George Sr.: Look. I know you don't respect what I do as a coach.
Sheldon: Maybe you do know me.
George Sr.: But this is a thing I actually know about. I've seen it happen to my players. I've seen it happen to pros in golf. In baseball. The answer is always the same. Stop thinking and get out of your own way.
Sheldon: I don't know how to do that.
George Sr.: Have you ever heard the Nike slogan "Just do it"?
Sheldon: I'm familiar with the phrase "let's do it," uttered by Gary Gilmore, the last person to be executed by firing squad in America.
George Sr.: Okay, well, it's a shoe slogan. And it's good advice. The answer is already in your head. Don't think so hard. Just do it.
Sheldon: I'll try.
George Sr.: Good man.

Adult Sheldon: Of all the tests one takes in school, my favorite was the midterm. Finals weren't bad, but they also meant summer was approaching. I don't believe in religion, but sunshine, picnics and pool parties are proof hell exists.

Sheldon: Missy! You gave me your yips.
Missy: What?
Sheldon: I froze on a test. That's never happened before. It's all your fault.
Missy: I told you it's not contagious.
Sheldon: You put the thought in my head. The power of suggestion is very real. Case in point: tulip mania.
Missy: Here we go.
Sheldon: Tulip mania was an insane desire to buy and trade tulip bulbs in the 1600s. It nearly ruined the Dutch economy. You would not believe the gilders they were spending.

Sheldon: I can't remember what the zeroes of the Bessel function are.
Dr. Linkletter: You didn't memorize them?
Sheldon: Of course I did... October 7th, 1988. I had just had a bowl of Teddy Grahams.
Dr. Linkletter: Then what's the problem?
Sheldon: I'm blanking, but I'll get it.
Dr. Linkletter: Sorry, son, class is over.
Sheldon: No, I can do this.
Dr. Linkletter: It's just one question. You'll still pass.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper doesn't "just pass."
Dr. Linkletter: I have an idea. Let me see the test. [Sheldon hands him the test] Thank you.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper isn't always that gullible.
Dr. Linkletter: He was today.

Dr. Linkletter: All right, Sheldon, time to turn in your test.
Sheldon: I'm not done yet.
Dr. Linkletter: [sighs] I know you like to add your own "better questions" at the end, but for the last time, I don't count them.
Sheldon: I just need a few more minutes on this problem.
Dr. Linkletter: That's an easy one. Just apply the zeroes of the Bessel function.
Sheldon: I know what I have to do.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this is a tantrum? I've heard children your age like to throw them.

George Sr.: Hey. [Sheldon groans] What's your problem?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
George Sr.: Great.
Sheldon: I had a mental block on a test and it was something that I absolutely know how to do.
George Sr.: Oh, you know, that sort of thing happens in sports, too.
Sheldon: I know. It's called the yips, and it's a very silly name for a very serious problem.
George Sr.: Well, you know, the best thing to do is get out of your head.
Sheldon: How do I do that?
George Sr.: Just turn your brain off.
Sheldon: It's like I'm not even your son.

Missy: How can you remember this stupid information, but not the stuff on your test?
Sheldon: You tell me, they're your yips.
Missy: Sheldon, if I knew how to make it stop, I would tell you.
Sheldon: You better.
Missy: Maybe it's puberty making you all emotional.
Sheldon: I checked my armpits... Smooth as balloons. [Missy groans]

Sheldon: Another fun footwear slogan is "I'm Buster Brown. I live in a shoe. That's my dog Tige. Look for him there, too."
George Sr.: Mm, I think mine is more helpful.
Sheldon: Well, mine rhymes, so...

Adult Sheldon: I decided to heed my father's advice. I wasn't sure how to turn off my brain. Thankfully, I lived with an expert.
[Sheldon knocks on the garage door. Georgie opens it]
George Jr.: What's up?
[inside:]
George Jr.: I've never really thought about not thinking before.
Sheldon: Well, I'm asking you to think about it.
George Jr.: But I thought you were interested in not thinking.
Sheldon: I am. I want you to think about not thinking, and then teach me how to do it.
George Jr.: Do what?
Sheldon: Not think.
George Jr.: All right. [silence] This is tough. I'm good at not thinking, but I don't think I can teach you how to not think without thinking.
Sheldon: Hmm, well, thank you for trying.

