Mary: Oh, dear Lord.
George: You wanted a toilet? Voilà.
Mary: Where did you get it?
George: From the high school. We got, like, ten of 'em for visiting teams. Yeah... give it a whirl.
Sheldon: I'd rather die.

George: Not bad, huh?
Georgie: I don't know. Might look better by the fence.
George: Look better? It's a big plastic crap house.

Dale: All right. So I believe that completes the sky. Satisfying, huh? [Meemaw looks unimpressed] So, what do you think? Want to get some exercise, go for a walk until you start beeping?
Meemaw: Ha, ha, ha. It's not funny. My life is in shambles, and I'm too old to start over.
Dale: Oh, come on. You are not too old. Now, listen, you are a smart, vibrant, perky woman.
Meemaw: Perky?
Dale: Well, yeah, compared to me. [chuckles] And I'll tell you another thing. Your life's not over. You are writing a new chapter in the book of you. A book where a perky heroine rises up and...
Meemaw: And what?
Dale: I don't know. Y-You want to get drunk?
Meemaw: Yes.
Dale: Great. I'm gonna run to the liquor store. You want to come with me?
Meemaw: Dale!
Dale: Right. Okay. Be back in a jiffy. [exits]
Meemaw: God help me, I love him.

Mandy: What are we gonna do? I mean, we're six people. We need a toilet.
George: Don't worry. Georgie, come with me.
Georgie: Where are we going?
George: I got a plan.
Georgie: Is it a good plan?
George: Eh. [makes unsure hand gesture]

Mary: Did he fix it?
George: Not quite. And he's still a weasel.
Mary: What'd he do?
George: Look. [hands Mary the estimate]
Mary: [gasps] What a weasel.

Phil: Here's the estimate. I'm gonna need 50% down to get started.
George: Are you kidding me? We're fixing a toilet, not buying a car.
Missy: Good thing I wasn't going to college.
Phil: Nothing's wrong with your toilet. Septic tank is shot. [George sighs]
Missy: What's a septic tank?
Phil: It's basically a big container under the backyard that's filled up with all your... bathroom business.
Missy: Ew! I played in that yard.
George: Missy, not now. Come on, Phil. Isn't there some kind of friends and family discount? I mean, we went to high school together.
Phil: Yeah, and you were mean to me.
George: Oh, come on! I-I was mad at the world, not just you!
Missy: I ate that dirt.

George: [trying to unclog a toilet] Come on, little buddy. You can do it. Talk to me. There you go. Let it out. [water shoots up] Aah! [groans]
Missy: Years.

Missy: Toilet's backed up.
George: What? Don't look at me. I just got home.
Missy: Yeah, but it's had years of you.
George: [sighs] I'll check it out.

George: All right, what do you got?
Sheldon: Well, have you ever heard of Vincent "The Chin" Gigante?
George: He a boxer?
Sheldon: He was originally. Good for you. But he's better known as a major crime boss who managed to stay out of prison by employing the legal doctrine of "mens rea".
George: Which is?
Sheldon: He pretended to be nuts. He wandered the streets of New York in a bathrobe, he had poor personal hygiene, he mumbled to himself... all the cuckoo classics.
George: Yeah. If you need someone to testify that she's off her rocker, you give me a call.
Sheldon: Thank you.

George: Studying for a test?
Sheldon: Studying to take the bar exam. Meemaw's going to need a smart lawyer. By the time we find one, I could just learn how to do it.
George: Seriously?
Sheldon: Common law was invented by a bunch of English farmers in the Middle Ages. I think I can hack it.

Georgie: What about the Laundromat, the video store?
Meemaw: They shut everything down.
Georgie: God. So what are we gonna do for money?
Mandy: Yeah.
Meemaw: That's an excellent question.
Dale: How was Dollywood?
Mandy: Magical. What are we gonna do about money?

Mandy: Do they know about Georgie?
Meemaw: No, of course not.
Dale: Your grandma's not a snitch. Which, by the way, will serve you well if you end up in the slammer.
Meemaw: The pokey, the slammer. What is it with you?
Dale: I like cop shows. You learn things.

Georgie: Hey, we're back.
Meemaw: Hey, hi.
Mandy: Where's my little girl?
Meemaw: Um, she's with Mary.
Mandy: Why?
Meemaw: Well, how do I put this?
[Meemaw kicks her leg up onto the table to show off her ankle monitor]
Georgie: What the heck is that?
Meemaw: I'm under house arrest.

Dale: Ooh. I found a corner.
Meemaw: Congratulations.
Dale: Oh, come on. We can have a little fun.
Meemaw: I have lost my business, I have lost my home, I have lost my freedom, and you want to have fun?
Dale: A little fun.
Meemaw: Do you not understand? I could be going to jail.
Dale: Oh, come on, please. They're not gonna send a sweet old grandma to the pokey.
Meemaw: Well, I hope not.
Dale: Ah. Well, tell me something if you would. Is that sky or water?
Meemaw: Let me see it. [examines the piece and throws it across the room]
Dale: It's a good thing that didn't go 50 yards. You can still get it.

Meemaw: I can't leave the house? What the hell am I supposed to do all day?
Dale: I am way ahead of you. See? I stopped and I picked up puzzles. Got us the Grand Canyon and Dogs Playing Poker.
Meemaw: If I were to run right now, would you shoot me?