Professor Ericson: So we learned that the theory of knowledge poses some very serious problems.
Sheldon: [enters] Excuse me, Professor Ericson. I've done a little reading since last we spoke, and I'm prepared to show you that everything we know about science is true.
Professor Ericson: Well, I am all ears.
Sheldon: You said I couldn't truly know anything, but there is one thing that I do know. If I question, I must think; If I think, I must exist. Cogito, ergo sum: I think, therefore I am.
Professor Ericson: You're right.
Sheldon: You're darn right I'm right.
Professor Ericson: Guys, g-give it up for Sheldon. [applause] Now for a job well done... here is a flower full of sweet nectar.
Sheldon: Why would I want that?
Professor Ericson: Because you're a butterfly and this is just your dream.
Sheldon: I'm not a butterfly.
Professor Ericson: Are you sure? [laughs]
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: It was a dream. Oh, no. [camera pans out] Help! I'm a butterfly! Nothing I know is real! Everything is a dream! Missy, help! [Missy holds a fly swatter] No!
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: Missy, am I awake or is this a dream?
Missy: Shut up, dingus.
Sheldon: Okay, I'm awake.

Mary: Hey, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: She didn't want you to walk her in?
Mary: No. How about Billy?
Brenda Sparks: Oh, I walked him in. Found his homeroom. Explained that "homeroom" is different than his room at home. Still not sure he gets it.
Mary: Tough day.
Brenda Sparks: Yeah.
Mary: You want to get some coffee?
Brenda Sparks: I was thinking vodka, but coffee will do.

Sheldon: I stopped at the library today and picked up books on epistemology, Descartes's dream argument and the foundations of scientific logic. Do you know what she's going to do?
Meemaw: Rue the day?
Sheldon: The day, the night. If it's rue-able, she's going to rue it.

Pastor Jeff: Dear Heavenly Father, as we return to school, we look to your eternal...
Billy Sparks: [stands] I pledge allegiance to the...
Pastor Jeff: Billy, it's not the pledge.

Professor Ericson: Mr. Cooper, welcome. How can I help you?
Sheldon: I would like to drop your class.
Professor Ericson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I enjoyed our discussion about skepticism. And butterflies.
Sheldon: I'm a scientist, and I don't find those types of questions worth my time. And butterflies are just worms that can chase you.
Professor Ericson: [laughs] The questions of philosophy are extremely challenging. People have spent 2,000-plus years trying to solve them without success. So if you feel like giving up, I don't blame you.
Sheldon: I'm not giving up. I'm saying they're not important.
Professor Ericson: Okay, so what is important?
Sheldon: The acquisition of factual knowledge.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know if something is factual?
Sheldon: You test it and see if it holds true.
Professor Ericson: And how do you know that that's factual?
Sheldon: ... You're doing it again.
Professor Ericson: Maybe you're dreaming I'm doing it.

Adult Sheldon: It was past my bedtime, but who could sleep with a page-turner like Meditations on First Philosophy by René Descartes? Descartes was more than just a philosopher. He was also the mathematician who invented the Cartesian plane. If you've ever enjoyed that X squared plus Y squared equals K is a circle, you can say merci beaucoup to Monsieur Descartes.

Brenda Sparks: How did Missy do?
Mary: I think Missy had the best day of her life.
Brenda Sparks: Oh, thank God. Tell me everything.
Mary: Well, in one class she sits between her friends, so the note-passing goes through her.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna get the dirt firsthand. That's huge.
Mary: And then an eighth-grade boy talked to her at lunch.
Brenda Sparks: On the first day?
Mary: Uh-huh.
Brenda Sparks: She's gonna be prom queen. I'm calling it.
Mary: That's fun, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Brenda Sparks: Mary, it'll be a miracle if Billy even makes it to high school. Don't take this away from me.
Mary: Missy is gonna look so cute in that tiara.
Brenda Sparks: Yes, she is.

Mary: How about Billy?
Brenda Sparks: Not much better.
Mary: Oh.
Brenda Sparks: In Spanish class, every time the teacher said "Sí," Billy said, "See what?"
Mary: Oh, Billy.
Brenda Sparks: I know, but if I don't laugh about it I'll cry.
Mary: I'm sorry.