George Jr.: Hold on! What if you're thinking about something else instead? Would that count as thinking or not thinking?
Sheldon: I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga and it's intended to bring out a single-pointedness of concentration.
George Jr.: Sorry, I zoned out.
Sheldon: Ooh, tell me how.
George Jr.: Let's see. You were blabbering. It all started to blur together. And I was gone.
Sheldon: At what point did it start to happen?
George Jr.: I don't know. Say it again. I said I suppose it's similar to the mantras extolled by the sages of the East. It's a practice that Swami Vivekananda called Japa Yoga... [Sheldon's voice slows down] [Indian traditional music plays] [Georgie imagines Sheldon with a third eye in the middle of his forehead]
George Jr.: That is wild.

George Sr.: All right, almost there. Hand me a screwdriver.
Billy Sparks: Don't stick this in an outlet. It really tingles.
Brenda Sparks: We had an incident.

Dr. Linkletter: All right. You have 45 minutes to complete the test, eyes on your own paper and... [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes, Sheldon, if you finish early, you can take it again. And... begin!
Adult Sheldon: And I was off. I flew through wave functions. I dominated harmonic oscillators. The only challenging part of this exam was trying to balance the desire to finish quickly with the urge to stop and smell my freshly sharpened pencil. [Sheldon sniffs his pencil] Mmm. I was in the zone. Only one question left. All I needed to do was solve Schrodinger's equation in a cylindrical well by employing the zeroes of the Bessel function, which of course were...
Sheldon: Wait, what are they?
Adult Sheldon: Come on, you know this. You've done it a million times.
Sheldon: Oh, dear.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, armed with the sage advice of my father, my brother, and an executed murderer, I was allowed to retake the test.
Dr. Linkletter: You have 45 minutes starting now.
Sheldon: [inner monologue] Okay, just do it. Just do it. Just turn your brain off and do it. Is it off? Am I doing it? Wait, if I'm thinking it's off, then it must still be on. I'm trying too hard. Don't overthink, just do it. Just do it, just...
Dr. Linkletter: Time's up.
Sheldon: But I didn't do it.
Dr. Linkletter: Waste my morning? You did it.

Adult Sheldon: Trying to outsmart my own thought patterns proved to be challenging. It's understandable, as smart as I was, I was also that smart. I wondered if I could invent a mind control device, but that sounded a little too "mwah ha ha" even for me. It turned out the device I was looking for had been in my presence the entire time. Television. It had been tranquilizing the minds of America's youth for generations, and it was just what I needed.
Man: [on TV] Lift off.
Sheldon: Too interesting. [turns to The Three Stooges] Too violent. [turns to game show involving slime] I don't think so.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Now, then, let's build us a little cloud. Clouds are very free. Very, very free. Tell you what. Shoot, that was so much fun, let's get crazy...
Sheldon: Who's this bohemian?

George Sr.: What, Billy won an award?
Brenda Sparks: Participation. Big whoop.
George Sr.: I guess it's something.
Brenda Sparks: Well, he ain't the sharpest pencil in the box, but he's the sweetest kid I know.
George Sr.: Well, Sheldon is the sharpest pencil. Sometimes I'd just like to shove his head in that box.

Sheldon: I thought you were good at this.
Missy: I was. Coach Dale says I have the yips.
Sheldon: [covers mouth] It's not contagious, is it?
Missy: No, it happens in sports. Suddenly you can't do a thing that used to be easy.
Sheldon: It doesn't sound real.
Missy: Then why can't I pitch anymore?
Sheldon: Ooh, perhaps it's the onset of puberty and the hysterical mood swings that go with it.
Missy: Dingus, house.
Sheldon: You're only proving my point.

