Pastor Jeff: Mary, he's a snake oil salesman, taking people's money and promising 'em all kinds of riches.
Mary: Well... Then how do you explain this check I got from the IRS?
Pastor Jeff: $800.
Mary: I sent Reverend Travis $50 and that came the very next day.
Pastor Jeff: Oh, come on. It had to be in the mail before you sent your money in.
Mary: Did it?
Pastor Jeff: Of course. I'm as patriotic as the next guy, but our postal service flat-out sucks. Excuse my French.

Mary: You wanted to see me, Pastor?
Pastor Jeff: Cop a squat. Uh, please, have a seat. I just wanted to thank you for all the work you've done preparing for the carnival.
Mary: Anything for the church.
Pastor Jeff: I'm so glad you said that. How would you feel if... we put Sheldon in the dunk tank?
Mary: What? No.
Peg: Aw.
Pastor Jeff: But imagine how much people would pay to dunk him. We'd raise so much money.
Peg: I'm in for $20, easy.
Mary: I'm not having people throw baseballs at my son.
Pastor Jeff: They throw them at a target. He's in a cage.
Mary: No!
Peg: Boo.
Pastor Jeff: Okay. I respect your decision.
Mary: Is that all?
Pastor Jeff: Yes.
Peg: Well, damn.
Pastor Jeff: [to the heavens] I do so much for you.

Mary: Well, we disagree. Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me to be prosperous and I believe him.
Pastor Jeff: This is nothing but a coincidence. You overpaid your taxes, you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.
Mary: You sound like Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I believe I know my way out. [Mary points to the door]

Pastor Jeff: Okay, now our next baptism is for Sheldon Lee Cooper, our soon-to-be brother in Christ. And, personally, this is a big get for me.

Joaquin: The problem is we've lost control. This is Frankenstein's monster.
Sheldon: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Joaquin: What?
Sheldon: To reanimate life was an incredible scientific achievement. The real bad guys in the story are the ignorant villagers.
Joaquin: You were on the monster's side?
Sheldon: Unfairly hounded for being different? You betcha.

Evan: It's your call. Particle accelerator, or no particle accelerator?
Sheldon: Let me fetch my money sock.
Evan: You keep your money in a sock?
Sheldon: My meemaw keeps her money in her bra.

Mary: Well, we disagree. Reverend Travis says that the Lord wants me to be prosperous and I believe him.
Pastor Jeff: This is nothing but a coincidence. You overpaid your taxes, you got a refund, Jesus has nothing to do with it.
Mary: You sound like Sheldon.
Pastor Jeff: I believe I know my way out. [Mary points to the door]