Meemaw: Y'all two go get ready for bed.
George Jr.: I don't want to stay around here. I want to go to the hospital and see Dad.
Meemaw: Well, I want to go to Las Vegas and see Willie Nelson, but that ain't gonna happen either.

Sheldon: What'd she say?
Meemaw: The doctors are doin' some tests, but, dollars to donuts, your daddy's just got a bad case of gas.

Mary: Hi, Mom. Kids okay?
Meemaw: Yeah, they're fine. How's George?
Mary: I don't know. They're running tests.
Meemaw: Well, don't you worry about us. Everything's under control here.
Mary: Okay. I'll call you when I know more.
Meemaw: How you holdin' up?
Mary: I guess I'm okay.
Meemaw: Well, George is gonna pull through this, honey. I guarantee it.
Mary: Thanks, Mom. Thanks for bein' there.
Meemaw: You bet.

Meemaw: What kind of Texan drinks pink wine?

Sheldon: What did you mean by "insurance purposes"?
Meemaw: Just eat.

George Jr.: Hey. What's goin' on?
Missy: Dad's in the hospital.
George Jr.: What? Why's Dad in the hospital?
Meemaw: He's gonna be fine.
Sheldon: He had chest pains.
Meemaw: He's gonna be fine.
George Jr.: What are we doin'? Why aren't we going to the hospital?
Meemaw: Nobody's goin' nowhere. We're just gonna stay calm, have a nice dinner, and wait for your mama to call and tell us what's what.
George Jr.: I'm not hungry.

Missy: Is Daddy gonna be okay?
Meemaw: Oh, yeah. Your Pop-Pop used to have little chest pains all the time.
Sheldon: Didn't he die of a heart attack?
Meemaw: Well, for insurance purposes, yes.

Mary: Sorry about the "fat", honey.
George Sr.: You said you liked me this way.

Mary: I think my husband's having a heart attack!
Nurse Robinson: I need an RRT and a crash cart.
Mary: Over here.
Nurse Robinson: Sir, are you having chest pains right now?
George Sr.: Yeah, a little bit.
Nurse Robinson: Any numbness or pain in your arms?
George Sr.: Maybe this one.
Nurse Robinson: Shortness of breath?
Mary: Enough questions. He's a fat, middle-aged man with chest pains. Do something!

Meemaw: Don't worry! Meemaw's here! Everything's under control! Oh.
Sheldon: We haven't had dinner yet.
Meemaw: Really? (groans) I don't feel like cookin'.

Missy: How long are we supposed to sit here?
Sheldon: I don't know. She said don't move. She was very clear.
Missy: Hope I don't have to go to the bathroom.

Sheldon: Uh-oh.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: Listen to this. "French philosopher, mathematician and physicist, Blaise Pascal, argued a rational person should believe God exists because you have everything to gain if you're right, and nothing to lose if you're wrong."
Missy: Sounds right.

Missy: He even wrote me a note. "Eggs from your secret admirer. Billy."

Mary: You want me to cook those eggs for you, baby?
Missy: No. They're a gift.

Billy Sparks: Uh, hello, Mr. Cooper. Is Missy home?
George Sr.: Hello, Billy. No, she's at church.
Billy Sparks: I brought her eggs from my chickens.
George Sr.: I see that.
Billy Sparks: You can boil them or scramble them.
George Sr.: Okay.
Billy Sparks: I like fried.
George Sr.: Okay.
Billy Sparks: I don't like poached.
George Sr.: Okay. Thank you for your time. [hands over the eggs]
Billy Sparks: Okay.

Adult Sheldon: But I wasn't a good sport. At that moment, I vowed to come back the following Sunday and destroy Pastor Jeff.

Pastor Jeff: So what do you think the odds are that God exists?
Sheldon: I think they're zero. I believe in science.
Pastor Jeff: So you don't think science and religion can go hand in hand?
Sheldon: Science is facts, religion is faith. I prefer facts.
Pastor Jeff: I understand that. Here's a cool fact for ya. A lot of famous scientists believed in God. Isaac Newton. Albert Einstein. Even Charles Darwin.
Sheldon: So Darwin's right about God and wrong about evolution?
Pastor Jeff: Now you're gettin' it. Let's give it up for Sheldon, everybody. What a good sport.

Pastor Jeff: So you were saying?
Sheldon: You've confused possibilities with probabilities. According to your analogy, when I go home I might find a million dollars on my bed or I might not. In what universe is that 50-50?

Pastor Jeff: Let's give him a hand, everybody.
Missy: What's happening?
Meemaw: Shelly's gonna eat him alive. [chuckles]

Mary: Shelly, put your hand down. [To Pastor Jeff] Sorry. Please continue.
Pastor Jeff: It's okay, Mary. It's Sheldon, right?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Pastor Jeff: Well, Sheldon, why don't you come on up here and tell me how I'm wrong.
Mary: No.
Sheldon: Okay.