Sheldon: I don't get why people think that the social aspect of education is so important.
Missy: Maybe 'cause the education aspect is so boring.
Sheldon: But that's the whole point of school.
Missy: Eh. I'll stick with being popular.
Adult Sheldon: I'd like to point out that one of us has a Nobel Prize. All the other one has is a loving family and friends, which I also have. Boy, did I win!

Dr. Willard: The Moho lies between the mantle and the crust, and...
Sheldon: Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Linkletter.
Dr. Willard: He's not here.
Sheldon: Sorry for wasting your time. Oh, this is geology. You're already wasting your time.

Sheldon: I'm hurt Dr. Linkletter doesn't want me as a friend.
Mary: Understandable.
Sheldon: I'm also angry. I don't like having two feelings at once. It's annoying. Great, annoyed. That's three.

[title: Sci-Fi Club:]
Sheldon: So, what kind of activities does the Science Fiction Club engage in?
Greg: Well, this Friday we're having a screening of Star Wars on laser disc.
Sheldon: I thought this was the Science Fiction Club.
Greg: It is.
Sheldon: Star Wars is science fantasy. The Force is basically magic. At that point, you might as well be watching The Hobbit.
Greg: That's next week.
Sheldon: This is madness.

Sheldon: I'll trade you my apple slices for your pudding cup.
Dr. Linkletter: No.
Sheldon: Aren't you a little old for a pudding cup?
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, surely there's somebody else you could have lunch with.
Sheldon: There is, but the lunch rush is a busy time for janitors.
Dr. Linkletter: Perhaps you could work on widening your social circles here.
Sheldon: I'm already at two. That's double where I was at high school.

Adult Sheldon: The next day, I set out to start my own club. It involved science, education and all the glitz and glamour of show business. All I had to do was sit back and wait for my new Proton posse to come rolling in.
Sheldon: Greetings, fellow Professor Proton fan.
Guy: Oh, I thought this room was empty.
Sheldon: Well, it's not. This is a meeting of the Professor Proton Appreciation Club. Would you like to fill out an application?
Guy: I'm just looking for someplace quiet.
Sheldon: I understand. Well, it doesn't look like anyone's gonna show up, so if you would like to read here, you're welcome to.
Guy: Okay. [sits down]
Sheldon: I was only starting this club because my mother wanted me to make some friends. Not just her. It started with my physics professor, Dr. Linkletter, who I thought was my friend but then decided...
Guy: Are you gonna keep talking?
Sheldon: I-I've got a book.
Adult Sheldon: That day, the Read in Silence Club was born. Its members were me and my new friend...
Sheldon: What's your name?
Guy: Shh.
Adult Sheldon: And my new friend, that guy.

Meemaw: So, what else has Dale told you about our relationship?
June: You still hung up on that?
Meemaw: Apparently.
June: You know, I don't think he meant to. We were having a drink, and it just kind of slipped out.
Meemaw: Y'all still go out drinking together?
June: It was our grandson's elementary school graduation, so yeah.
Meemaw: I didn't know y'all were that close.
June: Are you jealous?
Meemaw: No.
June: Sounds like it.
Meemaw: Well... You ever sleep with him after the divorce?
June: Gross! No. That cranky bag of wrinkles is all yours.
Meemaw: That's a comfort. [laughs] I guess.

June: Whoever decided to put video poker in the bar is a genius.
Meemaw: If they change the seats out to toilets, we'd never have to leave. [both laugh]

Mary: I thought you were gonna join a club.
Sheldon: Too bad there isn't a Dr. Linkletter Haters Club. I would join that in a heartbeat. Maybe I should start one.
Mary: Starting your own club is an interesting idea. Maybe just not one based on, you know, hating someone.
Sheldon: You started that group at church for parents who hate The Simpsons.
Mary: It's not about hate. We just write letters to get it taken off the air. [chuckles] And it's gonna happen any day now.
Adult Sheldon: Ironically, the only Simpson she did like was O.J. Time's funny that way.

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, why are you at my desk?
Sheldon: I like your keyboard. The ones at the library are too clacky.
Dr. Linkletter: I thought you were going to join a club.
Sheldon: I tried, but they each had their own problems.
Dr. Linkletter: By chance, were any of those problems you?
Sheldon: You're so funny. I missed this.

June: So, why are you taking me instead of Dale?
Meemaw: Well, last time he and I went casino hopping, it didn't work out too hot.
June: 'Cause he proposed and you said no?
Meemaw: Why would he tell you that?!
June: Hey, don't feel bad. I'm the dummy that said yes to him.
Meemaw: Well, I guess you got a point there.

[title: Debate Club:]
Sheldon: Proposition: the newest member of the Debate Club should be Sheldon Cooper. You're the affirmative. Go.
Ashley: Who's Sheldon Cooper?
Sheldon: Me. And I believe I should not join the debate team because there are far more valuable uses of my time.
Ashley: Do you want to join or not?
Sheldon: That's the debate, isn't it?
Ashley: I don't know what's happening.
Sheldon: If you're thrown for a loop, wait until you hear my rebuttal. Sheldon Cooper should not join the debate team because your leadership is clearly questionable.
Ashley: Okay, you're not in the club.
Sheldon: Ha! I win. Wait.