Mary: Hi, Brenda.
Brenda Sparks: I just wanted to see how today went.
Mary: Oh. [goes outside] Not great. Sheldon is already in some sort of fight with his philosophy professor.
Brenda Sparks: About what?
Sheldon: Currently, he's plotting "the destruction of her worldview," whatever that means.
Brenda Sparks: Sounds exciting.
Mary: It's mostly him reading a book and giggling to himself.

Mary: What if we don't turn the TV on at all and we play a board game?
George Jr.: Come on.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: [v.o.] "So that a genealogy of concepts results, in which each one has its definite place."
Mary: Shelly, it's your turn. Shelly?
[Sheldon and Mary are suddenly alone at the table:]
Sheldon: What's happening?
Mary: We're playing a board game.
Sheldon: Before dinner?
Mary: You ate dinner.
Sheldon: Did I like it?
Mary: You said the meat loaf was dry.
Sheldon: That sounds right.

Missy: But I want to watch Fresh Prince.
George Jr.: Too bad. The game is on.
Missy: There's always a game on. Dad?
George Sr.: Sorry, kid, it's the Cowboys.
Missy: But it's the season premiere. Fresh Prince's family gets tickets to the People's Choice Awards. I'm not missing it.

Adult Sheldon: The good name of Lady Science had been besmirched and it was up to me to defend her honor. I had a lot of ground to cover in one night. Thankfully, 11 years of my family's incessant yammering had given me an extraordinary ability to focus.

Missy: And in math class, I sit right between Heather M. and Heather B.
Mary: It's nice you're with your friends.
Missy: It's more than nice. All notes go through me. That's power.

Missy: And at lunch, an eighth-grade boy said, and I quote, "I like Funyuns, too."
Mary: Wow.
Missy: I know.

Sheldon: And then she said, "Maybe you're just dreaming."
Meemaw: Are you gonna drop the class?
Sheldon: Yes, but only after I systematically destroy her half-baked arguments in front of everybody else.
Meemaw: It's good to have goals.

Pastor Jeff: Since everyone is going back to school tomorrow, let's finish up with a back-to-school prayer. [Sheldon raises his hand] What?
Sheldon: Does this prayer just apply to middle school, or is it appropriate for the college-bound?
Pastor Jeff: It's for everyone. But thank you once again for reminding us you're starting college.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't mind. You've got a lot on your plate.
Pastor Jeff: Just pray.

Sheldon: She displayed complete contempt for science. She claimed that knowledge was a myth, and then she told the class they could take their shoes off. Some of them did.
Dr. Linkletter: Luckily we've established you're a mature young man capable of figuring this out on his own, so, go get 'em, sport.
Sheldon: But as a man of science, aren't you offended by this?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, this is a college campus. You come across all sorts. Anarchists, communists, vegans. There's a fella in the religion department that believes God is two women, and their names are Wendy and Claire.
Sheldon: But to say nobody actually knows anything, how could she know that? It's a contradiction.
Dr. Linkletter: How about I blow some bubbles out of a bear's head and we call it a day?
Sheldon: I don't know how I'm going to last all semester with this free wheeling hippy.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know what to tell you. If you're that unhappy, just drop the class.
Sheldon: Of course. Drop the class. This is college. I can do that.
Dr. Linkletter:There you go.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Dr. Linkletter: You're welcome.
Sheldon: From now on, I'm coming to you with all my problems.

Sheldon: Normally I don't like facial hair, but Spock makes it work.

