Adult Sheldon: My mother eventually coaxed me back into a car with a trip to RadioShack. She knew I was nervous so she came up with an interesting distraction.
Mary: Baby, how about we play a car game?
Sheldon: I suppose. Can I make it science-based?
Mary: Sure.
Sheldon: I'll say an element starting with "A," then you repeat that and add one starting with "B."
Mary: I don't think I'll get very far.
Sheldon: Great. Then I'll win. Aluminum.
Mary: Okay, uh, you said "A" for aluminum. "B." Is boron an element?
Sheldon: Yes.
Adult Sheldon: It was the beginning of a new tradition. One that would eventually bring countless hours of joy to Leonard on our drives to work. Much like my mother, he never beat me.
Mary: I don't know an element that starts with "D."
Sheldon: I win. That was fun. Round two. Argon.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] So, there's no one who can lend you a car?
Meemaw: There is the church shuttle, but that just feels like it's the end of the line.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh, I wouldn't say that. There's all sorts of depressing steps before the end. You've got full-time nursing care.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Assisted living.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Hospice.
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Life support.
Meemaw: Bye, John!
Dr. John Sturgis: Pulling the plug. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Bye, John.
Dr. John Sturgis: Then... you make a miraculous recovery!
Meemaw: Great!
Dr. John Sturgis: But... the hospital bills leave you destitute!
Meemaw: Bye.
Dr. John Sturgis: Bye.

Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Oh, my goodness. Was anyone hurt?
Meemaw: No. But now I got no car for a while.
Dr. John Sturgis: You could ride your bike.
Meemaw: An old lady on a bike? That's not cool.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? Then I won't ask how I look on one.
Meemaw: You look great.
Dr. John Sturgis: I know. I just wanted to hear you say it. [Meemaw chuckles]

Meemaw: Tell me, when was the last time you went and got all dolled up at a salon?
Doris: I don't even remember.
Hortense: It's been years.
Vern: Does it look like I go to a salon?
Meemaw: We're going now. I'm gonna take you, and it's on me.
Vern: This is exciting. [laughter] It's a good thing I got my heart pills.

George Sr.: Tow truck's on the way.
Mary: You sure we shouldn't call an ambulance?
Meemaw: I'm fine. Sheldon?
Sheldon: I feel fine.
George Sr.: What happened?
Meemaw: Oh, a cat ran in front of me.
George Sr.: You couldn't stop?
Meemaw: I tried, but the brake just gave out.
Mary: Well, thank goodness it wasn't worse.
Meemaw: I should have aimed for the cat.

Mary: [answers phone] Hello.
President Hagemeyer: Hi. This is Linda Hagemeyer from the university. Is this Mrs. Cooper?
Mary: Yes, it is.
President Hagemeyer: Excellent. Did the Strawberry Quik arrive?
Mary: As a matter of fact, it did.
President Hagemeyer: Sounds like nasty stuff, but, hey, whatever floats the little guy's boat, right?

Mary: Can I help you?
Chet: Grocery delivery for Sheldon Cooper?
Mary: What is it?
Chet: Looks like milk, straws and three cans of Strawberry Quik.
Sheldon: Oh, boy. Thank you. [to Mary] Would you tip him? I'm a little light.

Meemaw: I just think it'd kill me to lose my independence like that.
Hortense: Oh, it's not so bad. Sometimes Clayton takes us to the park.
Vern: Like dogs.
Meemaw: I got places to go... Bowling league, water aerobics, I drive my grandson to college.
Hortense: Why can't he drive himself?
Meemaw: Well, he's 11.
Hortense: Wha...?
Vern: 11 and in college?
Meemaw: He's special.
Hortense: Our grandson is 27.
Vern: Mm, he may be the other kind of special.

Missy: And then they crashed into a tree.
Darlene: Oh, no!
Missy: The engine caught fire.
Darlene: My goodness, is everyone okay?
Missy: Thankfully, yes. But I was pretty shook up.
Darlene: Well, don't worry about that test today.
Missy: Thank you for understanding.
Darlene: Mm-hmm.
Missy: Oh, and where are we on homework tonight?
Darlene: Don't push it.
Missy: Right.

Dr. Linkletter: [on the phone] One can choose the extended-zone scheme, the reduced-zone scheme or the...
Sheldon: Hand-raise.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes?
Sheldon: I set you up on speakerphone, so now it's really like I'm learning in the future.
Dr. Linkletter: May I continue?
Sheldon: Ahead warp factor five. That's from Star Trek, which is also in the future.

