Adult Sheldon: The following day, I attended my sister's elementary school graduation. She didn't deliver a speech to me, but she did make eye contact while she sang "This Land Is Your Land."
Kids: [sing] From the Redwood Forest To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me...

Adult Sheldon: With only seven minutes until my freshman orientation seminar, I was in a sticky spot. Thankfully, I was armed with an even stickier solution.

Adult Sheldon: I've always considered myself a collector of knowledge. My mind is like the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. But instead of artifacts, it's just facts. [laughs] And now that I was a full-time college student, my collection was about to grow exponentially.
Professor Ericson: Welcome to the world of philosophy. Most college courses are about teaching you things that you don't know. Here, I am going to teach you that you don't even know what you think you know.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.

[David Hasselhoff: Cowboy Aerobics:]
Cowgirl #1: All right, buckaroos, it's time for cowboy aerobics with...
Cowgirl #2: David Hasselhoff!
Cowgirl #1: David Hasselhoff!
David Hasselhoff: Who's ready to rustle up some muscles? [both whoo] Let's saddle up and ride.
Adult Sheldon: Thanks to The Hoff, the video was a smashing success.
David Hasselhoff: Who wants a beach body like the ones on Baywatch? Which I'm also in. Check your local listings.
Adult Sheldon: Unfortunately, Mr. Lundy put all his profits into a musical about his life, entitled: Live, Laugh, Lundy. He is poor to this day.

Adult Sheldon: The next morning, I patiently waited for my father to leave for work.
Sheldon: Are you leaving for work?
George Sr.: Yeah?
Sheldon: [stares intently at George] See you. Bye.
George Sr.: Bye. [exits]
Adult Sheldon: I leapt into action. My heart was pounding. I don't know what kind of bladder control professional spies have, but this first-timer needed to pee pronto.

Adult Sheldon: As long as humans have been on Earth, they've had to contend with viruses. And as long as I've been on Earth, I've come up with fun ways to avoid them.
[flashback:]
Dr. Linkletter: I've heard so much about you. [offers hand]
Sheldon: Apparently not how I feel about shaking hands.
Adult Sheldon: I wear personal protective equipment...
[flashback to Sheldon putting on mittens at the dinner table]
[flashback to Sheldon wearing an astronaut suit in his bubble:]
Mary: You come here right this instant.
Adult Sheldon: ...and I was social distancing before it was cool. But in the early '90s, a new type of virus became prevalent. One that no amount of hand-washing could stop. A computer virus.
Sheldon: Oh, no.
Adult Sheldon: But let's back up and begin this story in a simpler time, before an insidious infection had upended my life.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, Tam showed up with the bootleg copy of Railroad Kingdom. I wore my mittens so as not to leave fingerprints, in case it was ever used as evidence against me. Also, Tam had pulled it out of his gym bag. Ugh. I knew it was wrong, but listen to that seductive theme song.

Adult Sheldon: I was so wrapped up in my game I didn't even know where Tam went.
Tam: [sings along with TV] ♪ The things you say ♪ ♪ Mm, you're unbelievable, oh... ♪
Adult Sheldon: But I didn't care, because I was building my locomotive empire. Little did I know, as I was spreading tracks across North America, a computer virus was spreading itself across my hard drive. Next stop: Infection City.
♪ You're unbelievable... ♪

Man: [on the phone] Hello, you've reached the Tandy Tech Support Hotline.
Sheldon: I need help. I think I have a virus. I was playing this game, and then suddenly...
Man: [on the phone] Current wait time is 28 minutes.
♪ So tie a yellow ribbon... ♪
Adult Sheldon: It wasn't bad enough I had to wait, I also had to listen to rock and roll.

Adult Sheldon: I've never been good at sharing. I had to share a womb...
Missy: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
Sheldon: [over ultrasound video] Ow.
["Rico Suave" by Gerardo playing over headphones]
Adult Sheldon: ...a bedroom...
Missy: ♪ Rico...♪
Adult Sheldon: Even my train room had Georgie's sweaty weight bench in it.
George Jr.: Come on, George. One more. Feel the burn, big boy. Feel the burn.
Adult Sheldon: But when it came to academics, the spotlight was all mine.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, having you here has been a real boon to this university.
Adult Sheldon: [spotlight shines on Sheldon] I did love basking in its glow.
President Hagemeyer: So we could really use your help in raising the school's profile even higher.
Sheldon: Of course. My intellect is at your service.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. There is another young physics prodigy we want you to help us recruit. Her name is Paige Swanson. [electricity crackles]

Adult Sheldon: My sister had gotten into my head, but I needed a more reliable opinion than a magazine that included the Hottest Tips for Pouty Lips.

Adult Sheldon: There were plenty of reasons to be happy my sister moved out. She snored, she teased me. She left her dirty clothes everywhere. Clearly, I was better off without her.
[After Sheldon lays awake looking at the boxes where Missy's bed used to be, he goes and knocks on her bedroom door. Missy opens the door:]
Sheldon: Can I sleep on your floor?
Missy: Come on.

Adult Sheldon: The yips are a cruel mistress. But thanks to a magical man with a halo of curls, I was finally able to relax and get out of my own head. [soft voice] Instead of freezing up, I thought about happy integers, fluffy little formulas and a sweet Bessel function that just wants me to do my very best.
Sheldon: Done.
Dr. Linkletter: Great, I can still make my doubles match. Get out.

Adult Sheldon: Another hurdle in my political career was glossophobia: fear of public speaking.
I've been known to experience dry mouth, perspiration, heart palpitations, and fainting. A similar response to what I experience around unleashed dogs.

Adult Sheldon: Science fact: sisters are the worst.

Adult Sheldon: I tried to explain to my parents that a mutant named Cyclops, who shoots laser beams out of his eyes, helped me eat a licorice stick. Went right over their heads.

Adult Sheldon: Rules are the pillars of society. I love rules. But what benefit are rules to a dead man?