Pastor Jeff: Sometimes people say to me, "Pastor Jeff, how do you know there's a God?" And I say, "It's simple math. God either exists or he doesn't. So let's be cynical. Worst-case scenario, there's a 50-50 chance. And I like those odds.
Sheldon: That's wrong.

Missy: [running through the kitchen] I ate so much candy!
Meemaw: [gets up to leave] Okay. They're all yours.

Mary: Mom, we're home!
Meemaw: In here!
Mary: What's he doing up?
Meemaw: Losin'.
George Sr.: [firecracker pops] The hell is that?
Meemaw: I sent Georgie on a beer run, and tipped him with firecrackers.
Mary: Oh, Mom.
Meemaw: Was I supposed to stiff him?

Adult Sheldon: Meemaw liked to teach me things that kept me awake at night.

Sheldon: Do people know about this?
Meemaw: Sheldon, what's on a person's face is not always what's in their heart.
Sheldon: Well, this changes everything. How do you know who to trust?
Meemaw: You don't. That's what makes life interesting.

Sheldon: What? But you weren't happy.
Meemaw: I made you think I was unhappy.
Sheldon: But that's lying. You lied to your moon pie.
Meemaw: I bluffed my moon pie.

Meemaw: I'm gonna look at my cards again.
Sheldon: You're unhappy.
Meemaw: Which means?
Sheldon: You don't have good cards.
Meemaw: Mm-hmm. So I'm gonna see your nickel and raise you a quarter.
Sheldon: Quarter?
Meemaw: You can fold.
Sheldon: No. I have good cards, you have bad cards. I'm in. [revealing his cards] Nines and fives.
Meemaw: Mm. That's too bad. Three queens. You lose!

Meemaw: Hang on there a minute, moon pie. I want to teach you somethin'. Look at your cards, and then look in the mirror.
Sheldon: Hey, I'm smiling.
Meemaw: Uh-huh. And what does that tell me about your cards?
Sheldon: That I like them?
Meemaw: Attaboy. Now look at my face. Tell me what you see.
Sheldon: That you're old.
Meemaw: It's a good thing I love you.

Adult Sheldon: My father took pride in saying that he ran our house like a tight ship. The ship got a lot looser when my meemaw came over to babysit.

George Sr.: What?
Mary: These gentlemen are with the FBI. They want to talk to Sheldon.
George Sr.: What? Y-You fellas must have made a mistake. Sheldon's nine.
FBI Agent #2: Well, someone living at this address recently called a mining operation in Canada and tried to buy uranium.
Mary: Okay, maybe it's not a mistake.

Mary: Can I help you?
FBI Agent #1: Sorry to bother you, ma'am. FBI. We're looking for a Sheldon Lee Cooper.
Mary: George!
George Sr.: I'm on the can.
Mary: Now!

Tam: I don't understand why it didn't launch.
Sheldon: Me, neither. Evil Nazi scientists did it 50 years ago. How hard could it be?

Tam: So we came to Medford and opened up a convenience store. My parents work 16 hours a day, seven days a week for very little money. [silence]
Sheldon: Well, that was depressing.

Tam: Finally, we were allowed to come to United States and start over in Galveston. My father saved money and bought his own shrimp boat.
Mary: There's a happy ending. Huh? See, kids? When the going gets tough, America provides.
Tam: It did. Until the Ku Klux Klan burned our boat and chased us away.
George Sr.: You gonna put a good spin on that one?

Tam: We were forced to live in a refugee camp, where the only thing we had to eat were pigeons and rats.
George Jr.: Ha! That's a job for hot sauce.

Tam: When he was released, we escaped on a small boat and spent many weeks at sea dodging Cambodian pirates until we reached Thailand.
Mary: Oh, that's supposed to be a beautiful country. Lovely beaches.
Tam: I wouldn't know.

Tam: So, for many years, my mother and my sisters and I were very poor and very often didn't have much to eat. Then, when he was released-
George Jr.: What'd they teach him at the reeducation camp?
Tam: How to be a communist.
George Jr.: Cool, like in Rambo.

Mary: So, Tam, tell us about your family. What brings y'all to Texas?
Tam: Well, after the American War-
George Sr.: You mean the Vietnam War.
Tam: We call it the American War.
George Sr.: Hmm.
Tam: Anyway, after the war, my father was sent to a reeducation camp because he fought on the wrong side.
George Sr.: You mean our side.
Tam: I was trying to be nice.

Mary: Thank you, God, for this food, and bless the hands that prepared it. And thank you so much for Sheldon's new friend.

Mary: Okay, let's say grace. Now, Tam, when I say "Jesus," feel free to say the word "Buddha" in your head.
Tam: I'm actually Catholic.
Mary: Oh! Well, that's too bad.