Mary: In the name of Jesus, I place a hedge of protection around this house and my family. I command this storm to skip over our home in Jesus' name. I wish peace to every single person in this room and declare that not one of us will get hurt in this storm, in Jesus' name!

Mary: Lord, look after my son. Don't let him get stuffed in a gym bag.

Mary: I hate to say it, but I think we need help with this.
George Sr.: Like what?
Mary: Maybe we could take him to that nice doctor who calmed him down when he was convinced he had an enlarged prostate?
George Sr.: Sheldon only calmed down when the doctor told him what happens in a prostate exam.
Mary: Poor thing. Still talks about it.

Mary: I pray that you protect Sheldon in all that he does.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: I'm praying for you.
Sheldon: She needs it more than I do.
Mary: You think I didn't start with her?

Mary: Will someone please tell me what happened?
George Jr.: Okay, me and Meemaw were in the bar at the track.
Mary: You took him to a bar?
Meemaw: He wasn't drinking.
George Jr.: She had a few too many margaritas, so I drove us home.
Mary: But you don't have a license.
George Jr.: That's why we swapped places after the cop pulled us over.
Mary: Oh, dear Lord.
George Sr.: I had nothing to do with this part.
Mary: Shut up.
George Sr.: Will do.

Pastor Jeff: Mary, you understand these people are atheists.
Mary: I get it. They're not my people. You're my people.
Pastor Jeff: Then what's this all about?
Mary: My son just wanted a better sandwich. Why is this so hard for y'all to understand?!

Meemaw: Smart.
Mary: Thank you.
Meemaw: You're good at lying. You should do it more often.
Mary: I like your earrings.

Sheldon: My mother believes I'm mentally unstable. And since there's a genetic component and I'm her child, I suppose it's possible.
Mary: I know you're angry right now, but you will not be disrespectful.
Sheldon: You know, fits of rage are a classic sign of psychosis.
Mary: Oh, you haven't seen fits of rage yet!

George Jr.: Ready to go?
Missy: Yep.
Mary: Go where?
Missy: The mall.
Mary: What happened to asking for permission?
Missy: I asked Dad.
Mary: You know that doesn't count.
Missy: That's what he said.

George Jr.: So how many times have you seen Road House?
Mary: Sorry, can't hear you.
George Jr.: More or less than five? 'Cause that'show many times I've seen it.
Mary: That's how many years you're gonna be grounded if you don't drop it right now.
George Jr.: Does Dad know you like this movie?
Mary: [vacuum stops] No, and it is gonna stay that way.
George Jr.: Why?
Mary: Because it is not something I should be watching.
George Jr.: Then why are you watching it?
Mary: It is a guilty pleasure, so will you drop it now?
George Jr.: Relax. I ain't gonna tell nobody.
Mary: Thank you.
George Jr.: I think it's awesome you like it.
Mary: It is pretty cool how Dalton doesn't drive his Mercedes to the bar 'cause he knows they're gonna trash it.
George Jr.: Dalton's no dummy.
Mary: No, sir.

George Jr.: How awesome was it when he fights those four guys at once?
Mary: They were asking for it. Dalton doesn't fight unless he has to.
George Jr.: True, 'cause when the doctor says, "How many of these fights you win?" he says...
Both: Nobody ever wins in a fight. [both laugh]
Mary: Mm, and I like how smart he is. But doesn't feel like he has to show it off.
George Jr.: No kidding. Maybe Sheldon should watch it.
Mary: Hey, what was Dalton's third rule of being a good bouncer?
George Jr.: Be nice.
Mary: That's right.

Missy: And at lunch, an eighth-grade boy said, and I quote, "I like Funyuns, too."
Mary: Wow.
Missy: I know.

Meemaw: Thanks for inviting John to dinner tonight.
Mary: Oh, my pleasure.
Meemaw: I've been a little bit worried about him. You know, with what happened last time.
Mary: At least he didn't seem unstable when I talked to him.
Meemaw: The man has a doctorate in science, and he's filling people's grocery bags.
Mary: He actually did a really nice job. He put the heavy things on the bottom. He kept the cold things together.
Meemaw: Mary.
Mary: Well, they don't always do that.

Mary: We're hiring a youth pastor.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: To help get young kids excited about God.
Missy: The same God who lets babies get thrown in rivers?
Mary: What?
Sheldon: We covered Moses in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well, that was Old Testament God. He gets more fun later.

George Sr.: Kids in bed?
Mary: Not all of 'em.
George Sr.: Mary, if we let Georgie stay here, we're just makin' this all too easy for him.
Mary: I don't want to fight. I just want to know that our son is okay.
George Sr.: He's fine. He's stayin' at your mom's.
Mary: [sighs] Well, that's something. Although, where does she get off thinking that it's a good idea for him to drop out of school and then lettin' him live with her after he does it.
George Sr.: That's what I said.
Mary: Good! Maybe they'll learn to mind their own business!
Sheldon: [enters] Will you please stop fighting?
Mary: Oh, no. Sweetie, no, we're not fighting. We're just agreeing with each other angrily.

Pastor Rob: Yeah, people have had some strong feelings, but I think if they heard us out, they'd see we're not putting impure thoughts in anyone's heads. Right, Mary?
Mary: No. I mean, I mean, yes, we're not. I mean, if we're upsetting people, we should just back off.
Pastor Jeff: Exactly. The talk is off. I never want to talk about the talk again.
Mary: Hallelujah.
Pastor Jeff: If you'll excuse me, I have 14 phone calls to return.
Pastor Rob: Well, sorry this didn't work out.
Mary: It's probably for the best. [inner monologue] Do not look at his butt. Do not look. Okay, do not look again.

George Sr.: Sales is a tough racket, Mare.
George Jr.: Yeah. It ain't as easy as I make it look.
Mary: Well, I think I'd be good at it.
George Jr.: You sure? Sometimes you got to do a little fibbin'.
Mary: I would do it without that.
George Jr.: And you got to have people skills.
Mary: I have people skills.
George Jr.: Do you?
Mary: I'd like to throw my dinner roll at your head right now, but you don't see me doing it.

Mary: Oh, I know that you're hurting, and... I'm here for you, so... what do you need?
Meemaw: Great, take me drinking.
Mary: It is 3:30 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Yes, it's called happy hour.
Mary: I have to make dinner.
Meemaw: Oh, fine. I'll just be sad and drunk by myself. Maybe I'll go home with the bartender.
Mary: Missy! I have to go out with your meemaw, but I'll be back later with KFC.

Mary: Let's just eat.
Sheldon: Without praying?
Mary: [chuckles] How silly of me.
George Sr.: You all right?
Meemaw: Well, she's had a whole beer, so who knows.
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary: Can we just pray? [sighs] Bless us Lord for the food we are about to receive and bless the hands that prepared it. And forgive me for that beer. My mother made me do it. Amen.
Meemaw: Snitch.

George Sr.: You ever stop to think maybe she doesn't want to marry a 17-year-old?
Mary: He'll be 18 in March.
George Sr.: All right, you're just being ridiculous. [goes back inside]
Mary: I'm being a Christian.
[After Mary walks over and knocks on the garage door, a dozy Georgie opens it]
Mary: When you were born, you were a gift from God but that does not change the fact that I am very mad at you!
George Jr.: All right. [closes door]