Meemaw: Okay, I'm here. What's up?
George Sr.: Sheldon won't get out of bed, and I'm gonna be late for work. He's gonna be late for school.
Meemaw: So you want me to get him up and drive him?
George Sr.: Yeah.
Meemaw: I like it better when I just come eat your food and leave.

Adult Sheldon: Nihilists believe that there's no point to anything, because it all ends in nothingness.
Missy: Mind if I put on MTV?
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. We're all gonna die anyway.
Missy: Deep thought, dingus.

Meemaw: Shelly, Dr. Sturgis is on the line for you.
Sheldon: Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but very well. [takes phone] Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: [on the phone] Hi, Sheldon. I hear you're going through some sort of existential crisis.
Sheldon: I suppose so. I just don't know if we can tell what's real or not. And if nothing's real, I don't know what to think or if I'm even thinking at all.
Dr. John Sturgis: I went through something similar once.
Sheldon: Really? What happened?
Dr. John Sturgis: I was trekking through the Amazon, and I saw two frogs, one hallucinogenic and the other not. [chuckles] I tried to lick the normal one, and, by mistake, I licked the hallucinogenic one. It really rocked my world.
Sheldon: Why would you lick either of them?
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm not sure. Probably low blood sugar. But the point is, I also lost track of reality.
Sheldon: How did you handle it?
Dr. John Sturgis: I saw a jaguar, and I realized I didn't care if it was real or not. I just hauled my tushy out of there.
Sheldon: I appreciate the call. I'm giving you back to my meemaw now.
Dr. John Sturgis: Bye!
Meemaw: [quietly on the phone] Hey, John, any luck?
Dr. John Sturgis: Not unless you have access to a jaguar.
Meemaw: I don't think I do.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really, any jungle cat will do.

Adult Sheldon: While my meemaw wasn't able to acquire a jungle cat, the idea of tormenting a child did tickle her Texan fancy.
Meemaw: [singsong] Sheldon. [chicken clucking] I have someone else who wants to talk to you.
Sheldon: What are you doing with that filthy thing?
Meemaw: Why do you care? If nothing is real, then neither is the chicken. [Sheldon jumps out of bed] Oh. Good. We're standing now. That's progress.
Sheldon: Get her out of here.
Meemaw: Well, I would, but... [chuckles] apparently, I can't know what "here" is. So maybe I could just... set her on your bed.
Sheldon: Okay! Okay. I'll get dressed.
Meemaw: Make it snappy.
Sheldon: This still doesn't solve my existential crisis.
Meemaw: Say what? You want to hold her?
Sheldon: [gasps] No.
Meemaw: Less talk. More pants.

Meemaw: What's this philosophy teacher's name?
Sheldon: Professor Ericson. Why?
Meemaw: I might pop in and say hello.
Sheldon: Be careful. She may make you question your most deeply held values.
Meemaw: I'm a stubborn old crank. I'll do just fine.
Sheldon: I'm a stubborn young crank, and it didn't help me.

Adult Sheldon: To figure out which school of philosophy suited me best, I decided to sample each one. The same way I determined my favorite flavor of oatmeal... Plain.

Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I don't know if you thought this through, but you're here on a physics scholarship, and switching to philosophy may not be well-received.
Sheldon: Ordinarily, I'd be concerned, but I'm currently embracing hedonism. [eats a candy from Linkletter's jar]
Dr. Linkletter: Sheldon, I've been made responsible for you, and so far, it's not going very well. You were admitted to this university for your scientific acumen. And changing majors could have serious repercussions. [Sheldon blows bubbles] Son, please try to understand. If you abandon physics for philosophy, [Sheldon blows a big bubble] [fades out] You're gonna be missing out on the opportunity to be part of something great. Possibly...
Adult Sheldon: As Dr. Linkletter prattled on, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of that ephemeral bubble. I wondered if perhaps we're all just bubbles, being buffeted through life on a stream of currents beyond our understanding. Look at it. The local minimization achieves a global maximization, and it's nearly perfect. I wondered if this was the key to the smoothness of matter in the universe. The cosmic web of stars and galaxies could hold it together like the web of polymers in soap! This could be a whole new area of research.
Dr. Linkletter: Changing majors would be a huge mistake, but if this is what you really want, here you go. Sheldon?
Sheldon: What?
Dr. Linkletter: Here you go. Good luck with philosophy.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm back on science now. I have work to do. [exits]

