George Sr.: Should we get started?
Malcolm Green: Yes.
Adult Sheldon: I realize some people may find the ins and outs of tax law a little tedious, so allow me to spice this story up. Instead of an audit, imagine this is a showdown between two warriors in the most brutal and exciting form of combat there is... chess. Am I the only one who just got chills?
[fantasy:]
Malcolm Green: Let's start with the business deductions from Schedule A on the tax return dated 1989.
Adult Sheldon: I know, bold opening move. Don't worry, I came to play.
Sheldon: Happy to. I've got those receipts right here. Dated, highlighted... and itemized.
Adult Sheldon: Told you. For the next three hours, we battled it out. Two mighty brains locked in mortal tax code combat.
Malcolm Green: Justify this expense.
Sheldon: Our AGI was less than $50,000.
Malcolm Green: Improper classification.
Sheldon: Rolled over from the previous fiscal year.
Malcolm Green: The receipt has barbecue sauce on it.
Sheldon: Dad.
George Sr.: Sorry.

Meemaw: I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.
Waiter: And for you?
Dale: Uh, just the house salad, please.
Waiter: Very good.
Meemaw: House salad? You watching your figure?
Dale: I have a physical tomorrow.
Meemaw: Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now?
Dale: Can't hurt.
Meemaw: It ain't gonna undo years of red meat and beer.
Dale: I'm not trying to undo it, I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce.

Dale: Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh?
Meemaw: They never have good news. They just want to find something wrong.
Dale: It's kind of their job.
Meemaw: If something's wrong with me, I don't want to know about it.
Dale: That's dumb.
Meemaw: No, it's not. If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather do it quick and leave lookin' good.

George Sr.: IRS? This can't be good.
Sheldon: Sure it can.
George Sr.: When is the IRS ever good?
Sheldon: Perhaps they're writing to congratulate me on filing such a beautiful tax return.

Meemaw: I can't believe we have to drink so much of that garbage.
Dale: [sighs] Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear.
Meemaw: You are so full of crap.
Dale: Well, not for much longer. Excuse me, the festivities have begun.
Meemaw: You're taking that whole thing with you?
Dale: I'm gonna be a while.

Sheldon: I want to go home.
George Sr.: What are you talking about? We're not done yet.
Sheldon: Yes, we are. I made a mistake that's gonna cost us a lot of money that we don't have. I feel so stupid.
George Sr.: Hey. It's okay to feel stupid.
Sheldon: No, it's not.
George Sr.: It just means you're growing. If you don't look back and think you were dumb, then you, then you haven't learned anything.
Sheldon: So what do we do?
George Sr.: We get back in there.
Sheldon: What if we lose?
George Sr.: Doesn't matter... win or lose, we don't give up, all right? Now let's get in there and show 'em what we're made of... what do you say?
Sheldon: I've heard you give that exact same pep talk at football games.
George Sr.: Well, I didn't have a special one prepared.
Sheldon: That's all right. I feel properly pepped.

Mary: Why are you readin' the Bible?
Missy: I felt bad about last night, so I thought it might be good for me.
Mary: Where are you going with this?
Missy: Nowhere, I just want to make you happy.
Mary: Uh-huh.
Missy: "And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses."
Mary: Okay. Stop.
Missy: What? I'm just reading from Genesis.
Mary: Well, cut it out.
Missy: Fine. Let's try Exodus. "And on the seventh day thou shalt rest: that thine ox and thine ass may rest."
Mary: That is it, you are grounded.
Missy: For reading the Bible?
Mary: The way you are doing it, yes. Go to your room.
Missy: Okay. I don't have a donkey. But if I did, I'd take my ass out of here.

George Sr.: Actually... I want you to represent us at the audit.
Sheldon: But I messed everything up.
George Sr.: You did. But I also know if anyone's smart enough to get us out of this, you are.
Sheldon: Why'd you change your mind?
George Sr.: No reason.
Sheldon: What did the accountant say?
George Sr.: Nothing.
Sheldon: They said my returns were perfect, didn't they?
George Sr.: Play with your trains.