Adult Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter wouldn't give me what I wanted. I couldn't tell on him to his mommy, but I could to his "work mommy."
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon. What can I do for you?
Sheldon: I can't make it to school today, and I'm concerned about the physics class I'm missing.
President Hagemeyer: And how come you're not here?
Sheldon: I was in a car accident with my meemaw.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Sheldon: Well...
[flashback:]
Sheldon: I can't believe you'd use my traumatic experience to manipulate people.
Missy: [echoing] Really? I can.
[present:]
Sheldon: ...and then her car had to get towed away. It was quite a traumatic experience.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, you poor thing. What can I do to help?

Dr. Linkletter: [answers phone] Grant Linkletter.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, Sheldon Cooper. I wanted to let you know I won't be in class today.
Dr. Linkletter: Is everything all right?
Sheldon: Yes, but in the interest of self-preservation, I've decided to avoid traveling in motor vehicles.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sure there's a story behind that.
Sheldon: There is.
Dr. Linkletter: I don't want to hear it.
Sheldon: So, how shall we handle today's class?
Dr. Linkletter: Well, I'm sure you can get notes from another student.
Sheldon: Or you could give the lecture to me right now.
Dr. Linkletter: That's preposterous.
Sheldon: Why? We could be creating a new model of education where students could learn remotely. It could be the wave of the future.
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, it's your responsibility to come to class, not mine to bring the class to you.
Sheldon: My meemaw gets cranky like this when she's hungover. Is that what's happening here?

Meemaw: [on the phone] I don't care what your guy says. Have him check it again. [hangs up] Sorry, I'm cranky.
Dale: No problem. I like when you yell at people who aren't me.
Meemaw: Stupid mechanic said the brakes are just fine.
Dale: Well, you probably stepped on the wrong pedal.
Meemaw: I didn't.
Dale: I'm just saying, it happens with people our age, you know.
Meemaw: I've been driving my whole life. I know which pedal is which.
Dale: Now you're yelling at me.
Meemaw: Sorry.

Adult Sheldon: People often ask why I was so resistant to getting a driver's license. My spotty history with motor vehicles was certainly a factor.
[flashback: Georgie driving Sheldon and Missy to the hospital:]
Sheldon: Please slow down.
George Jr.: I'm going eight miles an hour. A cow just passed us.
Missy: You're gonna hit it!
[flashback: George driving through a car wash with Sheldon:]
Sheldon: Make it stop!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: Do something!
George Sr.: It's just a car wash.
Sheldon: We're gonna die!
George Sr.: Just a car wash.
[flashback to Sheldon on a go kart:]
Sheldon: Why did I agree to this? I don't care for this at all.

George Sr.: Looks like your car's gonna be out of commission for a while.
Mary: If you need a ride, the church offers a shuttle service.
Meemaw: I'm not getting on that geezer bus.
Mary: It's just for people who can't get around.
Meemaw: That's 'cause they're so shriveled up, they can't even see over the steering wheel.
George Sr.: I've driven that van... it is grim.

George Sr.: [to Meemaw] Hey, when you take the shuttle, bring hard candy. They gobble it up.

Mary: You see Sheldon?
Missy: [points ]That way.
George Sr.: What's going on?
Mary: He's having some sort of panic attack.
Missy: [chuckles] Oh, man. My story just keeps getting better.

What do you think about letting me borrow your truck today?
Dale: I don't know.
Meemaw: Why not?
Dale: 'Cause I like my truck.
Meemaw: Not funny.
Dale: It is. You're just cranky.
Meemaw: Fine. Maybe I'll just ride my bicycle to the salon.
Dale: You ride a bike?
Meemaw: Is that amusing to you?
Dale: An old lady riding a bike? Oh, no. [chuckles]
Meemaw: Shut up.
Dale: Okay, will do.