Professor Ericson: Very well, Mr. Cooper, how do you know you're not just dreaming butterflies can't dream?
Sheldon: Because I'm awake.
Professor Ericson: Or are you dreaming you're awake?
Sheldon: You can see I'm awake and you can hear me talking.
Professor Ericson: Yeah... I don't know. I saw some pretty trippy stuff at a Grateful Dead concert. The drummer turned into a tap-dancing walrus and floated away. So we can't really trust our senses, can we?
Sheldon: We can validate them by comparing them with other observers.
Professor Ericson: Mm, but that would mean we have to hear what they say, which requires... trusting our senses. Do you see a problem with your argument, Mr. Cooper?
Sheldon: I could concentrate better if you weren't flashing your toes at me.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Hello?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: I'm watching Star Trek: The Original Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry, I'm not up on my cartoons.
Sheldon: It's not a cartoon. It's a live-action science fiction show. Although there is one called Star Trek: The Animated Series.
Dr. Linkletter: I believe you. I was wondering if I can speak with your mommy.
Sheldon: Sure. Hold on. [shouts] Mom, Dr. Linkletter's on the phone. [on the phone] While we wait, here's a fun fact. In the animated series, Kukulkan was played by James Doohan.
Mary: [on the line] Hello?
Sheldon: James Doohan played Scotty on Star Trek: The Original Series.
Mary: Sheldon, I've got it.
Sheldon: He tried several accents before settling on Scottish.
Mary: Sheldon, hang up.
Sheldon: Okay. He felt the Scots were excellent engineers. Bye.

Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon. How wonderfully early it is to see you. If you've come by for a snack, I picked you up some crackers shaped like fish.
Sheldon: I just wanted to let you know that I don't need you to babysit me. I'm perfectly self-reliant.
Dr. Linkletter: Excellent. I'm not very comfortable around children, even with your level of maturity. How old are you? Six? Seven?
Sheldon: Eleven.
Dr. Linkletter: I see. Then it's good I kept the receipt for this bottle of bubbles shaped like a bear.
Sheldon: I should get going. My philosophy class starts in a few minutes.
Dr. Linkletter: Ah, yes, the great thinkers. Socrates, Plato. Speaking of which, I got you some Play-Doh.

George Jr.: Can I take your truck tomorrow?
George Sr.: Well, I think you're riding with me.
Mary: Sorry, I'm taking Missy to school, and Meemaw's taking Sheldon.
George Jr.: Well, can I at least drive?
George Sr.: Sure.
George Jr.: While you hide in the back under a tarp?
George Sr.: [to Mary] Stop praying for him and focus on the other two.

Meemaw: How was your first day?
Sheldon: Infuriating.
[cut to:]
Mary: How was your first day?
Missy: So good.
[cut to:]
George Sr.: How was your first day? [Georgie is wearing headphones]

Missy: That's the Fresh Prince. He's from West Philadelphia. Born and raised.

Mary: Shelly, you feeling all right?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: How come you're not dressed?
Sheldon: Why should I?
Mary: 'Cause you're gonna be late for school.
Sheldon: I'm not going to school.
Mary: Why not?
Sheldon: Because I don't know what's real.
Mary: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Dreaming and waking, life and death, philosophers and butterflies, they're all the same. Nothing matters.
Mary: That's an interesting way of looking at things. George?

[dream sequence:]
Sheldon: Hello?
Rene Descartes: Bonjour, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Bonjour, René Descartes.
Rene Descartes: Please, sit.
Sheldon: I see you're reading a book on philosophy by Aristotle.
Rene Descartes: I am. And it is garbage! Aristotle is, how you say, a punk! [throws book on the fire]
Sheldon: I'm also having trouble with my philosophy professor.
Rene Descartes: Hmm?
Sheldon: She says that we don't know if science is true.
Rene Descartes: Mon dieu! Without science, we know nothing. No different than the dogs and kitties in the street wandering around in a fog of ignorance with the woofings and the meowings.
Sheldon: So how do I get her to understand that science can form true beliefs about reality as it really is?
Rene Descartes: Ah, young man. You are you asking what is the foundation of knowledge, huh?
Sheldon: Yes.
Rene Descartes: Well, hold on to your chapeau.
Sheldon: I'm not wearing a chapeau.
Rene Descartes: It is just an expression.
Sheldon: Sorry.
Rene Descartes: All knowledge must rest on a foundation that we can never doubt and that is...
[Sheldon wakes up:]
Sheldon: Of course.

