Meemaw: What a haul, huh?!
George Jr.: Amazing. Now what happens?
Meemaw: I take it home, pour it on the bed, and just roll around in it.
George Jr.: What about me?
Meemaw: You just go home.
George Jr.: No. We're partners.
Meemaw: First of all, we're not partners, and second... Actually, "not partners" covers it all pretty well.

Sheldon: [knocks on door] Missy, I know you're upset. Would you like a hot beverage?
Missy: [o.s.] Go away.
Adult Sheldon: Every culture has their taboos. In the Ukraine, it's rude to whistle indoors, and they're correct. Not a fan. In our society, any discussion of human reproduction seems to be so upsetting, it causes nothing but chaos. Lost jobs. Lost friends. Sleepless nights. Even the word "sex" provokes an uncomfortable reaction. I thought "fornicate" might work, but that seemed too judgy. Then I found the perfect word, a word so bland and clinical that it would be impossible to take offense to it.
Sheldon: "Coitus." That'll work.

Sheldon: And then Missy said it was embarrassing to talk to our mother about reproduction.
Dr. John Sturgis: Interesting, yet the two of you are living proof she has at least a working knowledge of the subject.
Sheldon: That's what I said, then Missy said something's wrong with me.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I think you're as normal as I am.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. John Sturgis: Although, I have been called an odd duck and, one time, a quirky turkey.
Sheldon: Those people were probably jealous.

Meemaw: How much did Dale pay you?
George Jr.: Uh, minimum wage plus five percent commission.
Meemaw: I'll give you half of that.
George Jr.: So, two and a half percent commission?
Meemaw: No, half of the minimum wage part.
George Jr.: What about a percentage of these?
Meemaw: [laughs] Yeah, right.
George Jr.: I'm serious. If it wasn't for me, none of this would be happening.
Meemaw: I'm your grandmother. If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be happening.

Meemaw: I'll tell you what, we're in the gambling business, why don't we gamble for it?
George Jr.: Okay.
Meemaw: Great. The number I'm thinking of in my head... is it odd or even?
George Jr.: How dumb do you think I am?
Meemaw: In my defense, you used to be dumber.

Missy: I don't have any questions. I'm good. Can we be done now?
Mary: So, you'll ask Pastor Rob, but you won't ask me?
Missy: I didn't ask you 'cause I know what you'll say.
Mary: You don't know what I'm gonna say.
Missy: "It's a sin." "You're too young." "Wait till marriage."
Mary: Well, it is, you are, and you should.

Mary: So, you two are both growing up, and I thought that maybe it might be time to have a talk about... that and some of the things that go along with... that.
Missy: [whispers] What is happening?
Sheldon: I think she's trying to have the human reproduction talk.
Missy: Oh, God.
Mary: Uh, speaking of God, He is very clear about the do's and the don'ts, especially the don'ts.
Missy: I'm not talking about this with you.
Sheldon: I don't think you'll have any new information for me, but I'm happy to chime in with biology facts.

Meemaw: How we doing?
George Jr.: There's a problem with the cash box.
Meemaw: Oh, what's that?
George Jr.: I can't get it to close.
Meemaw: That is my kind of problem.

George Jr.: Fine. Good luck laundering this money without me.
Meemaw: You know how to do that?
George Jr.: I've seen Scarface, like, ten times.
Meemaw: Great. I'll just watch Scarface.
George Jr.: Dang it.

Meemaw: Oh! Don't take all my money! I'm just a Texas grandma trying to make people happy. [laughs]

Mary: [enters] Pastor Jeff, you wanted to see me... Oh. Hello.
Pastor Rob: Looks like we both got called to the principal's office. Guess we've been naughty.
Mary: [laughing] That's not a thing.
Pastor Jeff: You okay?
Mary: Yeah, I just didn't sleep too good.
Pastor Jeff: Well, I didn't either. My phone was ringing off the hook. Apparently, this little talk y'all were planning on giving is causing quite the tizzy.
Pastor Rob: A good tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: There's no such thing as a good tizzy. There's only bad tizzies.
Pastor Rob: You know who wasn't afraid of causing a tizzy?
Pastor Jeff: Yeah, yeah, Jesus, but He didn't get 14 messages from angry parents on his answering machine. There was probably more, but that little tape got full.

