Meemaw: I'm in the prime of my life. I got my water aerobics and my salsa dancing and my bowling league.
Mary: But you love your grandchildren.
Meemaw: I love ice cream, too, but I don't want to eat it from 3:00 to 6:00 five days a week.
Mary: Well, I'm very disappointed.
Meemaw: And I'm fine with that.

Mary: It's not just bookkeeping. I'd be in charge of handling the maintenance issues you know, plumbing, electric, what have you. And I'd also head the planning committee for all the social events, which, of course, includes the big three: baptisms, weddings, funerals. And here is the cherry on top. The sign in front of the church with all the clever sayings-
George Sr.: "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus"?
Mary: Exactly. Guess whose job it would be to write those.
George Sr.: Yours.
Mary: Already working on a couple. Listen to this. "The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
George Sr.: What?
Mary: You know, be one. Like be a Christian. And also B1 the vitamin.
George Sr.: Well, now that you explained it, it's funny.
Mary: Yeah. Might be a thinker. But there's a lot more where that came from.

Pastor Jeff: I don't know if you've heard, but our church secretary, Elizabeth Sohinki, is currently seeking treatment for a little problem with shall we say "under-the-counter" medications.
Mary: Oh, so that rumor's true.
Pastor Jeff: Mm-hmm.
Mary: Well, she did always seem extremely alert.
Pastor Jeff: Alert, shaky, sweaty.

Mary: How are you liking Medford, Selena?
Pastor Jeff: ¿Cómo te gusta Medford?
Selena: Nunca he estado tan aburrido en toda mi vida. [I've never been so bored in my entire life.]
Pastor Jeff: She likes it fine.
Mary: Oh.
Selena: Voy a fumar en el baño. [I'm going to go smoke in the bathroom.]
Pastor Jeff: She needs to use the little girls' room. Mary, could I talk to you for a second?
Mary: Sure.
Pastor Jeff: Don't worry. I'll bring her right back.
George Sr.: Wasn't worried, but okay.
Sheldon: His Spanish is terrible. That's not what she said at all.

Pastor Jeff: Howdy, Coopers! How we doing today?
Mary: Thank you, Pastor Jeff.
Pastor Jeff: Y'all remember my wife Selena.
Meemaw: Hi, Selena.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Selena: ¿Qué tal?
George Jr.: You're married to her?
Pastor Jeff: Why, yes, I am.
George Sr.: [QUIETLY]: You can think it, you don't need to say it.

Mary: Well, I am happy to report that my potato salad is once again the hit of the potluck.
George Sr.: That's great, honey.
Mary: I feel bad for Pam Staples. No one's touching her potato salad.
Sheldon: If you feel bad, then why are you smiling?
Meemaw: 'Cause sometimes your mommy's a big ol' hypocrite.

Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: Sing it again, Mom.
Mary: First, blow your nose.
Sheldon: [blows nose]
Mary: [sings] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Adult Sheldon: As you can see, my meemaw successfully lured me back into the world by reminding me of my brave Texas ancestors. Their blood ran through my veins. I was a true son of the Lone Star State. Albeit a true son with an incredibly fragile immune system. I woke up the next morning with a temperature of 102 and a head packed full of mucus.

Mary: I'm impressed.
Meemaw: Me, too. I thought I'd lost him at Sissy Spacek.

Meemaw: Listen to me, buster.
Sheldon: Okay.
Meemaw: You are a lot of things, Sheldon. You are cute, smart, hygienic. But most of all you are a Texan.
Sheldon: So?
Meemaw: So Texans aren't afraid of nothin'! Rattlesnakes, Indians, the Mexican Army. Do you imagine that Sam Houston was scared of a little old cold?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Jim Bowie?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: Sissy Spacek?
Sheldon: I guess not?
Meemaw: You're damn right, because they're Texans through and through. Now I want you to quit hiding in this plastic bubble, and I want you to come out here and eat your cookies out in the world like a man! Like a Texan man!

Meemaw: Oh, Moon Pie, I've got a little treat for you.
Sheldon: Chocolate chip?
Meemaw: Mm-hmm, right out of the oven.
Sheldon: Good. That means they're sterile.

Meemaw: Mind if I take a crack at catching the Road Runner?
Mary: What are you gonna do that I couldn't do?
Meemaw: Oh, a little trick I learned trying to get prairie dogs out of the hole. Of course we'd whack off their heads with a golf club. I'm not gonna do that to Sheldon.

Meemaw: Look at that. St. Mary drinking alcohol.
Mary: God saw what just happened. He gets it.

Meemaw: Oh, Lord, I think I'm gonna wet myself.

Meemaw: Mary, I'm gonna run and go get my video camera. Don't catch him till I get back.

Mary: Sheldon! You can't run away from me forever.
Sheldon: I don't have to do it forever. Just till you get tired.

George Jr.: I think the saddest part about it is just how sad it is.

Mary: Shelly, baby, please come on out.
Sheldon: I can't.
Mary: Come on. I'm your mommy. Do it for your mommy.
Sheldon: No.
Mary: But I'm your mommy.
Meemaw: [LAUGHING] Y'all are killing me. [LAUGHING]: "I'm your mommy."

Mary: If you're not gonna help, please go inside. This is not a show.
Meemaw: Now that's where I disagree.

Mary: Shelly, if you don't mind me asking, what's your long-term plan here?
Sheldon: I'm working on the math to turn the garage into a self-sustaining ecosystem.
Mary: Okay. And what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: Well, all I need is sunlight and a few seeds to grow unlimited food which I'll fertilize with my own feces.
Meemaw: This just gets better.