Sheldon: [answers phone] Cooper residence.
President Hagemeyer: Sheldon, President Hagemeyer again. Just calling to make sure it all worked out with Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Yes, everything went quite well. Although he was a tad irritable.
President Hagemeyer: Maybe because I ripped him a new one. [chuckles]
Sheldon: A new what?
President Hagemeyer: Not important. Uh, whatever you need for classes, you just say the word.
Sheldon: I suppose it could be helpful if I could dial into the university's server while still on the phone with my professors.
President Hagemeyer: Like a second phone line? We can take care of that.
Sheldon: Well, as my meemaw would say, "Aren't you just a spoonful of sugar?"
[meanwhile:]
Mary: [busy tone droning] Who is he talking to all this time?
[back:]
President Hagemeyer: And if there's anything else you need, you just let me know.
Sheldon: I can't think of anything except that I wanted Strawberry Quik and my brother put the empty milk carton back in the fridge.
President Hagemeyer: Ah, brothers, they're the worst. Mine's an environmental activist. [Sheldon groans]

Mary: I can't get him in the car.
George Sr.: So what now?
Mary: So he's not going to school.
Missy: You know, on The A-Team, Mr. T is afraid to fly, and they give him special milk to put him to sleep.
George Sr.: Ooh.
Mary: No!
Missy: Aw.

Missy: I can't believe you and Meemaw almost died tonight.
Sheldon: I wouldn't say we almost died.
Missy: Well, that's what I'm saying at school tomorrow.
Sheldon: Why?
Missy: It's called good storytelling.
Sheldon: But it's lying.
Missy: They don't know that.
Sheldon: You weren't even in the car.
Missy: Doesn't matter. Shay McElheney's dad had a kidney stone... she got out of homework for a week.
Sheldon: I can't believe you'd use my traumatic experience to manipulate people.
Missy: Really? I can.
Hey, did the engine catch fire?
Sheldon: No!
Missy: You're in shock. You don't know what happened.

Mary: I saw a truck outside. What's wrong with the phone?
Sheldon: Nothing. [drill whirrs] Adding a second line.
Lucas: I'm almost done here. Just got to hop up on the roof.
Mary: Hold on. You can't just add another phone line without asking.
Sheldon: I didn't do it. The university did.
Mary: Why would they do that?
Sheldon: I asked them to.
Lucas: Are you some sort of special kid?
Sheldon: You have no idea.
Mary: Shouldn't you be up on the roof?

Vern: Sarah did a real nice job on my cuticles.
Hortense: Yeah.
Meemaw: So where we headed next? And don't say dinner.
Hortense: Oh, but it's almost 4:00.
Doris: What?!
Hortense: [loudly] It's almost 4:00.
Doris: Ooh, dinnertime.
Meemaw: Just get in.
Hortense: Ooh. She's like a muscle man.

Mary: [on the phone] Listen, I appreciate that you value Sheldon at your school.
President Hagemeyer: Love him.
Mary: But I am trying to raise him to be a well-rounded individual who will get in a car.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Academia draws all kinds of eccentrics. Yeah, we've got a biology professor who hasn't cut his nails in years. Ugh. Looks like Edward Scissorhands.
Mary: That is not what I want for my son. [sighs] Do you have children?
President Hagemeyer: No, but thanks for bringing it up.
Mary: Anyway, I would like Sheldon to function in society, and it does not help if you give him everything that he asks for.
President Hagemeyer: I'm just doing my job.
Mary: And I am just doing mine.
President Hagemeyer: Understood.
Mary: Thank you.
President Hagemeyer: Oh, and, um, in a few minutes, my assistant is gonna be dropping off a big old basket of Star Trek tapes. [chuckles] I'm afraid it's too late for me to pump the brakes on that one.

Mary: [answers phone] First Baptist of Medford. How may I bless you?
Meemaw: I thought Peg answered the phones.
Mary: Mom?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Mary: Something I can help you with?
Meemaw: No, it can wait.
Mary: You want the number to the shuttle, don't you?
Meemaw: [sighs] Yes.
Mary: Let me get that for you. Huh. Um, looking under "G" for "geezer bus," and it's not there.
Meemaw: Oh, that's hilarious.
Mary: Maybe it's under "O" for "old fogies."
Meemaw: You know, you're not being a very Christian person right now.
Mary: I have enough prayers in the bank, I can coast for a day.
Meemaw: Just give me the number!
Mary: All right. Now, remember when you call to let them know if you need any help getting up stairs.