Mary: [on the phone] Dr. Linkletter, what can I do for you?
Dr. Linkletter: Hello, Mrs. Cooper. I just wanted to let you know, with Dr. Sturgis away, I'll be available should Sheldon need anything.
Mary: Oh, that is very comforting to know. Thank you so much.
Dr. Linkletter: His well-being is important to me, as was made abundantly clear by my boss.
Mary: Okay, well, we are truly grateful.
Dr. Linkletter: Now, I'm not terribly experienced around children. If he needs to use the restroom, I don't have to go in with him, do I?

Mary: Bless us, Lord, for the food we are about to receive, and bless the hands that prepared it. And with school starting tomorrow, please watch over our children.
Sheldon: Pastor Jeff already covered this.
Mary: He did?
Missy: Yeah, we're good. Amen.
All: Amen.
Mary: Amen.

Missy: My show's only 30 minutes. Yours is three hours.
George Jr.: But yours don't have them cheerleaders jumping up and down.

Mary: I figure you don't want me to walk you in?
Missy: I've trained you well.
Mary: Do you have everything you need? Lunch money?
Missy: Yep.
Mary: Locker combination?
Missy: [pulls down sock] Right here.
Mary: Why is it there?
Missy: Writing on my hand is so fifth grade.
Mary: Of course.
Missy: Okay, I'm gonna go in.
Mary: I assume you don't want a hug?
Missy: Make it quick. [they hug] That's enough.
Mary: Okay.
Missy: Wish me luck.
Mary: Good luck.

George Jr.: [sings] She's my cherry pie Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise Tastes so good, make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pie, yeah.

Adult Sheldon: I've always considered myself a collector of knowledge. My mind is like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But instead of artifacts, it's just facts. [laughs] And now that I was a full-time college student, my collection was about to grow exponentially.
Professor Ericson: Welcome to the world of philosophy. Most college courses are about teaching you things that you don't know. Here, I am going to teach you that you don't even know what you think you know.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.

Professor Ericson: The Chinese philosopher Chuang Tzu believed it was possible he didn't really know anything because he might just be a butterfly dreaming that he was a philosopher. [Sheldon raises his hand] Yeah.
Sheldon: He wasn't a butterfly.
Professor Ericson: Well, how do you know?
Sheldon: The butterfly brain doesn't contain enough neurons to generate a complex dream. Plus, you referred to him as Chinese philosopher Chuang Tzu, and not Chinese butterfly Chuang Tzu.
Professor Ericson: You must be Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Yes, ma'am.

Brenda Sparks: Billy's a sweet kid. But these middle schoolers are gonna eat him alive.
Mary: You don't know that. Maybe they'll be nice.
Brenda Sparks: Boy, if we were in middle school right now, I'd have your head in a toilet so fast.

Mary: If you want, I can ask Missy to hang out with him, make sure things go okay.
Brenda Sparks: Absolutely not.
Mary: Why?
Brenda Sparks: That girl is cute and sassy, and has a real chance at being popular. Do not take that from her. Or me.
Mary: Popularity isn't that important.
Brenda Sparks: It is the most important. Look at us. I'm miserable. You're always worried about something. I'd like one girl around here to win.
Mary: I'm not always worried.
Brenda Sparks: It's Sheldon's first day of college, and you're not freaking out?
Mary: It's on my mind.
Brenda Sparks: Mm.
Mary: But he's been looking forward to this for a long time. I'm sure he's having a wonderful day.

Sheldon: "The statement on the other side of this sign is true."
[Sheldon flips over the sign to read "The statement on the other side of the sign is false."]
Sheldon: Ugh. [knocks]

Mary: Sheldon, good news. Dr. Linkletter was calling to say that while you're at school, if you need anything, you can go to him.
Missy: Starting college and you need a babysitter. That's funny.
Sheldon: I don't need a babysitter.
Mary: Dr. Linkletter is just around in case there's a problem.
George Jr.: Like if he needs a new diaper?
Missy: Ha!
George Sr.: Enough.
Mary: Can we please have a nice dinner?
Missy: We could. But you're the one who wants to eat as a family.
George Sr.: [to Mary] Don't pray for any of 'em.