Nathan: So how do you know Dr. Smith over there?
Sheldon: That's not Dr. Smith, that's Mr. Givens. He was my high school science teacher.
Nathan: Oh. Well, he's dressed as Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.
Sheldon: Oh, I've never seen it.
Nathan: Yeah, well, you're not missing much. It was a lame kids' show.
Mr. Givens: I'm sorry, "lame kids' show"? For your information, Star Trek wouldn't exist without Lost in Space. [all oohing]
Nathan: Yeah, well, at least Star Trek didn't have to steal its robot from Forbidden Planet. [all oohing]
Sheldon: I take it from their reaction that was a good dig?
Nathan: Solid.
Sheldon: Nice job.

Adult Sheldon: I was normally a rule follower, but one of the rules of spring break is to cut loose and break rules.
Sheldon: I'm heading out.
Mary: Where you going?
Sheldon: To see my comic book friends.
George Sr.: Hmm. I'm leaving in a few. You want a ride?
Sheldon: No, I'm taking my bike.
Adult Sheldon: All the way to the bus station. [Sheldon smirks]
George Sr.: Something funny?
Sheldon: Not funny. Just normal.
Adult Sheldon: Smooth.
Sheldon: Bye.
Adult Sheldon: So smooth.

Sheldon: Would you like to go with me to a comic book convention?
George Jr.: Will there be girls there?
[Sheldon turns around and walks away without saying a word]

Pastor Rob: Gentlemen. How are we tonight?
Billy Sparks: [whispers] Be cool.
Pastor Rob: Y'all wouldn't be planning on throwing any water balloons at the girls later?
Billy Sparks: No, sir.
[Pastor Rob picks up Billy's backpack and removes a water balloon]
Pastor Rob: Nice try.
Billy Sparks: How did he know?
Sheldon: Maybe God told him.

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Sheldon: Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.
Ms. Hutchins: Yeah, well... Neither-neither do you!

Sheldon: Paige, you're supposed to be doing science with me.
Paige: That's boring. I want to do something dangerous.
Sheldon: This is dangerous. We don't have an eye wash station.

Ms. Ingram: I'm sorry, why would I want to live next door to you?
Sheldon: Ask Mr. Givens. Apparently, I'm hilarious.

Mary: Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this. You upset Mr. Lundy, and you were rude to the people at the open house.
George Sr.: And he was bugging his teachers at school all day.
Sheldon: But Mr. Lundy said I could help him.
Mary: I don't care. Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.
Sheldon: That could work out. His wife's a police officer, so built-in security. And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the fence.

George Sr.: You want your boss living next door?
Mary: Not exactly.
Sheldon: You don't have to worry about your boss. There's a district rule that says that Principal Petersen cannot live next door to me.
Missy: That sounds made-up.
Sheldon: A principal who tells lies. What are we gonna do with this one?

George Sr.: Hey. [Sheldon groans] What's your problem?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: I had a mental block on a test and it was something that I absolutely know how to do.
George Sr.: Oh, you know, that sort of thing happens in sports, too.
Sheldon: I know. It's called the yips, and it's a very silly name for a very serious problem.
George Sr.: Well, you know, the best thing to do is get out of your head.
Sheldon: How do I do that?
George Sr.: Just turn your brain off.
Sheldon: It's like I'm not even your son.

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, may I speak with you?
Dr. Linkletter: If I say no, will you leave?
Sheldon: No.
Dr. Linkletter: Then why even ask?
Sheldon: It's called manners.

Adult Sheldon: Trying to outsmart my own thought patterns proved to be challenging. It's understandable, as smart as I was, I was also that smart. I wondered if I could invent a mind control device, but that sounded a little too "mwah ha ha" even for me. It turned out the device I was looking for had been in my presence the entire time. Television. It had been tranquilizing the minds of America's youth for generations, and it was just what I needed.
Man: [on TV] Lift off.
Sheldon: Too interesting. [turns to The Three Stooges] Too violent. [turns to game show involving slime] I don't think so.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Now, then, let's build us a little cloud. Clouds are very free. Very, very free. Tell you what. Shoot, that was so much fun, let's get crazy...
Sheldon: Who's this bohemian?

Sheldon: But what if it's scratchy and it's all I can think about?
Dr. Linkletter: It's just armpit hair.
Sheldon: Well, I don't even have it yet and it's already consuming my thoughts.
President Hagemeyer: All right, Sheldon, you are a smart kid. Now, you had to know that this was gonna happen eventually.
Sheldon: I'm a smart kid now, but what will I be in a year?
President Hagemeyer: A smart young man.
Sheldon: And then a smart adult. With money problems and marital strife and every other problem you can think of. I'll probably have a beer belly. Or root beer belly.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, armed with the sage advice of my father, my brother, and an executed murderer, I was allowed to retake the test.
Dr. Linkletter: You have 45 minutes starting now.
Sheldon: [inner monologue] Okay, just do it. Just do it. Just turn your brain off and do it. Is it off? Am I doing it? Wait, if I'm thinking it's off, then it must still be on. I'm trying too hard. Don't overthink, just do it. Just do it, just...
Dr. Linkletter: Time's up.
Sheldon: But I didn't do it.
Dr. Linkletter: Waste my morning? You did it.

Sheldon: Another fun footwear slogan is "I'm Buster Brown. I live in a shoe. That's my dog Tige. Look for him there, too."
George Sr.: Mm, I think mine is more helpful.
Sheldon: Well, mine rhymes, so...

Pastor Jeff: Actually, Mary, can I speak to you for a sec?
Mary: Sure. Um, I'll be right there.
Meemaw: Yeah, make it quick. I don't want to miss kickoff.
Sheldon: [groans] Church and football? At least 60 Minutes is on tonight.

Mary: Here's a question for you. Do you ever see or hear things that other people can't?
Sheldon: Oh, all the time. Right now, the car antenna is vibrating at the same frequency as the pistons in the motor. It's quite irritating, but you know me I don't complain.
Mary: I meant more like things that aren't actually there.
Sheldon: Ah, isn't that the fundamental question of modern metaphysics? What is actually there? This is fun. Missy should ride with Dad more often.

George Sr.: Is what they're asking really that bad?
Sheldon: Yes. I go to this university to study science, not to help collect money like an organ grinder's monkey.
George Sr.: You see me go to the rallies and fundraisers at the high school. I don't love it, but I do it.
Sheldon: And I hope they give you all the bananas you can eat.
George Sr.: Sheldon, donors like this are very helpful for the university. They pay for all the science equipment and your scholarship.
Sheldon: I hadn't thought of it that way.
George Sr.: So I'll tell 'em we're on for Saturday?
Sheldon: I'll think about it.
George Sr.: What's to think about? It's a night of you showing off how smart you are.
Sheldon: People do like that. All right, I'm in.

Sheldon: I also found this letter from Caltech. I wonder why she was hiding it.
Missy: So read it.
Sheldon: I'm not allowed to. It's not addressed to me.
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: The U.S. Postal Service is a government agency. Mail is protected by federal law.
Missy: I'll read it.
Sheldon: Don't. If you do, I'll be an accessory to the crime.

Missy: What's the problem?
Sheldon: My childhood is ending.
Missy: So?
Sheldon: Look at everyone around us... they're all miserable. Mom and Dad are unemployed. They're constantly fighting. Georgie's having a child.
Missy: First of all, no one's having a kid with you, ever.
Sheldon: Don't be so sure. With this intellect, my genetic material will be a hot commodity. [Missy groans] That's how I feel.