Meemaw: My husband went to the doctor. And they found something. Two days later, he was in surgery. Nine months later, he was dead.
Dale: Geez.
Meemaw: I don't want that. And I, I don't want to put anybody else through that.
Dale: I'm sorry.
Meemaw: Mm.
Dale: I hope you stick around long enough to start looking like a mummy, too.
Meemaw: [chuckles] I always pictured myself more the Bride of Frankenstein type.
Dale: Well, you got the hair for it.

Dale: I want to live so long I start looking like a mummy.
Meemaw: [chuckles] You're off to a strong start.
Dale: Hey.

Meemaw: I feel bad beating you like this after you bought me drinks.
Dale: Okay, I tell you what. You want to make it more interesting?
Meemaw: Sure.
Dale: Okay, how about this? If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me.
Meemaw: God, are you still on this?
Dale: Come on, why not?
Meemaw: 'Cause I don't wanna.
Dale: Well, I don't wanna, either, but my doctor said I got to.
Meemaw: Well, my doctor didn't say nothing.
Dale: When was the last time you saw him?
Meemaw: I don't know, it's been a while.
Dale: Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while, "Watergate" a while?
Meemaw: Drop it.
Dale: Uh, last time you saw him, were they using leeches?
Meemaw: I'm about to take this pool cue and beat your doctor to the punch.
Dale: Oh. That long, huh? Look, all I'm saying is you could use a checkup.
Meemaw: I feel fine.
Dale: Okay. At your age, there's nothing wrong with going in...
Meemaw: I'm not going to the doctor, so just... mind your own business.

Adult Sheldon: I'm very much a creature of habit. Perhaps it's a trait I got from my father. Every night he would go through the mail, and every night, like clockwork, he would get very cranky.
George Sr.: Damn bills.
Mary: George.
Adult Sheldon: You'd think he'd get used to it, but night after night it upset him all over again.
George Sr.: Jury duty? Son of a...
Mary: George.
Adult Sheldon: It was complicated. I didn't like seeing him upset, but what can you do? I love consistency.

Adult Sheldon: Now that I had prevented my dad from saying I made a mistake, it was time to get the IRS to admit theirs.
Malcolm Green: [answers phone] IRS, Agent Green speaking.
Sheldon: Hello, my name is Sheldon Cooper. Forgive me for cutting right to the chase, but I'm outside and my skin is incredibly fair.
Malcolm Green: Okay, how can I help you?
Sheldon: You sent my family a bill saying we owe an additional four dollars and 22 cents, but you're mistaken. I filed a flawless return.
Malcolm Green: I'm sorry, how old are you?
Sheldon: That seems irrelevant, but I'm 11.
Malcolm Green: Your parents let an 11-year-old file their federal tax return?
Sheldon: This year. Two years ago, they let a nine-year-old do it.
Malcolm Green: Look, these tax codes are complicated. If you only made a four dollar mistake, that's pretty impressive.
Sheldon: I didn't make a mistake at all. You did.
Malcolm Green: Is that so?
Sheldon: Yes. But don't feel bad, these tax codes are complicated.
Malcolm Green: Uh-huh. Okay, I've got your file right here, and, uh, looks like you under-reported your income.
Sheldon: Actually, if you check under charitable donations, you'll notice that the money we made at the garage sale did not count as taxable income because we donated it to the church.
Malcolm Green: Well, I'll, uh, I'll have a look into that.
Sheldon: In the future, you might consider doing that before you send out the letter. So how does this work? Do you apologize now, do I get it in writing?

Mary: What's it say?
George Sr.: Okay. Not so bad. We owe four dollars and 22 cents.
Sheldon: What?
Mary: That could've been worse.
George Sr.: Yeah, tell me about it.
Sheldon: Let me see that.
George Sr.: I'm gonna wash up for dinner.
Sheldon: You realize they're wrong. My return was flawless.
George Sr.: I-It's four dollars. Forget it.
Sheldon: But they're saying I made a mistake.
Mary: You also got us a nice refund. You did a great job.
Adult Sheldon: I appreciated my mother's love, but what a boy really craves is the unconditional approval of a government agency.