Principal Petersen: If you could have any job in the high school, what would it be?
George Sr.: [laughs] I don't know, why?
Principal Petersen: Sometimes I look at the janitor pushing around that buffing machine. That thing looks like a blast. He doesn't wear a tie. No fights with the school board. Vomit and feces aside, he's, he's living the dream.

George Sr.: Tell me about your fun bachelor life.
Principal Petersen: Well, as of last week, I officially tasted every Campbell's soup.
George Sr.: [laughing] Come on, Tom. I'm trying to live vicariously here. There's got to be something good.
Principal Petersen: Let's see, I go hunting and fishing whenever I feel like it.
George Sr.: Now we're getting somewhere.
Principal Petersen: Spend my money on whatever I want.
George Sr.: Mm. What was the last thing you got?
Principal Petersen: Foreman fight on pay-per-view. I ate a bucket of chicken and watched it in my underwear.
George Sr.: You lucky bastard.
Principal Petersen: Uh-huh.

Umpire: Strike!
Missy: Yes!
Dale: Aw, don't get all hysterical, little girl!
Missy: You suck!
Dale: You suck!
Missy: No! You suck!
Umpire: Strike!
Dale: I am the leader of the little people.

George Sr.: Hey, pretty lady.
Mary: Are you drinking already?
George Sr.: [laughs] No! Can't a guy give his wife a compliment?
Mary: Do I have to smell your breath?
George Sr.: How about a kiss instead?
Mary: What is with you?
George Sr.: Well, I don't know. Kids aren't home.
Mary: Now? I'm doing laundry.
George Sr.: Laundry can wait.
Mary: So can your thing.
George Sr.: I like to think of it as ourthing, but if you only have time for my thing, that's fine, too.
Mary: You're being weird.
George Sr.: Weird sexy?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: Headed to the bedroom?
Mary: No!
George Sr.: Just checking. [sighs]

Brenda Sparks: Who knew you were so handy?
George Sr.: Yeah. There's just things guys need to be good at.
Brenda Sparks: What else you good at? [water sputters]
George Sr.: I should go.

Mary: Hey, where you been?
George Sr.: Ah, Brenda was having car trouble. Just giving her hand.
Mary: That's nice. I'm sure it's hard being by herself.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah. That whole house is in need of repair.
Mary: I hope you offered to help her out.
George Sr.: I did... she said no.
Mary: Well, that's just her being proud. Of course she wants your help.
George Sr.: [stammers] I guess some time I'll pop over.
Mary: Good. And when you go, hitch up your pants. There's a lot going on when you squat.

Brenda Sparks: That toilet won't stop running.
George Sr.: Have you tried jiggling the handle?
Brenda Sparks: I jiggled it, wiggled it. Damn near had a baby with it.
George Sr.: [chuckles] Yeah, let me take a look.
Brenda Sparks: I was fixing to put some dinner on, if you care to join me.
George Sr.: I don't want to put you out.
Brenda Sparks: It's just frozen lasagna. But I'm going oven instead of microwave, 'cause you're company.

George Sr.: What are you doing?
Brenda Sparks: What do you mean?
George Sr.: [scoffs] You know what I mean.
Brenda Sparks: I was just trying to thank you. And you're the one who offered to come over here and fix things.
George Sr.: I was being nice.
Brenda Sparks: So was I.
George Sr.: Yeah, maybe a little too nice.
Brenda Sparks: There is no pleasing you.
George Sr.: Well, I don't need this here. I can get fighting at my house.
Brenda Sparks: Then maybe you should go back to your house.
Billy Sparks: [o.s.] Mom, can you help with my homework?
Brenda Sparks: There in a sec. [to George] You leaving?
George Sr.: You gonna fix the toilet?
Brenda Sparks: No.
George Sr.: Then I guess I'm not leaving.
Brenda Sparks: Thank you. Lasagna?
George Sr.: Small piece. Mary's making tacos.