Pastor Rob: Yeah, people have had some strong feelings, but I think if they heard us out, they'd see we're not putting impure thoughts in anyone's heads. Right, Mary?
Mary: No. I mean, I mean, yes, we're not. I mean, if we're upsetting people, we should just back off.
Pastor Jeff: Exactly. The talk is off. I never want to talk about the talk again.
Mary: Hallelujah.
Pastor Jeff: If you'll excuse me, I have 14 phone calls to return.
Pastor Rob: Well, sorry this didn't work out.
Mary: It's probably for the best. [inner monologue] Do not look at his butt. Do not look. Okay, do not look again.

Dr. John Sturgis: You know, there's some science to indicate that adolescents process embarrassment with a different part of their brain than adults do.
Sheldon: Really? So maybe Missy's right, and I'm an outlier.
Dr. John Sturgis: Perhaps. Let's increase our sample size. Andy, would you feel embarrassed talking about sexual intercourse with your mother?
Andy: Uh...
Sheldon: Stammering, red-faced. He does seem embarrassed.
Dr. John Sturgis: Although, he may just be embarrassed by the subject in general. How would you feel discussing it with a co-worker? Say- Say me, for example.
[cut to Dr. Sturgis handing his apron in to his manager]
[cut to Dr. Sturgis on his bicycle outside the store with Sheldon:]
Dr. John Sturgis: And now we know conversations like that can cost you your job.
Sheldon: You learn something new every day.

Mary: Actually, um... I might have overstepped yesterday. In fact, I... think there might be some value in the kids hearing some of these things from people other than their parents.
Pastor Rob: Great. [chuckles] Hey, maybe it's something you and I could do together?
Mary: Oh, no, no, no, this was your idea.
Pastor Rob: Yeah, but you've got way more experience. With kids, I mean.
Mary: [chuckles] I know what you meant.
Pastor Rob: [chuckles] Plus, it would be great for them to hear from a woman. So, either you or Peg, so...
Mary: Oh. I want to scare them, but not that much.

[As Missy sits on her bed, writing in her diary and listening to music, she is startled as she looks up and sees Sheldon stood outside her window.]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Making sure you don't run away.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Because that's what happened the last time you and Mom fought.
Missy: [opens window] I'm not going anywhere. Now, get out of here, creepo.
Sheldon: Why did you get so mad at Mom?
Missy: I don't want to talk to her about that stuff. It's so embarrassing.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: If you have to ask, then something's wrong with you.
Sheldon: But the topic was procreation, and she clearly has procreated.
Missy: Ew.

Sheldon: You can't be too young if you're an aphid, some of them are born pregnant.
Missy: [to Mary] I didn't do anything wrong. I just asked some questions.
Mary: Well, you can ask me.
Missy: I'm not asking you anything, ever. [storms out]
Sheldon: It's just her hormones. Would you like to learn more? When children reach adolescence, a cascade of hormones are released...

Mary: Why don't you two have a seat.
Missy: In here? Did somebody die?
Mary: No, I just want to talk to you.
Missy: They're getting divorced.
Sheldon: At least they waited until one of us was in college.
Mary: We are not getting a divorce. Just sit.

George Jr.: How about this: no hourly wage, just a cut.
Meemaw: What kind of cut you thinking?
George Jr.: Five percent.
Meemaw: Three percent.
George Jr.: Five.
Meemaw: Three.
George Jr.: You're supposed to go in the middle and say four.
Meemaw: Why don't you say four?
George Jr.: Fine, four.
Meemaw: Two.
George Jr.: Come on.

Meemaw: Fine. You can be my assistant manager.
George Jr.: Oh, I like the sound of that.
Meemaw: So, it's a deal?
George Jr.: Well, hold on, how much you gonna pay me?
Meemaw: Did I mention that assistant manager comes with a spiffy nametag?
George Jr.: Does it also come with a spiffy paycheck?

Mary: Missy was asking about sex.
George Sr.: What? You don't think that she's...
Mary: No. But she's clearly interested in the topic.
George Sr.: That's it... she's grounded till she's 21.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: Well, maybe it's good this pastor wants to talk about it. I sure as hell don't.
Mary: [scoffs] You're unbelievable.
George Sr.: I had to do it with Georgie, and it was a disaster.
Mary: Well, here is a chance to do it right.
George Sr.: I have two words for you: not it.