Adult Sheldon: For some reason, Dr. Linkletter felt it was important that I start my quest to join a club immediately. The interview process was tougher than you'd expect.
[title: Chess Club:]
Sheldon: So why exactly should I join your club?
Chris: Well, cool people, good chess players, and when the weather's nice, we meet in the quad.
Sheldon: Outside?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Under trees?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: Where birds live?
Chris: Yes.
Sheldon: I think we're done here.

Sheldon: Hello, lunch friend.
Dr. Linkletter: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Egg salad. Stinky.
Dr. Linkletter: What do you want?
Sheldon: I have some bad news. I'm going to join a club on campus, which means we won't be able to have lunch together.
Dr. Linkletter: Wonderful! For you. Sad for me. Mmm. Happy trails.
Sheldon: Oh, no, we're still having lunch today. You get to help me decide which club I should join.
Dr. Linkletter: Terrific.

Meemaw: Hey, you got any plans this weekend?
June: I don't think so. Why?
Meemaw: I happen to have a coupon for a free room at the Royale Casino.
June: Now you're talking! How'd you swing that?
Meemaw: Well, you lose enough, they give you all kinds of crap.
June: I'm in.
Meemaw: And if you really feel like gambling, they got an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.
June: Put enough drinks in me, I'll eat anything. [Meemaw laughs]

Mary: Shelly, I was looking at your college catalog. There are a lot of fun clubs. Might be a nice way to make some new friends.
Sheldon: I don't need friends. I have Dr. Linkletter.
Mary: And he's fun, but... did you know that there's a Science Fiction Club? You like science fiction.
Sheldon: I prefer science fact.
Mary: Then maybe you might enjoy the Astronomy Club. Outer space and such.
Missy: Ooh. You can meet other people from your planet.
Mary: Read your magazine.
Sheldon: Why are you so interested in me joining a club?
Mary: I just want to make sure that you get the full college experience.
Sheldon: I suppose my so-called peers could benefit from my presence.
Mary: And you might benefit, too.
Sheldon: A nice thought, but I don't spread my sunshine for selfish reasons. Give me the catalog.
Missy: You tried, and that's what counts.

George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: That was Dr. Linkletter. He says that Sheldon is spending too much time with him.
George Sr.: Better him than us, right?
Mary: [sighs] He's suggesting that Sheldon try and find some friends on campus.
George Sr.: Makes sense.
Mary: I'm just worried that he's gonna be hanging out with people who are drinking and going to parties.
George Sr.: Like he's gonna make friends with the cool kids.

Adult Sheldon: After a few short weeks as a full-time college student, I am proud to say the transition had gone quite nicely. My classes were going well, I knew my way around campus and I had an active and vibrant social life.
Sheldon: There you are.
Dr. Linkletter: Why are you here?
Sheldon: Lunch. Don't worry, I didn't start without you.
Dr. Linkletter: How did you get in?
Sheldon: Janitor Jim.
Dr. Linkletter: And why would Janitor Jim do that?
Sheldon: You're not my only friend around here.

George Jr.: Hey.
George Sr.: Hey. How was school?
George Jr.: Fine. Work?
George Sr.: Fine.
George Jr.: And Mom says we never talk.

George Sr.: What is that on your belt there?
George Jr.: It's my new beeper.
George Sr.: Why in the world would you need a beeper?
George Jr.: So people can get in touch with me.
George Sr.: Trust me, when you're not around, no one's thinking, "I must speak with Georgie this minute."
George Jr.: Hey, lots of people have these.
George Sr.: Yeah, doctors and drug dealers, and you're not smart enough to be either.
George Jr.: [pager beeping, vibrating] Excuse me, I'm being beeped. [dials phone] Hey, I was paged from this number. No, I'm not Bruce. Sorry. [hangs up]
George Sr.: Mm, sounds like you got a real emergency there, Bruce.

June: [on answer machine] Hey, Connie, it's June. You know, I don't feel good about what happened the other night, and I just want to say I'm sorry. Could you give me a call back? Thanks. Bye. [machine beeps]
Meemaw: That's nice.
Dale: I don't know why you get an apology. I'm the one she was trying to piss off.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Looks like she's still doing it.
Dale: All the years we were married, I never once got an apology.
Meemaw: Well, you're not exactly the apologizing kind yourself, you know.
Dale: Well, that's not true. For years after we broke up, I was telling people I was sorry I married her.

Missy: Wil Wheaton's cute.
Sheldon: If you like him, then you should watch Star Trek with me.
Missy: He's not that cute.

Sheldon: Missy, has your social experience in middle school been going well?
Missy: So good, it's nuts.
Sheldon: Are you a member of any clubs?
Missy: Well, in the cafeteria, we call our table Heather M. and the Funky Lunch Bunch.
Sheldon: Well, I meant school-sanctioned clubs.
Missy: The F.L.B. is a pretty big deal.

