Sheldon: And now we see how it helps my science. Hmm. Hmm [groans] Come on, think. Probably needs more "Twinkle, Twinkle."

Pete: Happy Hearth Home Bakeries, this is Pete. How can I help you?
Sheldon: Hello, Pete. My name is Sheldon Cooper, and I would like to know what changed in your white sandwich loaf to make it taste different?

Sheldon: [coughs] I don't feel well.
Mary: What's wrong, baby?
Sheldon: I don't know. I just feel awful.
Mary: Well, there is something going around. Billy Sparks got some kind of bug.
Sheldon: That is consistent with what I said. Good. [weak cough]
Mary: You're staying home today. I'll go make you some tea.

Sheldon: Sorry, Dave. We're living paycheck to paycheck.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Mom? [knocks three times] Dad?
Mary: [o.s.] Yeah, baby? [Sheldon opens his parents' bedroom door]
Sheldon: I'm ready to graduate. Good night. [exits]
George Sr.: That's because I supported him.

Sheldon: Oh, there it is! [waving to the truck] Over here! Over here! This is exciting.
George Jr.: It's somethin'.
Sheldon: [waving to the truck] Thank you! Have a great day!

Mary: What's the matter, baby? Have a tummy ache?
Sheldon: I think it's an ulcer.
George Sr.: Don't be silly. You must have eaten something.
Sheldon: No. My symptoms are consistent with an ulcer.

Professor Boucher: This course is about practical applications. This isn't about fancy theories or what works in a classroom. If a tunnel collapses, the only math that's gonna matter is the body count. [Sheldon raises his hand] You.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper.
Professor Boucher: Son, I'll learn your name if you make it to midterms. Right now, you're just a number to me.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I be number one? That's what Captain Picard calls Commander Riker on Star Trek: Next Generation.
Professor Boucher: You need to listen more and talk less. Is that clear, number one?
Sheldon: Aye, Captain.

Sheldon: Mom, Mom, Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
George Sr.: What's going on?
Sheldon: Dr. Sturgis and Meemaw had their first sleepover. It's a big step in their relationship. I'm going to go congratulate them.
George Sr.: Hey, put on a jacket, it's chilly out.
Sheldon: Will do!
Mary: Or try saying he can't go.
George Sr.: Oh, never mind, you can't go!
Sheldon: The last thing I heard was jacket!

Ms. MacElroy: Where do you think you're going?
Sheldon: Away from you.
Ms. MacElroy: Why's that?
Sheldon: I want to live.
Ms. MacElroy: I'm not sick. Get back in your seat.
Sheldon: No, thank you.
Ms. MacElroy: You know the rules. You can't leave without a hall pass.
Sheldon: May I have a hall pass?
Ms. MacElroy: No, you may not. Now get back in your seat.

Sheldon: Excuse me, if I had an exposé that's going to rip the lid off this university's leadership and shine a light on its rotten core, who would I turn that in to?
Clark: You can give it to me.
Sheldon: I'd feel more comfortable giving it to someone who's less likely to roll it up and smoke it.
Clark: Well, I'm the editor, so it's me or nothing.
Sheldon: Very well. I'm handing you the scoop of a lifetime.
Clark: Okay.
Sheldon: As your people say, I think you'll dig it.

Mary: Sheldon, I didn't change anything. Can I get back to work now?
Sheldon: I suppose so.
Mary: Thank you. Bye.
Sheldon: Don't I get an "I love you"?
Mary: I love you.
Sheldon: One more time, with a little more energy. [dial tone] Must've been disconnected.

Dr. John Sturgis: But we haven't cut open the pineapple yet.
Mary: You boys go ahead. We'll eat the pineapple another time.
Sheldon: But we haven't had a chance to talk about science.
George Sr.: Ooh, can Sheldon come?
Sheldon: Can I?
Mary: No.
Sheldon & John: Aw.

George Sr.: Y-Your mom's at church. W-What do you want for dinner?
Sheldon: I believe you know what I want for dinner.
George Sr.: Is that right?
Sheldon: It's Thursday. What does Mom always make me on Thursdays?
George Sr.: Spaghetti and hot dogs?
Sheldon: [to the camera] Socrates. Got to love him.

Sheldon: Maybe we should go to the emergency room.
Missy: It's just a pimple. Pop it.
Sheldon: No.
Missy: I'll do it. I like when it hits the mirror. Now hold still.
[fantasy: A.V. and Pus are now standing, with no chair or stool in sight:]
A.V.: It seems we've reached the end of our time with Sheldon. [Pus is holding two suitcases] But it's never truly goodbye. We'll be back in moments of stress. Like a big test. Or my personal favorite, school picture day... [they disappear in an explosion of yellow pus, leaving the two suitcases]

Sheldon: Why did your mom make you?
Paige: Punishment. I got caught with cigarettes.
Sheldon: Why would you want to smoke?
Paige: To look older.
Sheldon: My meemaw smokes. I guess it works.

Sheldon: One interpretation would be, if I was standing at the event horizon, I could interact with my own twin.
Missy: I've interacted with you. It's not great.
Sheldon: I think if there were two of me, we'd be unstoppable.
[fantasy:]
Sheldon #1: So, if we add the information entropy, we'll get the result we're looking for.
Sheldon #2: That's brilliant.
Sheldon #1: I had a feeling you'd like it.
Sheldon #2: That's what the back of my head looks like. Nice.
Sheldon #1: Hmm. We'll call it the Cooper-Cooper Theorem.
Sheldon #2: Perfect. Wait, which Cooper comes first?
Sheldon #1: This Cooper.
Sheldon #2: Why you?
Sheldon #1: I'm the original. You're just my twin.
Sheldon #2: Don't say it like you're better than me. We're exactly the same.
Sheldon #1: I don't appreciate your condescending tone.
Sheldon #2: It's your tone. We're the same person.
Sheldon #1: If we're the same person, why are you so annoying?
Sheldon #2: Stop it.
Sheldon #1: You stop it.
Sheldon #2: What are you gonna do about it?
Sheldon #1: I don't know, I've never been in a fight before.
Sheldon #2: Well, you're about to be.
[reality:]
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. Are you done?
Missy: Not even close. Then Sheldon One grabs Sheldon Two...

Sheldon: Wednesday morning, the Nobel Prize winners are going to be announced in Sweden, and we'll hear it as it's happening.
Dr. John Sturgis: Well, 2.8 milliseconds later.
Sheldon: Sure, because of the propagation.

Dr. Hodges: Anything else?
Sheldon: Yes. I'd like a glass of water. It's time to take my Zantac.

Sheldon: Starting today, I'm done helping the football team.
Tam: But if you do that, girls will no longer greet me like this. [head
Sheldon: I'll greet you like that.
Tam: It's not the same.