Ira Rosenbloom: Hey.
Meemaw: Is this a good time?
Ira Rosenbloom: Absolutely. Come in, come in.
Meemaw: Ira, this is my grandson Sheldon. Sheldon, this is my friend Ira.
Sheldon: Hello.
Ira Rosenbloom: Howdy.
Sheldon: So Meemaw tells me you're Jewish.
Ira Rosenbloom: Right to it, huh?

Sheldon: What about God?
Ira Rosenbloom: What about him?
Sheldon: Does he play a part in your life?
Ira Rosenbloom: Well, historically, he's gotten a kick out of punishing us.

Mary: Hey. How's it going?
Sheldon: Good. Did you know that Zoroaster believed in two gods?
Mary: No, I did not.
Sheldon: And the Taoists don't believe in God at all. They believe in a principle of harmony.
Mary: How very nice for them.

Herschel Sparks: I'm just thankful Billy found some friends and he ain't eating dirt and crabgrass any more. Some point, he just got a taste for it.

Herschel Sparks: On an unrelated note, uh, you doing something new with your hair? It looks, uh, real pretty.
Mary: No, but thank you. Okay, well, I'm gonna leave you to it.
Herschel Sparks: Smells good, too.
Mary: All right. Bye-bye.
Herschel Sparks: Hey, you want chicken for dinner? I'll slaughter a big one for you right now.
Mary: I'm good.
Herschel Sparks: I'll kill one in case you change your mind. Now which one of you's tired of this life? You.

Missy: Cave Mom. I'm gonna call you that.

Mary: It doesn't matter, Sheldon. We can't afford a computer.
Sheldon: Sure we can. It's only $998, and Dave says we can buy it on easy monthly payments.
Dave: That's true.
Mary: Stay out of this, Dave. Come on. We got to get home.
Sheldon: But-
Mary: Sheldon, I said no.
Dave: I can make you a good deal on the floor model, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary: Seriously, Dave, you're getting on my nerves.

Mary: Where are you going?
George Sr.: To get a glass of milk.
George Jr.: He's lying. He's getting a beer.
George Sr.: Shut up, Georgie.

George Sr.: Oh, come on. You know how I feel about your mother meddlin' in our finances.
Mary: She wasn't meddlin', she was offering to help. And that computer is not some silly toy. Sheldon could use it for his schoolwork, and I could use it to organize my recipes.
George Sr.: You already got 'em organized on those little cards.
Mary: Yeah, like a cave person.

George Sr.: We can't afford it, end of story.
Mary: Not exactly end of story.
George Sr.: What's that mean?
Mary: I've been setting money aside the last couple of years, and this might be a good use for it.
George Sr.: Money from what?
Mary: You know, here and there. Bookkeeping for the church, some seamstress work, birthday money from my Aunt Zelda.
George Sr.: And just how much of this "here and there" money you got saved up?
Mary: Well, seeing as it's my money, I don't think that's any of your business.
George Sr.: None of my business? You see every nickel I make, and you got secret money?
Mary: It's not secret. I just told you.
George Sr.: Where you hiding it?
Mary: Well, now you're headed into secret territory.

George Sr.: I'm glad we're not having our once-a-week 'cause I am not in the mood.
Mary: Really? That's too bad.
George Sr.: Why? Are you?
Mary: No!
George Sr.: That was uncalled for.

Meemaw: What's he got in there?
Mary: Everything.

Adult Sheldon: Georgie married his first wife at 19. He never paid my father.

Mary: Sheldon, we've talked about this. You don't need to announce to people how things smell.

Missy: Are you and Dad gonna get a divorce?
Mary: Of course not.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Packing up your kids in the middle of the night and moving in with your mom has all the earmarks of a divorce.

Meemaw: I love you, and I love the kids, but I love you better living across the street.
Mary: Sorry the end of my marriage is inconveniencing you.
Meemaw: Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's a little spat.
Mary: No, this was a long time coming. This goes to the very core of our relationship.
Meemaw: I see we're sticking with dramatic.

George Jr.: You going to apologize? Dad! Dad! If you are, bring back meat!

George Sr.: Okay, water's definitely on. Try it now.
George Jr.: We want delicate or regular?
George Sr.: It doesn't matter, just turn it on.
George Jr.: Let's go with delicate to be safe.

Mary: These home computers are amazing. I could start a real bookkeeping business with that thing.
Meemaw: And that would go a long way to giving you the financial independence you're looking for.
Mary: Darn tootin'.

Mary: Missy! Turn off the computer. Time to go to bed.
Missy: I got to finish my homework! [playing Wheel of Fortune on the computer] Big money, big money. Yes!