Meemaw: So, I was singing karaoke with my girlfriend who used to be married to the guy I'm currently dating.
Doris: What the heck is a karaoke?
Meemaw: It's when you stand up and sing in front of everybody at the bar.
Vern: You're like a Las Vegas showgirl. [Hortense laughs]
Meemaw: Oh, no, no, anybody can do it. I'll take you sometime.
Vern: Oh, please. Can we?
Hortense: Well, could I sing "Blue Suede Shoes"?
Meemaw: You bet.
Vern: You better turn your hearing aid down for that one.
Doris: You got that right.

Mary: You can't just ask the university for things.
Sheldon: President Hagemeyer seemed so happy to help. Why rob her of that?
Mary: Sheldon, you are going to have to get in a car again eventually.
Sheldon: It's not looking like it. [doorbell rings]
Mary: This isn't over.

Edwin: Hey, Connie. Waiting for the mail?
Meemaw: Yeah. You know me.
Edwin: Yeah. Oh. Something from Publishers Clearing House. Maybe you won.
Meemaw: Yeah, wouldn't that be something?
Edwin: Yeah. You know, people think Publishers Clearing House is Ed McMahon, but that's actually a different company.
Meemaw: Is that so?
Edwin: Yeah. Publishers Clearing House is the Prize Patrol with the giant check. Ed McMahon...
Meemaw: Well, it sure is nice talking to you, Edwin. Bye.
Edwin: Oh. The church van. My grandma rides that sometimes.
Meemaw: Edwin.
Edwin: Hmm?
Meemaw: Beat it.
Edwin: All right. Yep.

Mary: What's going on?
Sheldon: I can't do it.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: What if there's another crash?
Mary: Baby, that's not gonna happen again.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Mary: Sheldon, if you don't get in right now, you're going to miss school.
Sheldon: [sighs] True. [enters car]
Mary: I know you don't believe in it, but I'm gonna say an extra special prayer right now to keep us safe. Lord, please look after me and Sheldon on our drive to school... [door opens] [sighs] I'll get back to you.

Clayton: Hey, I'm just gonna run Doris into the bank. We'll be back in a minute. [Doris is walking off] Doris. Whoa. [closes van door]
Hortense: You seem like you can get around, so why are you in this geezer-buggy?
Meemaw: I had a little car accident.
Hortense: Oh, no.
Vern: Ooh. Anybody get hurt?
Meemaw: Only the tree.
Vern: Step on the wrong pedal?
Meemaw: No. Maybe.
Hortense: Maybe, my ass.
Vern: Hey, that sort of thing happens.
Hortense: Oh. He drove into all kinds of stuff before they took his keys away.
Vern: [chuckles] Remember the goose?
Hortense: Ooh.
Vern: Feathers everywhere.

Dr. Linkletter: [on the phone] If you turn to page 78 in the textbook, I'll begin today's lecture.
Sheldon: [gasps] We should come up with some kind of video system so you can see when I raise my hand.
Dr. Linkletter: Why don't you just tell me?
Sheldon: Let's try it. Hand-raise.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, Sheldon.
Sheldon: That worked great.

Vern: Vern.
Meemaw: Connie.
Vern: Where you headed, Connie?
Hortense: Stop flirting with her.
Vern: I'm not flirting with her. I was being cordial.
Hortense: Mm-hmm. I'm Hortense, his wife, which, clearly, he seems to have forgotten.
Vern: Judas Priest, give it a rest.
Hortense: That's Doris.
Meemaw: Hello, Doris.
Doris: What?
Vern: Turn on your hearing aid.
Meemaw: It's nice to meet y'all. And to answer your question, I'm headed to the salon.
Hortense: Oh, fancy. We're headed to the pharmacy.
Vern: Seven pills a day.
Hortense: You take nine... Clearly one ain't working.
Doris: Okay, I'm on. What'd I miss?
Hortense: She's headed to the salon!
Doris: Ooh, fancy.

Clayton: Connie Tucker?
Meemaw: Yeah.
Clayton: Give me one second. I'll help you in.
Meemaw: No, no, I don't need your help. I can get it myself.
Hortense: She opened that door by herself.
Vern: Looks like we got a feisty one.
Meemaw: Don't test me.
Hortense: Oh, yeah, she's feisty.
Doris: What?
Hortense & Vern: She's feisty! [Meemaw closes the van door]
Doris: What?

Mary: Baby, you can't go the rest of your life never getting in a car again.
Sheldon: Before cars were invented, people did it all the time.
Mary: [sighs] Well, I'm not gonna force you.
Sheldon: Thank you.