Herschel Sparks: I feel bad about the whole thing with the kids.
George Sr.: Hey, it happens.
Herschel Sparks: I know, but Bobbi shouldn't be beatin' on Sheldon like that. It's not okay.
George Sr.: What's not okay is Sheldon gettin' beat up by a little girl.
Herschel Sparks: Well ... yeah.

Missy: Isn't he pretty?
Bobbi Sparks: Very pretty.
Billy Sparks: I feel pretty.

Missy: One lump or two?
Bobbi Sparks: Two, please.
Missy: Billy?
Billy Sparks: Why would I want lumpy tea?

Herschel Sparks: I like to take a break from the family and come out here and watch the games.
George Sr.: Ooh! Your wife don't mind?
Herschel Sparks: She don't know. She's scared to death of chickens.
George Sr.: Is that right?
Herschel Sparks: Once I found out, buildin' this coop was a no-brainer.

George Sr.: You hang out in here?
Herschel Sparks: Sure. Once you get used to the smell, it's not so bad.
George Sr.: I coach a high school football team. This smells like petunias.

Herschel Sparks: Hey, George. It has come to my attention that your wife went to speak with my wife at her place of work, - and, uh-
George Sr.: She send you over here?
Herschel Sparks: Uh, the-the important thing is that I'm here to tell you that, uh, Mary's behavior was inappropriate.
George Sr.: You know, it's interesting. When I came to your house, you were laughin', and now you're all serious. Why is that?

Meemaw: She says that to me all the time. I'm not even sure she does it.

Brenda Sparks: You know what? I have been nothin' but nice to you and your family since the day y'all moved in, and I'm over it. Watching you walk around all holier than thou, like you're better than everyone else. Well, guess what, you're not.
Mary: I'm gonna pray for you!

Brenda Sparks: [on the tannoy] Connie Tucker to the front desk, please. Connie Tucker.
Mary: Why are you calling her?
Brenda Sparks: You say my daughter's harassing your son. Well, her daughter's harassing me.

Mary: I see that. But you understand that your daughter's being abusive to my son.
Brenda Sparks: Well, maybe your son needs to grow a pair.
Mary: And in due time, he will.

Sheldon: Missy, I could really use your help.
Missy: With what?
Sheldon: I'm being bullied by Bobbi Sparks.
Missy: Hilarious. Go on.

George Sr.: Where you goin'?
Mary: To handle it.
George Sr.: Should've been you in the first place.
Mary: What?
George Sr.: Good luck!

Mary: I thought you said you handled it next door.
George Sr.: I did say that.

Sheldon: Did you ever have a bully when you were growing up?
Mary: Have you met your grandma?

Mary: And regarding this jiu-jitsu stuff, you should know that a man's not supposed to raise his hand to a woman.
Sheldon: Oh, I won't. I don't want to hurt myself again.

Mary: Aw, baby. I'm so sorry you're havin' to deal with this.
Sheldon: It's okay. German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Mary: And do you feel stronger?
Sheldon: [contemplating] No.

Mary: You want to tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Bobbi Sparks came into the garage-
Mary: And she attacked you?
Sheldon: Not exactly. I tried to use jiu-jitsu on her, but I tripped and fell.

Sheldon: [SCREAMING]
Mary: Shelly, it's just Bactine.
Sheldon: Aah!
Mary: I didn't even put it on you yet.

Sheldon: Hello, Bobbi.
Bobbi Sparks: You told on me.
Sheldon: Well, actually, my brother figured it out, so, technically, I would argue that I didn't.
Bobbi Sparks: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Uh, I should let you know, I've read a book on jiu-jitsu. And I'm prepared to throw it at you.

Mary: How'd it go?
George Sr.: Uh, good. Yeah. I handled it.
Mary: Oh, thank the Lord.
George Sr.: Yeah. Me and the Lord. Team effort.