Sheldon: Dad, I reviewed the tax return and I was right. They're the ones who made the mistake. Uh... What are you doing?
George Sr.: Writing a check to the IRS.
Sheldon: But we don't owe them anything. They're claiming that I under-reported our income, but I can prove that they're wrong.
George Sr.: It's not worth picking a fight with them over a few bucks.
Sheldon: Just let me call them, I can sort this out.
George Sr.: Just drop it, we don't want to get on their radar.
Sheldon: But if you send that check, it's like admitting I made a mistake when I didn't.
George Sr.: Sheldon, sometimes being right isn't the most important thing.
Sheldon: I'm glad you feel that way, because, boy, are you wrong.
George Sr.: We're done talking about this.
Adult Sheldon: And there he goes, wrong again.

Meemaw: How's that salad?
Dale: It sucks. How's your steak?
Meemaw: You know how they overcook it sometimes so it's a little bit dry?
Dale: Uh-huh.
Meemaw: Not this time. It's so good.
Dale: You know what else is good? This radish.
Meemaw: Would you like some steak?
Dale: Yes.
Meemaw: Then you probably should've ordered some. It's delicious.
Dale: You are not a very nice lady.
Meemaw: [softly] Mmm.

Missy: Why didn't you eat with us?
Sheldon: I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me.
Missy: Mom's not thrilled with me, either.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: Mom made chicken, and I said chickens cluck a lot, so they should be called "cluckers." And some chickens are moms, so you could call them "mother..."
Sheldon: I don't care.
Missy: Mom sure did.
Missy: What did you do wrong?
Sheldon: I got Dad in trouble with the IRS. He has to hire an accountant, which could cost us a lot of money.
Missy: Dang, makes me not want to have kids.

Missy: Son of a Mitch.
Mary: Melissa Cooper.
Missy: What? I said "Mitch." There's nothing wrong with that.
Mary: But you meant another word.
Missy: I'm sorry, what other word?
Mary: Just watch it.
Missy: Hold on. So you're saying if I have a friend whose dad's name is Mitch, I'm not allowed to talk about him?
Mary: I know what you're doing.
Missy: Okay, I just feel bad for my friend. That poor son of a Mitch.
Mary: Melissa Cooper.

[dream sequence:]
Male voice: Psst. Hey-a, kid.
Sheldon: [grunts] Who is it?
Male voice: It's me. The envelope with the IRS check.
Sheldon: What do you want?
Male voice: You can't let him send me. You didn't make a mistake.
Sheldon: Oh, I know that, but it's too late.
Male voice: It's not. The check isn't due for 30 days.
Sheldon: So?
Male voice: Just go in the kitchen and take me off the pile. Buy yourself some time to straighten this out.
Sheldon: But tampering with the mail is a federal offense.
Male voice: I'm not mail yet. I'm not in the mailbox. That's the law.
Sheldon: But what if my dad notices you're missing?
Male voice: Do it after he leaves for work. He'll never know.
Sheldon: That's brilliant.
Male voice: I'm not real, so technically, you thought of it.
Sheldon: That makes more sense.

George Sr.: So how's it look? Do I owe a lot of money? I don't have a lot of money.
Nancy: Mm-hmm, I can see that. Who did these?
George Sr.: Why? Is it that bad?
Nancy: They're impeccable.
George Sr.: Oh... Actually, it was my son.
Nancy: Well, why don't you just use him for the audit?
George Sr.: He's 11.
Nancy: An 11-year-old did these?
George Sr.: Actually, he might've been nine at the time. I'm not good with birthdays.

George Sr.: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
George Sr.: Playing with your trains?
Sheldon: I'm punishing myself by looking at them, but not allowing myself to run them.
George Sr.: You don't have to punish yourself.
Sheldon: Because you'd rather do it? That's fair.
George Sr.: No.
Sheldon: It's okay. I deserve it.

Meemaw: It's no big deal.
Dale: It's a colonoscopy.
Meemaw: So?
Dale: So, one of those words means "colon," and the other means "shoving a camera up it."
Meemaw: Mm. I'm surprised you need one. Did you tell him about the salad?
Dale: It's not funny.
Meemaw: Stop being such a baby. Something I have pushed out of my body. You can do this.
Dale: Wait, wait, I got an idea. Why don't we do it together?
Meemaw: What? No.
Dale: Come on. It'll be romantic.
Meemaw: You're weird.