[Sheldon sits on the top of the couch with his feet on the cushion]
Missy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm practicing the philosophy of cynicism... The ancient Greek view that the rules of society should be ignored.
Missy: If you're gonna break rules, you can do better than that.
Sheldon: How?
[Missy pushes Sheldon off the couch]

George Sr.: Well, in my family, we don't quit.
Coach Wilkins: Oh, I don't know. You quit my book club pretty quick.
George Sr.: I'm talking about football!
Coach Wilkins: Why is it so important to you that he play?
George Sr.: Are you sure you're a coach? Team sports provides confidence, leadership, discipline.
Coach Wilkins: So does holding down a job, which he seems to shine at.
George Sr.: Let's just eat in silence.
Coach Wilkins: Fine. I still think you should have read The Color Purple. We were bawling.

Adult Sheldon: Traditionalism is the philosophy that the best way of life is a return to the past.
George Jr.: What are you doing?
Sheldon: [shaking a jar] Making my own butter, like in olden times.
George Jr.: That's stupid.
Adult Sheldon: My arms are still sore.

Adult Sheldon: Altruism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to others.
[Sheldon lays down a plate of crackers in front of Missy]
Sheldon: These are for you.
Missy: Thanks.
[Sheldon takes the plate and walks away]
Missy: What the hell?!
Adult Sheldon: Egoism is the belief that we should live only by bringing happiness to ourselves.
Sheldon: [eats] Mmm. These are pretty good.

Sheldon: It's funny. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed, and now I stand before a whole new exciting field of study.
Meemaw: Well, maybe instead of making this big switch, you could study both. You could be physics-philosophy guy.
Sheldon: You sound like a logical positivist. That's a branch of philosophy that maintains the best way to philosophize is through science.
Meemaw: Well, there you go. Do that.
Sheldon: It may be too early to specialize. I've only been a philosopher for 15 minutes.
Meemaw: Did you notice Dr. Linkletter didn't look too thrilled about you leaving science?
Sheldon: He never looks thrilled about anything. I think that's just his face. [Meemaw turns to look at Sheldon] That's the face.

Professor Ericson: [to Sheldon] Hey. How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?
Sheldon: If I can't know what's real, what's the point?
Professor Ericson: You have the right words. You're just saying them wrong. It's not, [shrugs] "What's the point?" It's, "What's the point?"
Sheldon: I don't understand.
Professor Ericson: Asking these questions is exciting. It's what gets me out of bed.
Sheldon: That's interesting. Richard Feynman did say the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of finding things out.
Meemaw: Feynman... He's the physics guy, right?
Dr. Linkletter: [quietly] Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
Sheldon: It's all making sense to me now. Thank you.
Professor Ericson: I am happy to help.
Sheldon: Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class and switching my major to philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Uh, what?

George Sr.: And then Georgie accuses me of hating my job. Is this where I thought I'd end up? No. Is this where you thought you'd end up?
Coach Wilkins: I thought I'd be working at my father's funeral home sewing people's eyes shut. My life turned out great.
George Sr.: Well, good for you. [laughs] The worst part is, I think Georgie's right.
Principal Petersen: You're not happy at work?
Coach Wilkins: I can see if my dad's hiring. How are your sewing skills?
George Sr.: It's not work. [sighs] Honestly, I don't know if I'm happy anywhere.
Principal Petersen: Ugh. When I asked y'all to hang for a drink, I didn't know you were gonna be such a bummer. [laughs] Geez Louise.