George Sr.: Where's your trash?
Brenda Sparks: Everywhere. But the basket's under the sink.
George Sr.: Mm. [exhales] You know your faucet's leaking?
Brenda Sparks: Yep, this whole place is falling apart.
George Sr.: Well... I'll come over another time, and take care of it.
Brenda Sparks: Oh. You know, you don't have to do that. One more?
George Sr.: I should get going.
Brenda Sparks: Well, thanks again. [the door handle comes off in George's hand] Want to buy a house?

George Sr.: Okay, give her a go.
Brenda Sparks: [engine starts] You're a lifesaver.
George Sr.: It's a gift.
Brenda Sparks: Can I offer you a beer and some thank-you cobbler?
George Sr.: Weren't you on your way somewhere?
Brenda Sparks: Weight Watchers. [George laughs] What do you say?
George Sr.: Eh, sure. Do guys ever go to those Weight Watchers meetings?
Brenda Sparks: Yeah, but they're all fat.

Dale: Cooper, what is the problem?
Missy: The ball isn't going where it's supposed to.
Dale: I saw that.
Missy: What am I doing wrong?
Dale: Just a little case of the yips. It happens.
Missy: What's that?
Dale: The yips... you know, it's when you're thinking about stuff in your head and something you've done a million times, you can't do it anymore. Even the pros get it.
Missy: How do I get rid of it?
Dale: Uh, just don't think about it.
Missy: Okay. [sighs]
Dale: Don't think, just throw. [Missy pitches] [crowd groans] I hate the little people.

George Sr.: [chuckles] What about women?
Principal Petersen: [sighs] Honestly... it's tough to meet people at this age.
George Sr.: No, come on, charming fella like you?
Principal Petersen: [scoffs] Sadly, this is the best night out I've had in a long time.
George Sr.: Yeah. Me, too.
Principal Petersen: But if you know anybody, send them my way.
George Sr.: Yeah, I'll think about.
Principal Petersen: You ever eat chicken in your underwear?
George Sr.: What do you think?
Principal Petersen: Yes.
George Sr.: Yes.

Bob Ross: [on TV] Little stand of evergreens that lives right in here.
Missy: I didn't know Richard Simmons can paint.
Sheldon: His name's Bob Ross. And he's oddly hypnotic.
Missy: You're gonna paint?
Sheldon: No, I just like watching him. I can't explain it, but his voice and demeanor are comforting, like a hot beverage.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Let's get crazy and, once again, just pull it out, just like we did the other one.
Missy: Yawn.
Bob Ross: [on TV] Barely touch, whisper. Just whisper-light. Let it go. Let it go. no pressure.

Adult Sheldon: The yips are a cruel mistress. But thanks to a magical man with a halo of curls, I was finally able to relax and get out of my own head. [soft voice] Instead of freezing up, I thought about happy integers, fluffy little formulas and a sweet Bessel function that just wants me to do my very best.
Sheldon: Done.
Dr. Linkletter: Great, I can still make my doubles match. Get out.

Missy: I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Dale: Ah, don't worry about it. It's not your fault.
Missy: It isn't?
Dale: No, I'm the one that let a girl pitch. It's my mistake.
Missy: What? I've won so many games.
Dale: Oh, that was then.
Missy: Why are you being so mean?
Dale: Well, why are you getting so emotional, like women do? Maybe you ought to be a cheerleader.
Missy: You trying to make me mad?
Dale: Is it working?
Missy: Yeah.
Dale: Well, I tell you what, picture my face in the catcher's mitt.

Meemaw: Hey.
Dale: Hey! Came to see your man be a leader of little people, huh?
Meemaw: I came to see my granddaughter pitch.
Dale: Yeah, under my leadership. All right, Cooper, let's see what you got. Come on, girl! [Missy pitches] Come on, shake it off! You got this. [Missy pitches again] What the hell was that?
Meemaw: Well, there's some leadership.

Billy Sparks: What now?
George Sr.: Uh, run outside and turn the water back on.
Billy Sparks: [hands over screwdriver] Here, I'm not allowed to run with this.
Brenda Sparks: We've had a lot of incidents.