently, you're never too old for heartache. But tonight, I found solace in the bosom of male friendship. To George Cooper. [silence] Drinks are on me!
All: To George Cooper! [cheers]

George Sr.: Have you played much pool?
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, in my undergraduate days, all the time. It's just physics and geometry.
George Sr.: Is that so?
Dr. John Sturgis: I calculate the angles in my head. Sometimes in radians, sometimes in degrees, depending on my level of whimsy.
George Sr.: I'm a radians man myself.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's a joke?
George Sr.: Supposed to be.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Oh, life is funny. A week ago, I was in a mental institution, and now I'm laughing it up in a dive bar.
George Sr.: Not just any dive bar. One where everyone knows me.
Dr. John Sturgis: And they are lucky that they do.

Meemaw: Thank you so much, Ira. I really needed this.
Ira Rosenbloom: You're welcome.
Meemaw: We should do it again. What's your Friday night look like?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, no, Friday's no good 'cause we're doing inventory at the store.
Meemaw: Oh, okay. Well, how about the weekend?
Ira Rosenbloom: No, no, no, that's not good for me, either.
Meemaw: Are you blowing me off?
Ira Rosenbloom: Is it that obvious?
Meemaw: Well, I don't understand why. I mean, I-I thought we had a nice time.
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, we did. But you're still hung up on John, and I don't want to have my heart broken again, so I'm gonna respectfully pass.
Meemaw: Unbelievable.
Ira Rosenbloom: I know. It turns out I do have a shred of dignity. [chuckles] I'm as surprised as you are.
Meemaw: [chuckles] I'm not having a good week.

Sheldon: Is it difficult to see your mother go out with men who aren't your father?
Mary: Wow. That's a big one. Um I suppose it took some getting used to, but she's a grown-up, and even though Pop-Pop passed away, she deserves to be happy.
Missy: Just so you know, I'd be happy with one American Girl doll.
Mary: And we're done.

Missy: But if you did get a divorce, how many American Girl dolls could I get?
Mary: Your father and I aren't getting a divorce.
Missy: But more than one, right?

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, thank you for listening.
George Sr.: My pleasure.
Dr. John Sturgis: And if you want to talk about your relationship with Mary, I'm all ears. Intimacy issues, communication difficulties, problems in the bedroom...
George Sr.: Hey! Pool table's open.
Dr. John Sturgis: Ah! Wonderful.

Dr. John Sturgis: Can you believe Connie was my first girlfriend?
George Sr.: Really?
Dr. John Sturgis: And probably my last.
George Sr.: Come on, don't talk like that.
Dr. John Sturgis: No, it's true. She may not realize it, but this is all for the best. I'm damaged goods.
George Sr.: No, you're not.
Dr. John Sturgis: It had just been so long since I'd had an episode. I thought I was okay. [laughs] But, clearly, I'm not, and, uh, who knows if it'll happen again. And, uh, I just can't take the risk of putting Connie through that.
George Sr.: Hey, she's got problems, too. I've seen her take a wine cooler out of the trash and finish it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs]
George Sr.: I'm not joking.

Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, thank you. That looks amazing. I love ice cream.
Meemaw: Did you know that they used to use the anal glands of beavers to make it taste like vanilla?
Ira Rosenbloom: No. Where'd you hear that?
Meemaw: It's just something I picked up along the way.
Ira Rosenbloom: You okay?
Meemaw: Yeah. Let's eat pie.
Ira Rosenbloom: And maybe not the ice cream.

Sheldon: I didn't realize we were expected to take sides.
Mary: No one needs to take sides.
Missy: When Heather M. 's parents got divorced, she said it was like picking sides, but you get twice the presents.
Mary: This isn't a divorce.
Sheldon: And I'm sure Meemaw and Dr. Sturgis will still be friends.
Missy: Heather M.'s parents aren't friends. But now she's got Barbie's DreamHouse and the pink Corvette. You heard me.

Sheldon: I must admit, after the breakup, I was worried, but now that Dr. Sturgis and Dad are friends, we'll be seeing even more of him.
Missy: How do we see less of him?
Mary: That is not nice.
Missy: Sorry, but I'm on Meemaw's side. She got me a two-piece bathing suit.

Nate: Hey, George. Who's your friend?
George Sr.: Hey, Nate. This is John Sturgis. He's a scientist.
Dr. John Sturgis: Pleased to make your acquaintance, Nate.
Nate: What can I get you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Um, do you have sarsaparilla?
George Sr.: Two beers. We'll take two beers.

Dr. John Sturgis: This is wonderful. Did you know the term "dive bar" originated because many establishments were below street level, and patrons had to essentially dive down to enter them.
George Sr.: Didn't know that.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, now you do.

Meemaw: So, enough about me. What's been going on in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Oh, boy. Well, after you and I broke up, I took the opportunity to work on myself. Started playing tennis again. Uh, I-I bought a telescope, which is pretty cool because you-you got to see the Moon all big and things. And, uh, I-I tried Vietnamese food for the first time, which did not go well. Oh, very spicy. You wouldn't believe the heartburn. Not enough Tums in the world.

Dr. John Sturgis: But we haven't cut open the pineapple yet.
Mary: You boys go ahead. We'll eat the pineapple another time.
Sheldon: But we haven't had a chance to talk about science.
George Sr.: Ooh, can Sheldon come?
Sheldon: Can I?
Mary: No.
Sheldon & John: Aw.

Mary: Why don't you take John to a bar or something?
George Sr.: Why?
Mary: 'Cause the children don't need to hear about how attractive he finds their grandmother.
George Sr.: Why don't you take him out?
Mary: Fine. You make sure the kids take baths and get to bed. Oh, and Sheldon needs his fingernails trimmed.
[cut to:]
George Sr.: Hey, John, what do you say you and I go grab a beer?

George Jr.: How do relationships work for old people? When you were young, you didn't think old women looked hot. But now that you're old, do you?
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a very interesting question.
Mary: Can I speak to you in the kitchen?
George Sr.: I want to hear the answer.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've always found your grandmother to be very hot stuff.
George Sr.: All right, let's go.
George Jr.: But you can see her wrinkles, right?

Ira Rosenbloom: Let me get this straight. Your boyfriend comes home from the mental hospital, he dumps you, and he suggests that you go out with me?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Ira Rosenbloom: Sounds like a spite date.
Meemaw: Well, gosh, when you say it like that, doesn't sound great.
Ira Rosenbloom: No.No, no, I'm fine with it. I just I want to make sure I got everything right.
Meemaw: Hospital, dumped, spite. You got it.
Ira Rosenbloom: All right. I hear the creamed spinach is terrific.

Dr. John Sturgis: Well, I realize being here after ending my romantic relationship with Connie is unusual. So, as before, I'm perfectly happy to answer any questions that you might have.
Missy: I have a question. Can I eat in front of the TV?
Mary: Sure.
George Jr.: Let's get back to The Shining. When them elevator doors open, oh, man.