Mary: You also will not stare at him during dinner.
Sheldon: Can I look at him at all?
Mary: Yes.
Sheldon: How long can I look at him before it's considered staring?
George Jr.: When I'm trying not to stare at girls, my rule is "two Mississippi".
George Sr.: I taught him that.

Mary: We need to make sure that Dr. Sturgis feels comfortable.
George Sr.: And how are we supposed to do that?
Mary: For starters, do not bring up his time in the hospital.
Missy: What if he brings it up? You let the grown-ups handle that.
George Sr.: In this scenario, am I one of the grown-ups?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Great.

Mary: Okay, Dr. Sturgis will be joining us for dinner.
Sheldon: Hot darn.
Missy: That guy's back?
George Jr.: I thought he was in the nut house.
Mary: We do not call it that.
George Jr.: That's what Dad calls it.
Mary: And that's why I made him sit.

Mary: We need to have a talk. Georgie, get in here!
Missy: Are we in trouble?
Mary: No one's in trouble.
George Jr.: What's going on?
George Sr.: Have a seat.
Mary: You're also getting talked to. Sit.

Meemaw: So, good news. John's coming home on Friday.
Mary: That's wonderful.
Meemaw: It is.
Mary: You must be thrilled.
Meemaw: Oh, I am.
Mary: Mm. Little nervous?
Meemaw: No. No. No.
Mary: Be understandable if you were. The man has been in a mental institution.
Meemaw: All I know is he sounded like himself on the phone, and the doctors say he's good to go.
Mary: Well, that's great.
Meemaw: It is. I'm excited.
Mary: Well, good.
Meemaw: [flatly] Very excited.
Mary: Okay.
Meemaw: I'm gonna get another beer.
Mary: 'Cause you're so excited?
Meemaw: You know it!

Meemaw: Garden's looking nice.
Mary: Well, not to commit the sin of pride, but I know.
Meemaw: How did you come out of me?

Sheldon: Mom. Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I was Gollum and Smeagol and I was in a cave fighting with myself over physics and hobbits. And then I realized that even though physics is frustrating, it won't turn me into a tormented creature who bites the heads off fish. Okay, good night.
George Sr.: [to Mary] I've been doing a great job with Missy. This one's on you.

Sheldon: [as Gollum] We're never going to figures it out.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We can, we're smarts. We're so smarts. Our brains is precious.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] If our brains is precious, we're wasting it on hobbitses. We like sciences.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We took a break from sciences. It was making us crazy.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] And look at us now. Look at what those nasty hobbitses have done to us.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] No, it was physicses. Physicses did this to us.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] Physicses.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [in bed] Ow!
Missy: I warned you.

Adult Sheldon: Having found no answers, I took it upon myself to rectify the inconsistent timeline in Lord of the Rings. J.R.R. Tolkien had a brilliant mind, but let's be honest. He was no S.L. Cooper.

George Sr.: Nice.
Missy: How do you make it curve?
George Sr.: Well, that's a little tricky. You you put two fingers on the seam. Right? And then you flick your wrist.
Missy: Okay.
George Sr.: Yeah? Here, try it.

George Sr.: Hey! You want to throw the ball around?
Missy: [crying] No, go away.
George Sr.: Did something happen at school?
Missy: [crying] I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: Okay. Well... You change your mind, you know I'm here for you. [starts to leave]
Missy: He likes someone else.
George Sr.: I'm sorry, sweetheart.
Missy: She doesn't even know who Nolan Ryan is.
George Sr.: This guy sounds like an idiot.
Missy: He's not. He's perfect.
George Sr.: All right. Want me to get your mom?
Missy: No.
George Sr.: You want me to beat this guy up?
Missy: No.
George Sr.: What can I do?
[Outside, George and Missy throw a ball around]

Sheldon: When Frodo and Sam are riding through the Shire, the book says the moon went westward, but according to the calendar Tolkien created, there should have been no moon visible.
Glenn: But in the appendix, Tolkien covers himself by saying there may be mistranslations from the Red Book.
Sheldon: Fictional Tolkien says that, but I can't help wondering if real Tolkien, who wrote the book, made the mistake or if it was an intentional mistake made by the fictional Tolkien, who translated these real-world events from an original source. [walks away]
Glenn: Oh, no. Is that how I sound to people?

Sheldon: The timeline doesn't make sense. I mean, it lists Samwise Gamgee's birth year as both 2963 and 2980.
Ms. Hutchins: Maybe he lied about his age.
Sheldon: Why?
Ms. Hutchins: I don't know. Maybe he thinks his neck makes him look older than he is.
Sheldon: But he's only in his 30s. That's young.
Ms. Hutchins: Thank you.
Sheldon: For a hobbit. For a human, that's mommy-age.
Ms. Hutchins: Thank you.

Ms. MacElroy: "The man who lived in the town was tall." Which word is the relative pronoun? Sheldon.
Sheldon: Have you read The Lord of the Rings?
Ms. MacElroy: Um, I have, but that's not what we're really doing right now.
Sheldon: The relative pronoun is "who." Now, did you notice that in Fellowship, Elrond says that the foundations of Barad-dur were made with the One Ring?
Ms. MacElroy: Let's say sure.
Sheldon: However, in Appendix B, "The Tale of Years," it's clear that Sauron began building Barad-dur in Second Age 1000, 600 years before the ring was forged.
Ms. MacElroy: Georgie.
George Jr.: Imagine living with this.
Ms. MacElroy: An hour a day is enough.

Sheldon: This can't be right.
Missy: What now?
Sheldon: In the letter that Gandalf leaves for Frodo at The Prancing Pony, he says that it's Mid-year's Day, Shire year 1418. However, in Appendix B, it says that Gandalf met Radagast on June 29, which is impossible because- Hey!
Missy: Next time, it's my shoe. And I will put zip on it.

George Jr.: [to Meemaw] Speaking of dying, when you do, can I have your car?

Sheldon: There's a character named Gollum who was corrupted by the Ring of Power. Now he runs around naked and bites the heads off fish.
Meemaw: That's called sushi. Which, by the way, I will die before I eat.

George Jr.: What are they doing out there?
Mary: They're bonding. It's great. Sheldon, how's your book?
Meemaw: Nice pivot.

Mary: Dinner's ready.
Missy: Five more minutes?
George Sr.: She wants five more minutes with her ole dad.

Missy: Is there anything else good I could say about the Rangers?
George Sr.: Uh, let's see. Tell whoever's interested that no one's ever gonna touch Nolan Ryan's strikeout record.
Missy: 'cause he strikes out all the time.
George Sr.: No. Because he throws strikeouts all the time.
Missy: Oh. Big difference.