Missy: You have a calculator I can borrow?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm using it.
Missy: No, you're not.
Sheldon: [Sheldon taps his head] Why do you need a calculator?
Missy: I'm trying to figure out what to spend my money on. What are you gonna do with yours?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I'm dipping my toe in the exciting world of the stock market by purchasing three shares of RadioShack.
Missy: Why?
Sheldon: Well, as a shareholder, I'll be partial owner of my very favorite company. See, when companies go public, they sell shares of stock...
Missy: I'll just buy my own calculator.

Principal Petersen: Our next young speaker needs no introduction, but that didn't stop him from writing one and making me read it. [laughter] "Fun fact." [audience groans, murmurs] I hear you. "The word 'valedictorian' is from the Latin 'valedicere,' meaning 'to say farewell.' It is primarily used in the United States, Canada, the Philippines and Armenia." Maybe that fact's more fun in Armenia. Please welcome your valedictorian, Sheldon Cooper.
Mary: Yay, Shelly!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm not very comfortable speaking in front of crowds. But there's a technique to reduce stage fright by focusing on one person in the audience and delivering your speech just to them. That's what I'll be doing today. If it weren't for this person, I wouldn't be here right now. They've taught me a lot, and it's by their example that I found the courage to move forward into this new and exciting chapter of my life. Missy... ...this is for you. Change can be scary, but I know we're going to be fine... ...because like you said, "It's okay to be scared. We just have to do it anyway." So if any of my fellow graduates are nervous about the future, know that you're not alone. I suggest you all try to be as brave as my twin sister. That's my plan. Missy, I wish I could give you advice about middle school, but I was so smart, I skipped it. If you make it to high school, we'll talk. Thank you. [applause]

Missy: What's it like to not believe in God?
Sheldon: It's great. Big fan.
Missy: Are you ever afraid you're wrong?
Sheldon: About religion? Never. About other things? Also never.

Ms. MacElroy: Now, can anyone tell me why Melville shifts the narrative voice from Ishmael to Ahab? [Ms. MacElroy waits for somebody else to raise their hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: I have a tummyache. I'd like to see the nurse.
Derek: A "tummyache"?
Sheldon: Yes, Derek, I have a tummy and it aches. Ergo, tummyache.
Derek: Ergo?
Sheldon: It's Latin, Derek.
Ms. MacElroy: Go to the nurse.
Sheldon: And to answer your question, the shifting point of view grants the reader a broader perspective of events than typically allowed by first-person narration.
Ms. MacElroy: Where were we?
Sheldon: And "ergo" is Latin for "hence," Derek.

Adult Sheldon: Today I thought we could talk about relationships, so I've invited my lovely wife Amy to help.
Amy: Thanks for letting me join in.
Adult Sheldon: Are you jealous when I do this without you?
Amy: No.
Adult Sheldon: Because one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships is jealousy. Now, Amy, did you know jealousy is triggered in the left part of the cerebral cortex?
Amy: I'm sorry, are you about to explain neuroscience to your wife, the Nobel Prize-winning neuroscientist?
Adult Sheldon: Yes. Jealous?
Amy: I'll tell you when there isn't a microphone in front of us.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, mystery. That'll keep a relationship on its toes.
Amy: Your bathroom schedule is on the refrigerator. We have no mystery.
Adult Sheldon: Moving on, physical intimacy. I believe I said "physical intimacy," [title card changes] which can pose another challenge in relationships.
Amy: Especially when one partner doesn't want to be intimate as frequently as the other.
Adult Sheldon: Ooh, who are we talking about? [stammers] Don't tell me. Let the mystery continue.
Amy: Just read the next one.

Adult Sheldon: Money is a frequent source of conflict in a relationship.
Amy: Thankfully that's never been a problem for us.
Adult Sheldon: Says the woman who took away my comic book allowance.
Amy: Uh, to start a college fund for our children.
Adult Sheldon: Comic books are an investment.
Amy: There are better places to invest our money than that weird wolf man you like.
Adult Sheldon: His name is Wolverine and you know it.
Amy: Okay we're off on a tangent. I'm taking over. Money can be a source of conflict in a relationship, even having too much.
Adult Sheldon: Wh... Hey, this is my story.
Amy: I know. Jealous?

Missy: I'm gonna bring a bunch to school.
George Jr.: How much you gonna charge for it?
Missy: Nothing. They're my friends.
George Jr.: You think Ronald McDonald let his friends eat for free?
Missy: Ronald McDonald isn't real.