Dr. John Sturgis: Well, that's a shame.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry.
Dr. John Sturgis: It's just an armadillo, right?
Sheldon: It didn't seem that way to you in the van.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know it's silly, but... when I saw it lying there all bald and helpless, I thought, "That's gonna be me one day."
Pat: That is the most damn depressing thing I have ever heard.
Dr. Linkletter: The end of life does tend to be depressing.
Sheldon: In New Orleans, they embrace the tradition of a jazz funeral where the deceased are celebrated through music.
Dr. John Sturgis: That's true. Barkeep, do you happen to have any Dixieland jazz on the jukebox to celebrate the life of an armadillo?
Pat: Y'all need to leave now.

Meemaw: The gambling room's doing well.
Dale: I can see that, Scarface. But why is it here?
Meemaw: Well, I can't exactly take it down to the bank.
Dale: Why not?
Meemaw: They'd bust me for money laundering.
Dale: Well, it's small bills. Tell them you're a stripper.
Meemaw: It's $14,000.
Dale: Well, tell them you're a good stripper.

Adult Sheldon: Grandmas love to spoil their grandchildren. Especially when the grandma has a suitcase full of cash she doesn't know what to do with.
Missy: Whoa.
Sheldon: Oh, my. Did you mean to give us ten dollar bills? Because these are hundreds.
Missy: I'm gonna kick your ass.
Meemaw: I know it's a lot, but why not see you enjoy it while I'm still around?
Missy: Ooh, there's an inheritance, too?
Meemaw: Well, depends on how you treat me in my golden years.
Sheldon: I'm not interested in your money, Meemaw.
Missy: You're pretty and I love you.
Meemaw: Now, don't you have something to say to me?
Sheldon: Thank you.
Missy: I'm rich.

Coach Wilkins: Well, they were floating the idea of me being head coach next year.
George Sr.: What the hell, Wayne?
Coach Wilkins: I didn't know what it was gonna be about.
George Sr.: Well, what did you tell them?
Coach Wilkins: Look, I want you to keep your job.
George Sr.: Well, then tell them you're not interested.
Coach Wilkins: But...if you're not gonna keep your job, I want your job.
George Sr.: Really? You want to spend your days coaching lazy kids and getting yelled at by their parents?
Coach Wilkins: Come on, George.
George Sr.: Don't forget the dirty looks after you lose, like you're the one that fumbled on the three-yard line. That's the job you want?
Coach Wilkins: It's called coaching, George.

George Sr.: I mean, how could Wayne stab me in the back like this?
Mary: I don't think Wayne stabbed you in the back.
George Sr.: Can you please just agree with me?
Mary: Sorry. So, what happens now?
George Sr.: I don't know. I guess I wait and see if I'm fired.
Mary: Well, if that happens, you can always get another job.
George Sr.: Medford has one high school. [stammers] Another job could mean moving.
Mary: But our roots are here. My mom is here.
George Sr.: So, moving's got its upsides.

Mary: Didn't Sheldon's college talk to you about coaching there once?
George Sr.: That's right, they did.
Mary: And you know the president pretty well now.
George Sr.: I do.
Mary: And they're used to losing, so it's low pressure.
George Sr.: Thank you.

Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.

President Hagemeyer: So, what can I do for you?
George Sr.: When y'all were first recruiting Sheldon, you offered me a chance to head up your football program.
President Hagemeyer: And you turned us down.
George Sr.: I was right in the middle of rebuilding Medford's team, but now, I'm ready for a new challenge.
President Hagemeyer: Well, Mr. Cooper...
George Sr.: Please, call me Coach. Oh, and this just occurred to me, but, uh, if I were here, I could help keep an eye on Sheldon, take some of the burden off you.
President Hagemeyer: [laughs] Oh, your son is no burden.
George Sr.: He's a pain in the ass, ma'am. You can say it.
President Hagemeyer: Well, whether he is or he isn't...
George Sr.: He is.

President Hagemeyer: ...we don't have a football team anymore.
George Sr.: What? You're a university in Texas.
President Hagemeyer: We are a science-focused university.
George Sr.: But you got that whole stadium.
President Hagemeyer: Well, we still have soccer. Oh. What-what about Texas A&M? Pretty sure they have a football program.
George Sr.: Yeah, if that doesn't work, maybe I'll try the Cowboys.
President Hagemeyer: Hey, reach for the stars. [chuckles]

George Sr.: I went to Sheldon's college for a possible coaching gig. They don't even have a team anymore.
Dale: Huh. So you're looking for a new job?
George Sr.: Something like that.
Dale: Well, there's plenty of teams out there.
George Sr.: Yeah, but I'm starting to think it's gonna be the same BS wherever I go.
Dale: That's how I feel about life. Wherever I go... [blows raspberry]
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah.
Dale: You ever think about doing something different?
George Sr.: Well, I played football, I coach football, I watch a lot of football. So unless sitting here becomes a job...

