Missy: Why don't you believe in God? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Because science explains the universe without the need of inventing a supernatural being.
Missy: But how do you know for sure He doesn't exist?
Sheldon: Ooh. [raises hand]
Missy: Stop that.
Sheldon: The burden of proof isn't on me. If I said there was an invisible monkey in the room with us, you shouldn't believe me just because you can't prove me wrong.

Pastor Jeff: Now, for a psalm 100 bookmark, who can name the apostles? [Billy raises his hand] Billy.
Billy Sparks: Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc...
Pastor Jeff: Those are dwarves. Anyone else?

George Sr.: Just go get your money back and buy a different car.
George Jr.: No.
George Sr.: Georgie, I'm not playing around.
George Jr.: Neither am I. I bought it with my own money, and you don't get a say.
George Sr.: As long as you live under my roof, I get plenty of say.
George Jr.: Fine. I'll move out.
George Sr.: And where you gonna go?
George Jr.: I'll live in the van.
George Sr.: [laughs] You know what? It was only a matter of time before you lived in a van. Have at it.
George Jr.: Scooby-Doo lived in a van, and he turned out fine.

Sheldon: For your information, not only am I going to show you up today, I've also prepared some biblical trash talk.
Paige: What is he talking about?
Missy: He stayed up all night studying.
Paige: Why?
Sheldon: To beat you at Bible trivia. Just like the prophets of mercy beat the priestly cult and its emphasis on ritual purity.
Paige: Was that the trash talk?
Sheldon: [scoffs] Was Zacchaeus a tax collector? Was Nicodemus a Pharisee?
Missy: Just hit him.

Sheldon: Why would Paige get competitive over Bible trivia? She doesn't care about that.
Mary: Maybe she just wanted that bookmark.
Missy: Yeah. I wanted this "what would Jesus do?" slap bracelet. Ow.
Sheldon: I liked it better when she and I were making fun of everything.
Mary: You might have more fun if you participated, too.
Sheldon: Oh, I'll participate.
Mary: Great.
Sheldon: If Paige wants to go head-to-head on Bible trivia, she picked the wrong fact-filled atheist to mess with.
Mary: [quietly] Great.

Missy: Why is the monkey invisible?
Sheldon: I don't know.
Missy: Is it a ghost monkey?
Sheldon: Sure.
Missy: Then why isn't he in heaven?
Sheldon: Because there is no heaven.
Missy: What about monkey heaven?
Sheldon: There is no monkey heaven. There is no regular heaven. When we die, we cease to exist. That's it.
Missy: You better hope you're right. 'Cause if I end up in regular heaven and you end up in hell, I'm gonna laugh. But if you end up in monkey hell, I'm gonna laugh even harder.
Sheldon: Just paint your nails.
Missy: [prays] God, when Sheldon dies, please send him to monkey hell. Amen.

Librarian: Oh, sorry. It was canceled.
Sheldon: What? Why?
Librarian: Not enough interest.
Sheldon: Not enough interest in stamps? It's the fastest-growing hobby in people 70 and over according to Reader's Digest.

George Sr.: Morning, sunshine.
George Jr.: [exhales] What do you want?
George Sr.: Oh, just to see how you're doing.
George Jr.: I'm fine. Thanks for the juice.
George Sr.: Oh, this isn't for you. [drinks] Mmm. Mmm. [smacks lips, sighs] Cold and refreshing. So, how'd you sleep? You look terrible.
George Jr.: Are you done?
George Sr.: Depends. You ready to return the van?
George Jr.: This van's not going anywhere.
George Sr.: Don't you have to work this morning?
George Jr.: Crap.
[After George closes the side door and jumps into the driver's seat, he tries to start the van but the engine fails to turn over.]
George Sr.: Yep, it's not going anywhere.

Sheldon: Ask me what the fruits of the Spirit are.
Missy: I'm sure you know them.
Sheldon: Of course I do. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Missy: Then why do I have to ask?
Sheldon: So I can improve my hand-raising technique.
Missy: Fine. What are the fruits of the Spirit? [Sheldon raises his hand] Good. We done?
Sheldon: No, you have to call on me.
Missy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Now ask me to name three wicked women of the Bible.
Missy: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: If it's "Who are three wicked women in the Bible?," then go ahead.

Mary: Brought you some food. Don't tell your father.
George Jr.: Thanks. Want to come in? It smells less disgusting now.
Mary: I'm... really good here. Georgie, um, this is a... nice van, but why don't you think about selling it so you can come back inside?
George Jr.: No. I'm not letting him win this one.
Mary: [sighs] You know you can't live in here.
George Jr.: Why not?
Mary: It's hot out.
George Jr.: The windows roll down.
Mary: How are you gonna take a shower?
George Jr.: It's supposed to rain this weekend.
Mary: What about a bathroom?
George Jr.: See that bucket?
Mary: Good night.