Meemaw: [on the phone] What'd I say?
Dale: You don't remember?
[flashback:]
Meemaw: And then I lost $20 at the video poker bar, and then we sang karaoke.
June: Tell him about the shrimp.
Meemaw: [chuckles)]We went to the all-you-can-eat buffet, you know, and they had these jumbo shrimp. [June laughs] And, I mean, they weren't just saying they were jumbo.
June: So big!
[present:]
Meemaw: Are you gonna tell me what I said or not?
Dale: Hell no. I'm having too much fun.
Meemaw: I hate you.
Dale: [chuckles] I can live with that.

June: Make it stop.
Meemaw: [chuckles] Oh. [answers phone] Who the hell is this?
Dale: Hey. Morning, sunshine.
Meemaw: What time is it?
Dale: 2:00 in the afternoon.
Meemaw: Really?
Dale: Well, I mean, you had a wild night singing and everything.
Meemaw: How do you know that?
Dale: You called me at 3:00 in the morning.

George Jr.: This is it. I'm done.
Ashley: [opens door] Oh, hi. You must be Georgie.
George Jr.: Uh, yeah.
Ashley: My nana says you've been taking such good care of her. [chuckles] You're so sweet.
George Jr.: Thanks, but she's the sweet one.
Ashley: Isn't she? [chuckles] Nana, Georgie's here!
Mildred: [o.s.] Ask him if he wants to stay for dinner.
George Jr.: I'm free. What're we having?

June: Well, now that we're being honest, can I ask you a question?
Meemaw: Sure.
June: Do you regret saying no to Dale?
Meemaw: No.
June: There was a little pause there.
Meemaw: There was not!
June: Okay, I believe you.
Meemaw: Thank you.
June: You see how I paused? That means I was lying.

Sheldon: [knocks three times] Dr. Linkletter?
Man: No.
Sheldon: Sorry. You and he have the same loafers. Carry on.

Dr. Linkletter: What?
Sheldon: I've been looking for you.
Dr. Linkletter: I was just trying to have a little privacy.
Sheldon: Smart. No one will bother us out here. [climbs into car] What is that? Ham?

Sheldon: Would you like your seat back?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. I'd also like my office back.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Dr. Linkletter: Son, you can't just hang out here whenever you want.
Sheldon: Why not? We're friends.
Dr. Linkletter: No. I'm a professor, you're a student. I'm 68, you're 11. Do you see where I'm headed here?
Sheldon: Nope.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I've tried to be nice about this, but you're just not taking the hint. If you have questions about class, I'm here. Otherwise, please leave me alone.
Sheldon: Uh, I understand.
Dr. Linkletter: Thank you.

George Jr.: [dials phone] Hello. You paged me?
Mildred: Bruce?
George Jr.: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
Mildred: Oh. I was trying to reach my grandson.
George Jr.: Well, when you do, can you have him tell people this ain't his pager no more?
Mildred: I was hoping he could give me a ride to the drugstore. I need to pick up my prescription.
George Jr.: All right, well, good luck.
Mildred: I took my last heart pill this morning.
George Jr.: Sorry to hear that.
Mildred: I suppose I could walk, if I take it slow.

["Crazy" by Patsy Cline playing on radio]
June: Turn it up. I love that song. [singing along] ♪ Crazy ♪ ♪ I'm crazy for feeling ♪ ♪ So lonely ♪
Meemaw: You know, they got karaoke at the lounge.
June: ♪ I'm crazy ♪ [off-key] ♪ Crazy for feeling ♪ ♪ So blue ♪
Meemaw: Wow. That's some voice you got.
June: Thank you.

Mildred: You are just the little lifesaver.
George Jr.: No problem, ma'am.
Mildred: You know, we are gonna drive right by that farmers market. You ever had their peaches?
George Jr.: Don't think so.
Mildred: Well, then we have to stop. I'm gonna buy you a peach.
George Jr.: You really don't have to.
Mildred: I insist. And then we'll swing by Braum's so I can pick up some whipped cream. That goes great with peaches.
George Jr.: Okay.

Missy: Aren't you gonna call them back?
George Jr.: No. It's this old lady. She keeps getting me to run her errands and do her chores.
Missy: You don't even do that here.
George Jr.: I know. [pager beeping, vibrating]
Missy: She's not your grandma. Just call her back and say no.
George Jr.: You're right. [picks up phone]
[cut to Georgie and Mildred in his car with a bunch of plants in the back-seat:]
Mildred: Thanks again.
George Jr.: Uh-huh. What're you gonna do with all these plants?
Mildred: Put them in my garden.
George Jr.: Sounds like a lot of work. [Mildred smiles at Georgie] Aw, man.

Meemaw: You still dating that young guy?
June: Justin? Oh, yeah. It wasn't just to bug Dale. He's hot. And he doesn't eat dinner at 5:00.
Meemaw: Dale and I once ate dinner at 3:30. I still think it was lunch. [June laughs]