Mary: If I'm pregnant, George is gonna flip out.
Meemaw: I'm sure he would at first. Then he would calm down. Take a few beers. Maybe some malt liquor.
Mary: I suppose. [sighs] The truth is, he and I were both freaked out about having twins. But now I can't imagine life without them.
Meemaw: Well, see, there you are. So, no matter what that test says, you're gonna be okay.
Mary: You're right.
Meemaw: What's it say?
Mary: [sighs] I'm gonna go buy that malt liquor.

Mary: Okay, let's say grace. Now, Tam, when I say "Jesus," feel free to say the word "Buddha" in your head.
Tam: I'm actually Catholic.
Mary: Oh! Well, that's too bad.

Mary: Now, the thing you have to understand is Shelly is incredibly bright. I mean, his IQ is right up there with Albert Einstein and that English wheelchair fella.

Mary: God, please give me the strength to not spread this juicy gossip about Pastor Jeff.

Mary: Aw, baby, everything all right?
George Jr.: I don't want to talk about it.
Mary: You might feel better if you do. Is it about a girl?
George Jr.: How do you know?
Mary: Sometimes a mother can sense these things.

George Sr.: Hang on. What did you think was gonna happen when we sent him to high school?
Mary: I don't know, that he'd learn stuff, and then, come back home and be my baby forever.
George Sr.: Mare, it's good for him. He may start college in a couple years, what happens then?
Mary: Off the top of my head, he and I share a dorm room.
George Sr.: You know I'd laugh at that if I didn't kind of believe you.

Mary: [answers phone] Hello?
President Hagemeyer: Mrs. Cooper, it's Linda Hagemeyer.
Mary: Is everything okay?
President Hagemeyer: Well, I was hoping that you could tell me. [chuckles] Uh, Sheldon was in my office earlier and was pretty upset about the situation at home.
Mary: What did he tell you?
President Hagemeyer: Nothing much, really, just that his parents are fighting all the time, his older brother got a girl pregnant and his sister punched a little boy in Sunday school.
Mary: Oh. Well... [sighs] ...it's been a busy couple of days. Just, you know, life... One thing after another.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, ain't that the truth. Anyway, I'm sure that you know this university has invested quite a bit in Sheldon's progress, and, uh, well, not to be critical, but... he didn't come to you complaining about me.
Mary: What are you saying? Are you saying that I'm not doing a good job as his mother? Because I am doing the best that I can to hold this family together, and I am tired of everyone blaming me. [Missy is listening in the hallway] I have half a mind to get in my car and drive until I run out of road and then start my life over again with a different name.
President Hagemeyer: Okay. Sure. So, uh... sounds like you've got a handle on this. So good to talk to you. Um, have a lovely evening.
Mary: You too! [hangs up] [cries] [Missy hugs Mary] Oh... [sniffles]

Mary: Baby, what's wrong?
Sheldon: I tried to pet Fish! Ah, he was so slimy!
Mary: Well, yeah, he's a fish.

Mary: I thought you'd be at work.
George Jr.: I work nights this week.
Mary: Oh, I didn't realize the Laundromat was open late.
George Jr.: I did that. People work during the day, it seemed like an untapped market.
Mary: Smart. You know, if you want to advertise your new hours, you could take out an ad in the church bulletin.
George Jr.: That ain't a bad idea.
Mary: Maybe I'm where you get it from. Oh! It could say something like, "Jesus washes away your sins, and we'll wash away your stains."
George Jr.: [chuckles] Wow! You are really good at this. [Mary laughs] [Georgie rolls his eyes]

Missy: I'll split it with you.
Mary: No.
Missy: Why are you being so lame?
Mary: Because money does not buy happiness.
Missy: [sighs] Fresh Prince seems pretty happy.
Mary: It is not his money, it's his Uncle Phil's!

