Mary: I brought you a snack.
Missy: Thanks.
Mary: So, I don't know if you heard me and your father having a disagreement last night...
Missy: A "disagreement"?
Mary: Fine. A spat. Okay, a fight. I just want you to know that you do not need to worry.
Missy: It's kind of hard not to.
Mary: Uh, sometimes moms and dads have fights, but it doesn't mean that they don't work things out.
Missy: Did you work it out?
Sheldon: [o.s.] We're home.
Mary: Eat your cookies.

George Sr.: You ready?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: Okay, we're rolling.
Sheldon: Hello, Mother. I'd like to present my case as to why I should be allowed to go to East Texas Tech next year. And I'll keep it simple so you don't get confused.
George Sr.: Stop.
Sheldon: Something in my teeth?

Mary: Shelly and this college stuff is killing me. I... I never went to college. How can I prepare him?
Brenda Sparks: Mary, if that kid is smart enough to have colleges wanting him already, he's got to be smart enough to figure it out.
Mary: Maybe. It still hurts to hear him say he wants to leave.
Brenda Sparks: I bet. On the other hand, I'm worried my Billy will never be ready to leave.
Mary: Oh, of course he will.
Brenda Sparks: Damn. Smoking, drinking, lying. You're covering all the sins today.

Mary: So, George is mad at me, and Sheldon is mad at me, and... honestly, I'm mad at me, too.
Brenda Sparks: Will you please give yourself a break? All that you do for that family, I am surprised you didn't crack years ago.
Mary: How do you handle it all?
Brenda Sparks: I'm sitting in a chicken coop drinking a wine cooler at 11:00 a.m.... clearly, I don't.

George Sr.: Anyway, that leaves us with the big question: how do we get your mom on board with you going where Sturgis teaches?
Sheldon: Well, how did you get her to agree to marry you?
George Sr.: Oh, that won't work. She doesn't drink anymore.

George Sr.: So, we agree that the only way this is gonna happen right now is if you stay local.
Sheldon: I can always go away for grad school someday. And truth be told, I don't have the emotional maturity to squish my own bugs.

Brenda Sparks: Oh, hey, um... I was just kidding around.
Mary: I know.
Brenda Sparks: Why don't you come over here?
Mary: Really?
Brenda Sparks: And bring the pack. We'll go in the chicken coop, where God can't see us.

Brenda Sparks: Oh, my God. You smoke?
Mary: What? No.
Brenda Sparks: Then your face is on fire.
Mary: It's just the one. I'm going through a rough patch.
Brenda Sparks: What happened? The bookmark fall out of your Bible, and you lost your place?
Mary: No.
Brenda Sparks: You run out of room on your fridge for Sheldon's perfect report cards?

George Sr.: Okay, the "X" is you. College is the goal. What stands between you and the goal line?
Sheldon: Mom.
George Sr.: Exactly. She's a tough opponent, so we got to be smart about how we get around her.
Sheldon: Which won't be easy, because she's got Jesus on her team.
George Sr.: Boy howdy.

Sheldon: Now you don't want me to go to college either?
George Sr.: I didn't say that. I'm just saying, given how young you are, we need to be realistic.
Sheldon: I'll have you know I recently took care of my own boo-boo.
George Sr.: And as grown-up as that makes you sound, I don't think it's gonna convince your mother.
Sheldon: What will convince her?
George Sr.: I don't know, but I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with a plan.
Sheldon: Well, you managed to get her to marry you, so you do have a track record.

Missy: You know this is your fault.
Sheldon: You're the one who read the letter.
Missy: You went in her nightstand.
Sheldon: I was only looking for a flashlight. It's not my fault Mom was hiding things there.
Missy: They're fighting 'cause you're a freak. That's your fault. You know I'm right.

Mary: Where have you been?
George Jr.: Trying to find a job, but no one's hiring.
Mary: I'm sorry. Grab a plate and sit with us.
George Jr.: I ain't hungry. [exits]
Mary: So, where were we? Oh. Boys.
Missy: Georgie, come back.

Missy: This is weird.
Mary: I think it's nice. We don't usually get to chat, just us.
Missy: Yeah, I guess.
Mary: How are things in school?
Missy: Fine.
Mary: Still having fun at baseball?
Missy: Mm-hmm.
Mary: So, any boys you like?
George Jr.: [enters] Hey.
Missy: Thank God.

Mary: Hey. What are you doing with him? I thought you were in your room.
Sheldon: Oh, don't worry. I was.
George Sr.: I need to talk to your mother. Go back to your room.
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: And this time, stay there.
Sheldon: Aw.

George Sr.: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I want to know why no one told me about this recruitment letter from Caltech.
George Sr.: Let me see that.
Mr. Givens: All right, let's get me drunk.
Sheldon: Hi, Mr. Givens.
Mr. Givens: Aw, come on!

Sheldon: Dad.
George Sr.: What the hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: I need to talk to you.
George Sr.: How'd you even find me?
Sheldon: It's not like you come home smelling like coffee.

Coach Wilkins: All right, who's hotter... Cindy Crawford or Jessica Rabbit?
George Sr.: One's a person, one's a cartoon.
Coach Wilkins: And you couldn't get either one of 'em. Now answer the question.

Adult Sheldon: I was angry at my mother and needed more information. While she told me to go to my room, she didn't say stay there. Boy howdy, I do love a loophole.

Mary: I'm home.
Sheldon: Would you care to explain this letter, which I didn't read but legally know the contents of?

Missy: Say cheese.
Sheldon: Cheese. [camera shutter clicks] Now tell me what was in that letter.
Missy: You're pretty cranky for a princess rodeo clown.