Meemaw: Hi. I'm Connie Tucker. I'm Sheldon Cooper's grandmother.
Professor Ericson: Oh. Nice to meet you. He is a remarkable young man.
Meemaw: Yes, he is. He's also a very impressionable young man. Kind of like a lump of clay with a bow tie.
Professor Ericson: All I did was teach him about epistemology.
Meemaw: Whatever it is you're teaching him, it has made him question everything.
Professor Ericson: That's the goal.
Meemaw: Lady, I had to threaten him with a chicken so he'd put his pants on.

Dr. Linkletter: So, according to de Broglie, lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times what? [Sheldon raises his hand] Sheldon.
Sheldon: Is it velocity?
Dr. Linkletter: Yes. Now...
Sheldon: Or is it a velociraptor?
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Perhaps lambda equals "h" divided by "m" times a velociraptor. Or a velveteen rabbit. Ooh, or Velveeta. That's the cheese my mom puts on broccoli when she's being fancy.
Dr. Linkletter: Is this from your philosophy class or perhaps that Ren & Stumpy I've heard about?
Sheldon: Philosophy.
Dr. Linkletter: Mr. Cooper, do you really believe that de Broglie's equation contains Velveeta cheese?
Sheldon: I don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be fancy.

Meemaw: What's your first class?
Sheldon: Solid-State Physics at 11:30.
Meemaw: We'll make it just in time.
Sheldon: Although, does...
Meemaw: And before you say. "Does time even exist?" it does. So stop wasting mine.

George Sr.: All right, what's the problem here?
Sheldon: I don't know what's real.
George Sr.: That's a fun thing to think about on the way to school. Get up and get dressed.
Sheldon: Maybe I'm already dressed. Maybe I'm wearing a zoot suit and spats. That's a shoe covering that's short for "spatterdasher." Or is it? There's no way to know.
George Sr.: Here's what I know: I don't have time for this nonsense.
Sheldon: What is time? What is sense? What is "is"?
George Sr.: Sheldon, I mean it.
Sheldon: I remember when things meant things.
George Sr.: All right, I'm gonna count to three. One...
Sheldon: Believing in numbers... That takes me back.
George Sr.: Two...
Sheldon: To be or not to be. Shakespeare was onto something.
George Sr.: It's your last chance.
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered if you're the tongue of a multidimensional being trying to taste something you can never even understand? I have.

Meemaw: Hey, Moon Pie. What's going on here?
Sheldon: That's an excellent question. Too bad there's no answer.
Meemaw: Well, you need to get out of bed.
Sheldon: I don't need to do anything.
Meemaw: Okay, I'm gonna count to three.
Sheldon: Dad already counted to three.
Meemaw: Oh. Did he try the Texas thing?
Sheldon: No.
Meemaw: In that case, look at you, lyin' there. When a Texan gets knocked off a horse, he gets right back on. That is the second most important thing about bein' a Texan, right after thinkin' you're better than everybody else.
Sheldon: Maybe the horse gets back on the Texan. Who's to say?
Meemaw: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: That's because you can't know anything. If you need to stare at the ceiling and contemplate the futility of existence, Missy's bed is available.

George Sr.: I talked to him. Where is your mother?
Missy: She had to leave for work.
George Sr.: I have to work, too.
Missy: You also get to take me to school.
George Sr.: What am I supposed to do about your brother?
Missy: Call me old-fashioned, but I say spank him.
George Sr.: Your mom won't let me.

Coach Wilkins: Amazing.
George Sr.: What is?
Coach Wilkins: I've been using this same pen for seven months, and it's still going.
George Sr.: That's your bar for amazing?
Coach Wilkins: Yeah.
George Sr.: Sad.
Coach Wilkins: It's the same pen. [phone rings]
George Sr.: It is too early in the morning for you.
George Sr.: [answers phone] Hello. Yeah. I'll be down in a bit.
Coach Wilkins: Where ya headed?
George Sr.: Principal's office.
Coach Wilkins: Ooh, you're in trouble...
George Sr.: You're a child.
Coach Wilkins: [laughs] I'd rather be a child than in trouble.

