Sheldon: When the Aggies give up the ball on their own five-yard line, the opposing team has a 92% chance of scoring. When they punt from deep in their own territory, the other team still has a 77% chance of scoring. But since they convert on fourth down 50% of the time, the math says they should never punt again.

George Jr.: Fourth down.
George Sr.: Gotta punt.
Missy: Gotta.
Sheldon: Statistically, always punting on fourth down makes no sense.
George Jr.: Statistically, you're a dumbass.

Meemaw: I don't care if you win, just cover the damn spread.
Mary: Mom, are you betting again?
Meemaw: No.

Adult Sheldon: In Texas, the Holy Trinity is God, football and barbeque, not necessarily in that order.

Adult Sheldon: I tried to explain to my parents that a mutant named Cyclops, who shoots laser beams out of his eyes, helped me eat a licorice stick. Went right over their heads.

Sheldon: What I find interesting is how many supervillains are scientists: Doctor Octopus, Doctor Doom, Lex Luthor, Green Goblin, the list goes on and on.
Tam: So?
Sheldon: So if the world doesn't respect me, I might change sides.

Adult Sheldon: Just like that, I overcame my fear of choking. All that was left was my fear of dogs, birds, insects, germs, hugging, button fly pants, rivers, ponds, lakes, oceans, estuaries, corduroy, root vegetables, squeaky balloons, tinted windows, take a penny, leave a penny, fireworks, potbelly stoves, dust bunnies, that fuzz on peaches.

Adult Sheldon: I didn't have to read many comic books to understand that every superhero had a weakness, something they had to overcome through an extraordinary act of courage. For Cyclops, it was the loss of Jean Grey. For Rogue, it was human touch. For me, it was food that required chewing. So if I truly was a mutant, I would have to do the same. On this day, I would not be defeated. Because this was the day I became The Chewer.

George Jr.: I guess I never thought about it that way before.
Meemaw: You kidding me? Right now, they would be nagging you about cleaning your room and doing your homework. Instead, you're sitting in a parking lot, eating a Blizzard for dinner.
Missy: With cookie dough in it.
Meemaw: Exactly. While Sheldon is stuck sitting in some boring shrink's office.
George Jr.: Mom told me they were taking him for a haircut.
Meemaw: Oh, yeah, right. Well, when he gets home, say his hair looks good.

Meemaw: It doesn't matter. Tonight is not about Sheldon.
George Jr.: Yeah, right. Everything's always about Sheldon.
Missy: Yeah. Most of the time, it's like we don't even exist.
Meemaw: I guess Sheldon does get most of the attention. Maybe that's a good thing.
Missy: How?
Meemaw: Well, if it weren't for him, your parents would be on your ass all the time.

Missy: Hey, Meemaw, next to Sheldon, who's smarter, me or Georgie?
George Jr.: Me, of course.
Missy: Why you?
George Jr.: My head's bigger.

Missy: Meemaw, are you gonna have any more babies?
Meemaw: Good Lord, no!
George Jr.: She's too old to have any more babies.
Meemaw: Don't have to have 'em. You live long enough, your hair and your teeth start falling out, you start wetting the bed, you get to be one.
George Jr.: [laughs] That's funny. We're gonna have to put a diaper on you.
Meemaw: You won't be laughing when you're doing it. I might be.

Sheldon: I'm enjoying this, but I'm having trouble with the onomatopoeia.
Tam: The what?
Sheldon: The onomatopoeia. Words that imitate sounds. "Kthoom" "Snikt" "Bamf" Writers shouldn't make up words.
Tam: Somebody made up "onomatopoeia".
Sheldon: You challenge me. I like that.

George Sr.: And Sheldon's fine. You know what he's like. If someone took him, I'm sure they'll bring him right back.

Mary: I think we should call the police.
George Sr.: We don't need the police. We'll find him.
Mary: This is all my fault. He ran away because we took him to a therapist.
George Sr.: That's $15 we ain't getting back.

Tam: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: Oh, hello, Tam.
Tam: I thought you said comic books are for children.
Sheldon: I'm a complicated young man.

Mary: Sheldon?
George Sr.: Where the hell did he go?
Mary: Sheldon?
Dr. Goetsch: Couldn't have gone far.
Mary: Why not?
Dr. Goetsch: Right on, right on.

Dr. Goetsch: You'd be surprised how many children have food phobias.
Mary: Is that so?
Dr. Goetsch: Oh, yeah. When I was Sheldon's age, I was afraid of that weird skin on top of puddin'.
George Sr.: Really? Me, too. You know, you put a little Saran Wrap on-
Mary: George!

Meemaw: Y'all want to go get some ice cream?
George Jr.: What about dinner?
Meemaw: What about it? Come on.
Missy: Is ALF dead?
Meemaw: No, but it's just a matter of time.

Meemaw: What are y'all watching?
George Jr.: Little Rascals.
Meemaw: You know most of those kids are dead, right?
Missy: What?
Meemaw: Alfalfa, Stymie, Buckwheat.
Missy: Even Petey the dog?
Meemaw: Oh, especially Petey the dog.
George Jr.: Thanks for making it depressing.
Meemaw: You're very welcome.