Mary: What's up, sweetie?
Sheldon: I was wondering when I could continue my rocketry hobby.
George Sr.: Uh, Sheldon, we've been through this. You can build them. You just can't launch them.
Sheldon: But launching them is the fun part.
George Sr.: Tell that to the family of squirrels who died in the fire.

Mary: He made a friend! He did it! Our little boy has got a friend.
George Sr.: Who is it?
Mary: Who cares? It's a human being. It's a warm body.

Sheldon: Mom, what do you know about the drug Prozac?
Mary: Not much. Supposed to make people happier. Why?
Sheldon: I was just thinking some of my teachers might benefit from it.

Sheldon: Well, good luck on your quest to find a friend.
Tam: You, too.
Sheldon: (Leaves the library, comes back a moment later) If you haven't found one yet, I have good news.

Sheldon: I also tried to get some uranium and build an atomic engine, but that stuff's hard to find.
Tam: Probably for the best.

Sheldon: Oh, I read that book. It's excellent.
Tam: Are you into rocketry?
Sheldon: I started with water propulsion, worked my way up to solid fuel, then went back to water after I set our garage on fire.

Tam: Is that any good?
Sheldon: I'm afraid not. I failed to make a single friend.
Tam: That sucks. I have a tough time making friends, too.
Sheldon: The worst part is, it was important to my mom.
Tam: My parents pressure me about making friends all the time.
Sheldon: So you understand what I'm going through.

Mr. Givens: I had the brains, I had the charm, and I don't like to brag, but I was pretty easy on the eyes back then. That woman got herself one heck of a package. But some people don't want to be satisfied.

Adult Sheldon: Two years later, Mr. Givens became the high school principal, which might be why Ms.
MacElroy became morbidly obese.

Mr. Givens: Everybody told me, "Hubert, don't date someone from work." But did I listen? No. Let me tell you something. She likes to say I stole her innocence? Well, what about my innocence? I was never the same after we broke up.

Ms. MacElroy: Yes, that's my signature. Why do you ask?
Sheldon: I'm seeking people who want to make friends.
Ms. MacElroy: I wasn't interested in friends. I took out that book to help me become school principal.
Sheldon: Did it work?
Ms. MacElroy: Are we sitting in the principal's office?
Sheldon: No.
Ms. MacElroy: And you know why? Because Victoria MacElroy is not a man!
Sheldon: So to be clear, you're not interested in making friends?
Ms. MacElroy: What I'm interested in is in living long enough to see women no longer treated like second-class citizens.
Sheldon: Well if your goal is a long life, that chili cheeseburger is a step in the wrong direction.
Ms. MacElroy: Food is all I have. You gonna watch me eat? Get out of here.

Ms. Ingram: Child, go outside.

Ms. Ingram: You're like, "I'm here because I care. And by the way, your phone could make calls, too." Then tries to turn this whole thing around like it's all about you being needy, and you're like, "Yes, I have needs! That's what makes me human!"

Adult Sheldon: The list proved to be a double-edged sword. It turns out self-help books written in 1936 were only of interest to adults. Emotionally troubled adults.

Sheldon: Are you by any chance Evelyn Ingram?
Ms. Ingram: Yes.
Sheldon: The same Evelyn Ingram who checked out this book?
Ms. Ingram: And why is that your business?
Sheldon: I just assumed you were looking to make a friend.
Ms. Ingram: Oh, well, that was a long time ago. I had just gotten out of a very difficult relationship.
Sheldon: With a friend?
Ms. Ingram: Friend. Ha! I gave that man three years of my life and my innocence.
Sheldon: I don't know what that means.
Ms. Ingram: It means men are lying dogs only interested in one thing-
Sheldon: Well, that's not the dictionary definition.
Ms. Ingram: Mm-hmm. Always starts the same. A quick glance across the room, a casual hand on the shoulder, lunch at Stuckey's. [LAUGHS] Oh, yeah, it's all romance and flowers in the beginning

Sheldon: Excuse me, Ms. Ingram?
Ms. Ingram: Sheldon, it's recess. Go outside, see what it's like.

Mary: But if the book's not working-
Sheldon: It isn't. But I realized if I find the other people who checked out the book, they'd be looking for friends, too.
Mary: That's really smart.
Sheldon: Missy thought of it.
Mary: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I'm as surprised as you are.

Mary: Baby, you don't have to go to any trouble for me.
Sheldon: But I like doing things for you. You're a nice lady.

Mary: So how's it going?
Sheldon: Well, the principles in the book didn't work for me at all. Although Dad does like being called George over and over again, so you might give that a try.

Mary: So your father tells me you've been reading a new book?
Sheldon: I am. It's about how to make friends.
Mary: Is that something you're interested in?
Sheldon: Not really, but Missy told me it makes you sad that I don't have any.
Mary: Oh. I got to sew that girl's mouth shut.