George Jr.: So what's my title here? Manager? Supervisor?
Meemaw: Your title is "grandson who can go home now."
George Jr.: What are you talking about? We're in this together.
Meemaw: I'm sorry, did you buy these machines?
George Jr.: No, but it was my idea how to get them up and running again.
Meemaw: And thank you. Now, go home before I tell your mother you want to work in a secret casino.
George Jr.: Oh, yeah? Maybe I should tell her you own a secret casino.
Meemaw: Is that the way you want to play this?
George Jr.: Yeah, it is.

Pastor Rob: I just think this is our chance to get in first before they learn it on TV.
Pastor Jeff: That is true. I flipped past MTV the other night, and a song was on called... [quietly] "I Wanna Sex You Up."
Mary: What does that even mean?
Pastor Jeff: I turned it off before the young man could clarify.
Peg: Well, if you ask me, I think it means he wants to...
Mary: No one asked you.

Mary: You really think that's an appropriate topic for kids their age?
Pastor Jeff: Well, they seem to have a lot of questions about... S-E-X.
Peg: Sex, sex, sex. Get over it.
Mary: I just think that's a subject best left up to the parents.
Pastor Rob: Glad you feel that way, because it was your daughter who had the most questions.
Peg: [laughs]

Pastor Rob: I'm thinking it might be a good idea if we gave the kids a talk about the facts of life.
Pastor Jeff: You mean like, S-E-X?
Peg: Who are you spelling that for?
Pastor Jeff: G-O-D.

Missy: So boyfriends and girlfriends are okay?
Pastor Rob: The way I see it, God is love, so if we love someone else in a committed relationship, we're feeling God.
Missy: So, holding hands is okay?
Pastor Rob: Sure.
Missy: What about kissing?
Pastor Rob: Maybe at some point, when you're older.
Missy: And what exactly is third base?

Adult Sheldon: When children reach adolescence, a cascade of hormones are released... causing mood swings, impulsive behavior and an unbelievable amount of eye rolling.
George Sr.: [cheers] I knew it. [Missy rolls her eyes]
Adult Sheldon: During this time of change, members of the opposite sex who caught my sister's fancy included: New Kids on the Block, Rufio from the movie Hook, and, oddly enough, our new Sunday school teacher, Pastor Rob.
Missy: Was Mary Magdalene Jesus's girlfriend?
Pastor Rob: No, just one of his followers. Yeah, Jesus didn't have a girlfriend.
Missy: Do you have a girlfriend?
Pastor Rob: No. No, I don't.
Billy Sparks: I don't have a girlfriend either.
Pastor Rob: All right. You and me, Billy, couple of bachelors.

Missy: [to Pastor Rob] Are you allowed to have a girlfriend?
Sheldon: In the Baptist church, yes.
Pastor Rob: Pastor Jeff is married.
Sheldon: And was married before, so he's had two wives, but not at the same time, that's not allowed.
Pastor Rob: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: At least not anymore. In the Old Testament, Abraham had two, Jacob had four, and Solomon had 1,000, but those were largely for political alliances.
Pastor Rob: Fun fact: only 700 of those were wives. The other were concubines.
Sheldon: I wouldn't count on the Bible for facts, but that was fun.

Meemaw: What kind of contribution are we talking?
Jake: [inhales] Well, that's up to you. Oh, I understand that somewhere between 9 and 11% is popular.
Meemaw: Ten percent?
Jake: [chuckles] If you insist.
Meemaw: How about three?
Jake: Three what? Three counts of illegal gambling? Three years in jail?
[cut to:]
Meemaw: I'm paying you in quarters.

Jake: I've heard that in cash businesses such as this, that some owners can benefit by having a strong relationship with their local police department.
Meemaw: What are you getting at?
Jake: I'm just wondering if there's something you can do to incur good will.
Meemaw: Are you shaking me down?
Jake: No.
Meemaw: Are you hitting on me?
Jake: No! Uh... I'm just saying I've heard some business owners like to invest in local law enforcement.
Meemaw: You are shaking me down.
Jake: It's a gray area.

[dream sequence:]
Mary: Why are you in my bed?
Pastor Rob: Why are you?
Mary: This is wrong.
Pastor Rob: Does it feel wrong?
Mary: No.
Pastor Rob: Mary Cooper, I want to sex you up.
Mary: I would like that very much.
[Mary gasps as she wakes up]
George Sr.: Everything okay?
Mary: Yeah, I just, um... I had a weird dream.
George Sr.: Must've been a doozy. You're all sweaty.