Mary: Why didn't you tell me there was a pool? I would've brought my bathing suit.
George Sr.: Hotels have pools... didn't think I needed to mention it.
Mary: Well, it would have been nice if you did.
George Sr.: They also have beds in the rooms. Did you remember your pajamas?
Mary: Okay, you don't have to act like that.
George Sr.: Well, you don't need to blame me 'cause you forgot your bathing suit.
Mary: Well, I guess we're not going in the pool.
George Sr.: Maybe you're not. I packed my suit.
Mary: Are you gonna behave like this all weekend?
George Sr.: What? Responsible and fun-loving? Probably.
Mary: You are such a... monkey butt.
George Sr.: [laughs] Come on. There's got to be more insulting name you can call me.
Mary: I am sure there is, but they're about to get in and they do not need to hear us arguing.

Mary: Shelly, I was looking at your college catalog. There are a lot of fun clubs. Might be a nice way to make some new friends.
Sheldon: I don't need friends. I have Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: And he's fun, but... did you know that there's a Science Fiction Club? You like science fiction.
Sheldon: I prefer science fact.
Mary: Then maybe you might enjoy the Astronomy Club. Outer space and such.
Missy: Ooh. You can meet other people from your planet.
Mary: Read your magazine.
Sheldon: Why are you so interested in me joining a club?
Mary: I just want to make sure that you get the full college experience.
Sheldon: I suppose my so-called peers could benefit from my presence.
Mary: And you might benefit, too.
Sheldon: A nice thought, but I don't spread my sunshine for selfish reasons. Give me the catalog.
Missy: You tried, and that's what counts.

Mary: Who said you could go to Fort Davis?
Sheldon: President Hagemeyer.
Mary: Well, I didn't say you could go.
Sheldon: It's fine. I'll be with Dr. Sturgis and Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: For how long?
Sheldon: Three days.
Mary: And they're okay with this?
Sheldon: Why wouldn't they be?
Mary: No reason.

Mary: I don't see them.
Meemaw: Excuse me. Where do you keep your pregnancy tests?
Mary: Mom.
Mary Sue: Behind the counter at the pharmacy.
Meemaw: Thank you.
Mary: Would you please be a little more discreet?
Meemaw: She doesn't know it's for you.
Mary: Well, it sure isn't for you.

Pastor Jeff: "Life is too short to be married to a loser. I'm leaving you. Love, Selena."
Mary: "Love, Selena"? Well, that's kind of a mixed message.

Mary: But Sheldon's already self-conscious about being different from other kids. I worry how this might affect him.
George Sr.: You're being too protective. He's a rock.
Mary: A rock? Are we raising the same child?

George Sr.: Um, I need to tell you something.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: When Sheldon was doing our taxes, he noticed a missing check.
Mary: What did you do?
George Sr.: Before I answer, do you trust me enough to understand it was for a good reason and j-just leave it at that?
Mary: What did you do?

Mary: I thought you were gonna join a club.
Sheldon: Too bad there isn't a Dr. Linkletter Haters Club. I would join that in a heartbeat. Maybe I should start one.
Mary: Starting your own club is an interesting idea. Maybe just not one based on, you know, hating someone.
Sheldon: You started that group at church for parents who hate The Simpsons.
Mary: It's not about hate. We just write letters to get it taken off the air. [chuckles] And it's gonna happen any day now.
Adult Sheldon: Ironically, the only Simpson she did like was O.J. Time's funny that way.

Mary: Oh, um... I saw you and Brenda Sparks out for a walk this mornin'. That's fun.
Pastor Jeff: Yeah. Nice way to start the day.
Mary: Yeah. Um... I'd go with George, but he's a gym teacher, and as a group, they're not much for walkin'.
Pastor Jeff: Well, you keep asking, maybe he'll come around.
Mary: Good idea, thank you.
Pastor Jeff: It's not just witty church signs up here.

Dr. Sandra Thorpe: Was there anything unusual about your pregnancy?
Mary: No, not that I remember.
George Sr.: Really? You cried for, like, seven months.
Mary: Those were tears of joy. [WEAK LAUGH]
George Sr.: What about all those times you punched me?
Mary: Punches of joy.