Adult Sheldon: The next morning, I patiently waited for my father to leave for work.
Sheldon: Are you leaving for work?
George Sr.: Yeah?
Sheldon: [stares intently at George] See you. Bye.
George Sr.: Bye. [exits]
Adult Sheldon: I leapt into action. My heart was pounding. I don't know what kind of bladder control professional spies have, but this first-timer needed to pee pronto.

George Sr.: Hello. I'm George Cooper. This is my son Sheldon.
Malcolm Green: Yes, we spoke on the phone.
Sheldon: You look exactly like you sound. Not everybody does.

Malcolm Green: So you are remarkably well-versed in the tax code.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Malcolm Green: It's nice of you to do your parents' returns for free every year.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't do it for free. My dad buys me a model train afterwards.
Malcolm Green: Interesting. So you accept payment even though you're not a licensed tax professional? In clear violation of federal law.
[fantasy: Sheldon and Agent Green are playing chess again:]
Malcolm Green: Check.
Adult Sheldon: I had walked right into his trap.
[reality:]
Sheldon: Excuse me, I need to use the restroom. [exits]
George Sr.: So, catch that Cowboys game last...
Malcolm Green: No.
George Sr.: Yeah.

Dale: [answers phone] Ballard's.
Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Hey, what's up?
Meemaw: You'll be happy to know I went out and got a checkup.
Dale: Fantastic.
Meemaw: Yeah, great, just great. And now you can shut up about it.
Dale: Well, how'd it go?
Meemaw: Good news, bad news.
Dale: Uh-oh.
Meemaw: Good news is I'm fine.
Dale: Well, now, isn't that comforting to know?
Meemaw: Don't be smug.
Dale: So what's the bad news?
Meemaw: He wants me to have a colonoscopy.
Dale: Great! Oh, my gosh, we can do it together! Can't you just feel the romance?
Meemaw: No, you weirdo.

Meemaw: Hello.
Dale: Well, hey. Well, you missed it. Some old broad went nuts over there and threw her pool cue on the table. She's crazy.
Meemaw: Mm. Sorry.

Malcolm Green: So... where were we?
[fantasy: Sheldon and Agent Green are once again playing chess:]
Malcolm Green: Check.
Sheldon: It's true. I made a mistake. But my dad taught me that's okay. Wait. My dad's a teacher. Which means, my doing our taxes wasn't work for-hire, but an economics lesson he was teaching me. Therefore, the train he bought me wasn't payment for unlicensed work, it was a reward for successfully completing my lesson. So it does not violate the statute, and since the value of the train is less than $10,000, there's no additional gift tax. Checkmate.
Malcolm Green: [sighs] [applause]
[reality:]
Malcolm Green: Well, I guess that wraps it up.

George Sr.: Is it over? What happened?
Sheldon: We won.
George Sr.: Wait, we don't owe anything?
Malcolm Green: No, your returns are all in order. Well done.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Malcolm Green: Your son's extremely intelligent.
George Sr.: Yep.
Sheldon: I hope you audit us next year, so I can run circles around you again.
George Sr.: Until he says something stupid. Let's go.

George Sr.: What the hell? Why are we getting audited?
Sheldon: What? Are you sure it doesn't say "applauded"? Perhaps for a job well done?
George Sr.: We're being audited for the last three years of our tax returns. I don't get it. I mailed in that check a week ago.
Sheldon: About that. I can explain.
George Sr.: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I just needed some time to prove there were no errors in my work.
George Sr.: What did you do?
Sheldon: I took the check before Mom mailed it.
George Sr.: What?
Sheldon: But I called the IRS and sorted things out.
George Sr.: Clearly you didn't. I told you to let it go.
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
George Sr.: This could end up costing us a fortune.
Sheldon: I can fix it.
George Sr.: No. I'm gonna hire an accountant and have him handle it right.
Sheldon: But I want to help.
George Sr.: You've helped enough. Go to your room.
Sheldon: Yes, sir.

Bruce Willis: [on TV] Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon.
Missy: Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?
George Jr.: No one.
Missy: Then why'd he say it?
George Jr.: Well, in the real version, he said a bad word, but they had to change it for TV.
Missy: TV is so lame. What did he really say? [Georgie whispers in Missy's ear] That's so much better.
George Jr.: This movie works on a lot of levels.