Adult Sheldon: I'd only been a shareholder for one day and I was already reveling in the giddy thrill in being part owner of a thriving tech company.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, RadioShack. Sheldon Cooper, shareholder. I just wanted to let you know I'm so excited to be part of the team. While I sound young, rest assured, I'm far more intelligent than my age would imply. So if there's anything I can do to help, budgeting, product design, finding a word more impressive than "shack," I'm your man.

Adult Sheldon: My sister had taken a different path with her money.
Sheldon: What is that?
Missy: It's a cotton candy machine.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: It's a machine that makes free cotton candy.
Sheldon: It's not free, you paid for it.
Missy: Meemaw paid for it. And it's still better than lame stocks.
Sheldon: You're going to end up with a stomachache while I get to be part of America's favorite electronics retailer.

Dale: Well, I got money in the bank, and you got some in a suitcase. Well, we could put it together, we could travel, we could buy a vacation home.
Meemaw: Well, I can't just up and leave. I mean, I got the gambling room.
Dale: Georgie can take care of that, and besides, what's the use of having all that money and not enjoying it?
Meemaw: I guess.
Dale: God, we could go to Mexico and get a cabana and spend days on the beach.
Meemaw: And our nights on the toilet? [both laugh]
Dale: Yeah, doesn't sound half bad.

George Jr.: The point is, you shouldn't give this away for free.
Missy: How much would I even charge?
George Jr.: Hmm. How about 50 cents?
Missy: They only cost me, like, two cents to make.
George Jr.: Yeah, but you're not factoring in your time and the cost of the machine you bought and the value of the brainpower it took to think of butterscotch cotton candy.
Missy: Yeah. No one else thought of putting old-lady candy in a cotton candy machine. Why should they get it for free?
George Jr.: Welcome to business.
Missy: Thank you for having me.

Adult Sheldon: While my sister was starting her business, I was trying to save mine.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello, this is Sheldon Cooper. May I speak to CEO John Roach, please? It's regarding our stock taking a small dip, and I'd like to hear his game plan. Well, I'm busy, too, but I made the time to call. Fine, may I please speak to your COO? CFO? CTO? Hello?

Meemaw: Want to share a pitcher of margaritas?
Dale: Oh, something we can both enjoy? That doesn't sound like you.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, what?
Dale: Don't worry about it.
Meemaw: What, you-you just gonna sit there and pout and not tell me?
Dale: I was talking about us traveling together, and instead, you went out and bought a yellow clown car.

Meemaw: You're the one who told me to go out and have fun with my money.
Dale: I meant something fun for us.
Meemaw: Why us? It's my money.
Dale: You made that perfectly clear.
Meemaw: It's just a car.
Dale: It's not just a car. I think you got scared.
Meemaw: Scared of what?
Dale: I was talking about our future, and you panicked.
Meemaw: I think I've got a successful business and my own money and you can't handle it.
Dale: Oh, really?
Meemaw: Yeah. Really.
Waitress: What can I get started for you?
Dale: Actually, I think we're leaving.
Meemaw: I'm not going anywhere.
Dale: I'll have the enchiladas.

Missy: So, I said 70 cents for one or two for a dollar, and everyone bought two.
George Jr.: People love a deal.
Missy: I know. I sold out.
George Jr.: Then you got to start charging more.
Missy: How much more?
George Jr.: Just raise the price a little at a time until you see your profits top out.
Missy: I'm learning, but it's fun. This is weird.

Sheldon: [on the phone] What do you mean, he hasn't read my fax? Is he aware I'm a shareholder? Well, where's the next shareholders' meeting? Fort Worth? I could barely get my mom to drive me to church.

Adult Sheldon: My mother would say money is the root of all evil. But she also said that about The Simpsons. I say money is just a medium of exchange, a way of transforming something into something else. My meemaw bought a sports car and transformed a relationship in the process. My sister transformed her money into a thriving business that was eventually shut down due to an infestation.
Missy: Ew.
Adult Sheldon: And for a brief moment, I became part of my dream company. Fun fact: later that year, RadioShack did open a megastore called Incredible Universe. Turned out the only thing incredible about it was how quickly it closed down. Oopsie.