George Jr.: Can I use your bathroom?
Meemaw: Your dad wants to talk to you. [hands Georgie her phone]
George Jr.: Hello.
George Sr.: You can't use her bathroom either.
George Jr.: Dang it.
Meemaw: There's a bucket in the garage. [laughs]

George Sr.: Hey! Where do you think you're going?
George Jr.: Bathroom.
George Sr.: No, you're not. You don't live here.
Mary: George.
George Sr.: You want him making grandkids in that van?
Mary: You heard him! Get!
George Jr.: Dang it.

George Sr.: Missy doing anything stupid?
Mary: No.
George Sr.: One out of three. Not bad.

George Jr.: Hey.
Dale: [yelps] I'm on medication, you know. Wh-What are you doing in there?
George Jr.: Just washed up in your sink. Don't want to offend the customers.
Dale: Why?
George Jr.: My dad's mad 'cause I bought a van, and he's not letting me use the house.
Dale: Oh. So that's your old Chevy parked out front?
George Jr.: Pretty sweet, right?
Dale: You have a clean title on it?
George Jr.: Pretty much. I think it's registered in Mexico.
Dale: Well, that's something.
George Jr.: But it's got a bed and a mini fridge.
Dale: Wow. Sweet.
George Jr.: I'm gonna hang some twinkle lights and maybe get a lava lamp.

George Jr.: Well?
Jana: It's very... colorful.
George Jr.: Not just colorful. Patriotic.
Jana: It's also a little gross.
George Jr.: It just needs a little shampoo. But check out the best part. [pulls out bed] Want to try it out?
Jana: In front of your parents' house?
George Jr.: That's what's so great. We can drive it anywhere. Empty field, abandoned parking lot. Wherever love takes us.
Jana: [sniffs] What is that smell?
George Jr.: There was a mouse in the mini fridge.
Jana: Ew!
George Jr.: Did you hear me? There's a mini fridge!

Sheldon: I don't even care about church, and I can name them all.
Paige: So can I.
Sheldon: No, you can't.
Paige: Yes, I can. I can even do it in alphabetical order.
Sheldon: Well, I can name them in the order they appear in the Book of Matthew.
[Sheldon and Paige raises their hnads]
Pastor Jeff: Paige, yes.
Paige: Peter, Andrew, James, son of Zebedee, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, James, son of Alpheus, Thaddeus, Simon and Judas. And that's the order that they appear in the Book of Matthew.
Pastor Jeff: Fantastic! [chuckles] You just won yourself a psalm 100 bookmark.
Paige: [chuckles] Thank you. I love that psalm. [applause]
Adult Sheldon: You would think winning a Nobel Prize in Physics would make this moment meaningless to me, but all these years later, it still burns my butt.

Sheldon: Hello.
Paige: What now?
Sheldon: What now?
Paige: What are you doing?
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Paige: Are you just gonna repeat everything I...
Sheldon: Are you just gonna repeat everything I say?
Paige: I, Sheldon Cooper...
Sheldon: I, Sheldon Cooper...
Paige: ...accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
Sheldon: ...accept Jesus Chr... [grunts]

Pastor Jeff: Hello, Biblenauts! [chuckles] Gather round. Now, who's ready to find space for Jesus in our hearts? [silence] I can't hear you!
Sheldon: Perhaps that's because space is a vacuum where sound doesn't travel.
Paige: Nicely done.
Sheldon: You're not the only rebel around here.
Pastor Jeff: I thought he had stamp camp.

Billy Sparks: This licorice tastes terrible.
Missy: It's plastic. You use it to weave a lanyard.
Billy Sparks: No, it's licorice.

George Sr.: George, your mother works for the church. This doesn't look good.
George Jr.: I don't know, looks pretty good to me.
George Sr.: [sighs] Please, listen to me.
George Jr.: Come on. If I drive Sheldon to college, he can sleep back there.
George Sr.: So, you saw that couch, and the first thought you had was, "My brother can sleep on that"?
George Jr.: Not my first thought.

George Jr.: Now, it needs a little bit of work, but once I'm done, it's gonna be amazing.
George Sr.: No.
George Jr.: What do you mean? It's got low mileage, great stereo. Check this out. [opens side door] Look at all the room.
George Sr.: Hell no.
George Jr.: Why?
George Sr.: This isn't a car. It's a motel room on wheels.
George Jr.: Is that how little you think of me?
George Sr.: [scoffs] Yes. Maybe less.

Missy: I can still hear the sound of her fist hitting your face and your head bouncing off the floor.
Mary: That is enough.
Missy: It was like, "Thwack," and then, "Kathunk."
Mary: I said enough!
Missy: And there were doughnut holes. What a great day.

Paige: So, why are you here? Do you believe in this stuff now?
Sheldon: No. Stamp camp got canceled. Further proof there is no God.

Adult Sheldon: Children everywhere are excited by summer vacation, and I was no exception. Because instead of vacation Bible school with my sister, I was headed to the local library for a fun-filled week of postal delights otherwise known as stamp camp.
Sheldon: In 1989, they released dinosaur stamps.
Missy: No one cares.
Mary: Come on, now. He's excited. And that gets my stamp of approval.
Sheldon: I'm using that. It's going to kill at stamp camp.