[Sheldon shows Billy the sketch he drew of him:]
Billy Sparks: I'm beautiful.

Adult Sheldon: Transcendentalists were philosophers who believed that our deepest connection is with nature.
Sheldon: Eh.

George Sr.: I don't know what's gotten into that kid.
Coach Wilkins: He's allowed to not want to play football.
George Sr.: Can you for once in your life take my side, Wayne?
Coach Wilkins: Not my fault you're never right.

Adult Sheldon: Renaissance humanism is finding meaning in the human form through art.
Billy Sparks: Can I move?
Sheldon: No.
Billy Sparks: But my butt itches.
Sheldon: Scratch it on your own time.

George Sr.: Why the hell weren't you at practice?
George Jr.: Can't talk right now. I'm working.
George Sr.: Well, you're gonna talk about it.
George Jr.: What do you want from me? I don't want to play football. I want to work.
George Sr.: You have your whole life to hold down a job.
George Jr.: Hey, I like my job. It's not my problem you hate yours.
George Sr.: ... Do whatever you want. [walks out]

Dr. Linkletter: Professor Ericson, I insist that you speak to this young man and explain to him that reality is real, and it's possible to know things as fact.
Professor Ericson: The class is called "Introduction to Philosophy." That's what I did.
Meemaw: Well, un-introduce him.
Dr. Linkletter: Yes, he's at this school 'cause of his brilliant scientific mind, and he spent my last class talking about processed cheese.
Meemaw: Sheldon, is that true?
Sheldon: Nothing's true.
Dr. Linkletter: You see what you've done? You broke him.

Professor Ericson: It's fairly normal for first-time philosophy students to have their worldviews shaken.
Meemaw: Do they snap out of it?
Professor Ericson: Well, you hope.
Dr. Linkletter: [enters] Professor Ericson, I insist... Hello, Connie. What a pleasant surprise.
Meemaw: Hey.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm sorry you're about to see me speak harshly to my colleague.
Meemaw: Have at it.

Dr. Linkletter: Although tasty, a brick of cheese is not a number. Why are we still talking about this?
Sheldon: Maybe we're not talking at all.
Dr. Linkletter: Okay, that's enough for today.
Sheldon: Not your best lecture.

George Jr.: Is this gonna take long? I need to get to class.
George Sr.: From what I hear, you don't care about that. Now, sit. [Georgie sits] What the hell you doin'?
George Jr.: I cut a class. Who cares?
George Sr.: It was more than one, and I care. You start flunking out, you're gonna get kicked off the team.
George Jr.: Fine.
George Sr.: Now you don't care about football?
George Jr.: Not really.
George Sr.: I don't know what's going on with you, but you better get your head out of your ass.
George Jr.: Football's a waste of time. I have a job I could be at.
George Sr.: You made a commitment to the team and you're gonna honor it.
George Jr.: [exhales] We done?
George Sr.: Just get back to class. And I better see you at practice.
George Jr.: Well, I don't know if I can find it with my head up my ass.

George Sr.: Sheldon's not here anymore. Thought it'd be a while before I got called back into the principal's office.
Principal Petersen: [exhales] How's he doing? I miss that kid.
George Sr.: He took a philosophy class and won't get out of bed 'cause he doesn't know what's real anymore.
Principal Petersen: Anyway, uh... We need to talk about Georgie.
George Sr.: Should've seen that coming. What's wrong?
Principal Petersen: Well, he's been cutting classes.
George Sr.: Already? Semester's barely started.
Principal Petersen: He's a go-getter.
George Sr.: Mm. I'll talk to him.
Principal Petersen: Thanks. How's the team looking this year, George?
George Sr.: [grunts] We just had one difficult conversation, Tom. Let's not have another.
Principal Petersen: Smart.