George Jr.: Here you go. Ooh, sweet bear. I'll give you 20 bucks for it.

Pastor Rob: Actually, this is great. You can tell the kids how you waited till marriage. I think it'll be really powerful for them to hear your story.
Mary: Uh-huh, right, right. Right.
Pastor Rob: Something seems not right.
Mary: Um, it's just, um... [chuckles] I didn't wait all the way until marriage.
Pastor Rob: Hey, none of my business.
Mary: Thank you.
Pastor Rob: But I appreciate the honesty. [silence] Well, this just got a little awkward.
Mary: Yup. Yeah. [laughs]
Pastor Rob: All right, have a good one.
Mary: Okay. Oh... [stammers]

Mary: I think First Corinthians 7:2 is actually a pretty good place to start. "Each man should have relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband."
Pastor Rob: Yeah, I'm just not sure quoting scripture is the most exciting way to engage.
Mary: I was going more for guilt and fear.
Pastor Rob: Well, those are classics for a reason. I just think that if we make the fruit too forbidden, someone might want to sneak a bite.
Mary: They look up to you. If you say that abstinence is the way to go, they'll listen.
Pastor Rob: Well, abstinence is important. But I also believe in honesty, and abstinence wasn't my journey.
Mary: Oh. Well, that's none of my business.
Pastor Rob: That's okay. I'm not saying I'm proud of everything I've done, but, you know, I was young, the mustache was just coming in...
Mary: You could stop right there.
Pastor Rob: Look, all I'm saying is, I was a little wild, but it's all part of what led me to the Lord.
Mary: That is good to hear.

Meemaw: So, you're gonna give us your ticket, and we're gonna give you the teddy bear.
Wade: Why would I want a teddy bear?
George Jr.: 'Cause then we're gonna buy the teddy bear back.
Wade: But I said I don't want a teddy bear. I want cash.
Meemaw: You're gonna get the cash.
Wade: Then why do you keep talking about a teddy bear?
George Jr.: 'Cause this way it ain't gambling.
Wade: But I want to gamble.
George Jr.: Well, gambling's illegal. This is a gray area.
Meemaw: Just give him the cash.
George Jr.: No, he's gonna get this.
Meemaw: I don't think he is.
Wade: Listen to your Meemaw. I don't get it.
George Jr.: Just give me your ticket. [takes ticket from Wade and gives him a teddy bear] Wow. That is a nice teddy bear. I'd like to buy that from you. [takes teddy bear and gives Wade cash] [Wade walks away]
Meemaw: I don't think he got it.

Pastor Rob: So, you'll do it?
Mary: Okay.
Pastor Rob: I'll tell Pastor Jeff. I like watching his face get all red when I mention S-E-X. [Mary chuckles] Hey, yours does, too. [Mary chuckles]

Pastor Rob: See? Even we have questions. Why wouldn't the kids? I think they deserve honest answers.
Mary: You seem to know a lot about children for someone who has none of their own.
Peg: [imitates cat growling]

Jake: Hey, there, Connie.
Meemaw: What do you want?
Jake: Is that any way to greet an officer of the law?
Meemaw: Sorry. What do you want?
Jake: I hear you're back in business.
Meemaw: We're not breaking any laws. [chuckles] People are just winning these prizes.
Jake: That you buy back for cash.
Meemaw: It's a gray area.

Mary: My little angel.
[dream sequence:]
Pastor Jeff: Do you, Pastor Rob, take Melissa Cooper to be your wife?
Pastor Rob: Heck yeah.
Pastor Jeff: And do you, Melissa Cooper, take Pastor Rob to be your husband?
Missy: I totally do.
Pastor Rob: I hereby pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Youth Pastor Rob. You may now take the bride to Six Flags.
Missy and Rob: Yay!

George Sr.: Everything okay?
Missy: No.
George Sr.: What's wrong?
Missy: Everyone's parents are upset about the sex talk Mom wants to give, and all my friends are all blaming me.
George Sr.: What? This wasn't your fault.
Missy: That didn't stop Marjorie Jones from taking my seat at the lunch table, and I also got uninvited from two birthday parties.
Sheldon: That's silly. All you did was ask questions.
Missy: And it's ruining my life. I'm never talking about sex ever again.
George Sr.: Well, all right.