Missy: Sing "Ice Ice Baby."
Pastor Jeff: Don't know it.
Missy: How about Paula Abdul?
Pastor Jeff: Nope.
Missy: Ooh! The Teenage Mutant Ninja theme.

Mary: Come on, Shelly. It's a space theme. Isn't that fun?
Sheldon: Jesus was a carpenter, not an astronaut.
Missy: Maybe he built the rocket.
Sheldon: What would he use for fuel?
Missy: [distracted] Ooh, doughnut holes.

Sheldon: Paige, look how close this pushpin is to this balloon.
Paige: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: It could pop at any moment. I bet that drives you cra- [Paige pops the balloon]

Dale: Georgie, did I ever... tell you why I got married so young?
George Jr.: You were in love?
Dale: No, because, when I was your age, I bought a similar vehicle.
George Jr.: Cool. What was it?
Dale: Just get dressed.
George Jr.: Okay.

Sheldon: Go get me a beer, woman.
Paige: What?
Sheldon: It infuriates my mom when my dad says it.
Paige: Sheldon, stop. You can't upset me.
Sheldon: Why not?
Paige: Because there are things in my life that are way worse than anything that you can come up with.
Sheldon: You mean your parents splitting up.
Paige: Obviously.
Sheldon: I think I know how to irritate you. I bet you think the divorce is all your fault and now your family is torn apart forever. Did I do it? Did I get under your skin? [Paige clenches her first]

Sheldon: Paige, a sprig of my hair is askew. Upsetting, isn't it?
Paige: No.
Sheldon: But it's going a different direction from all the other hairs.
Paige: So?
Sheldon: You think it's fun irritating me? I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine. Ha.

Adult Sheldon: That night, my brother turned a ratty old van into his chariot of love. Romance was in the air.
Mr. Boggs: Hey.
George Jr.: Oh. Hey, Mr. Boggs. I-I'm just here to pick up Jana.
Mr. Boggs: You think you're taking my daughter out in this?
George Jr.: No worries. I'll have her home by 11:00.
Mr. Boggs: [exhales] [grabs the door handle]
George Jr.: Ooh. I wouldn't open that.
Mr. Boggs: Move. [exhales]
[As Mr. Boggs looks inside Georgie's newly furnished van, complete with twinkle lights and a lava lamp, his eyes are drawn towards the freshly-made bed.]
George Jr.: It's got a mini fridge.
[later:]
George Jr.: I thought about what you said. I'm returning the van. Good night.

Pastor Jeff: Next question. For a John the Baptist pencil topper, where did Jesus perform his first miracle? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: A wedding.
Pastor Jeff: [chuckles] Correct!
Sheldon: Aren't you even going to try?
Paige: Nope.
Sheldon: Why won't you compete with me?
Paige: Because it's fun watching you get upset.
Sheldon: What's fun about it?
Missy: [raises hand] Everything.

Pastor Jeff: Okay, campers! Bible trivia time. For a Noah's Ark rain poncho, what was Peter's original name? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Peter's original name was Simon.
Pastor Jeff: Correct!
Sheldon: You didn't know that one, did you?
Paige: Yes, I did. He was also known as Cephas.
Sheldon: Then why didn't you raise your hand?
Paige: 'Cause I don't care.

George Jr.: [o.s.] Get it off! Get it off!
Mary: What was that?
George Jr.: It's in my hair!
George Sr.: Not my problem.
George Jr.: It's in my hair! It's in my hair!

Sheldon: Judah was the father of Perez and Zerah by Tamar, Perez was the father of Hezron, and Hezron was the father of Ram.
George Sr.: Why's he reading the Bible?
Sheldon: To humiliate and destroy Paige at Bible camp.
Mary: That.

Mary: You're really making him live out there?
George Sr.: He's not gonna last one night in that nasty thing.
Mary: Have you seen that boy's room?

Paige: Look at these suckers trying to compete for a stupid bookmark.
Sheldon: They probably don't even know psalm 100.
Paige: Or what a book is.

Paige: What do you think the prize is? We get to go home?
Sheldon: Is the joke that leaving would be a reward?
Paige: Yes.
Sheldon: I get that joke. [smirks]

Sheldon: Your mother lets you wear lipstick?
Paige: Of course not.
Sheldon: Interesting. Does she know you're leading a double life?
Paige: Grow up.
Sheldon: Why do you think you're rebelling against parental authority?
Paige: Isn't it obvious? I'm having a textbook reaction to their divorce.
Sheldon: What textbook? Did you get it from the library?

George Jr.: I did it. I bought a car.
George Sr.: Really? You got the Mustang?
George Jr.: I was fixing to, but then something else caught my eye.
George Sr.: You did something dumb.

Sheldon: Why did your mom make you?
Paige: Punishment. I got caught with cigarettes.
Sheldon: Why would you want to smoke?
Paige: To look older.
Sheldon: My meemaw smokes. I guess it works.