Mary: So, you're Catholic?
Mandy: I'm not really anything.
Mary: But you'll be raising this child with some sort of religious upbringing.
Mandy: [chuckles] I haven't really thought about it.
Mary: Well, that's one of the things we can help with, starting with grace.
George Jr.: Mom...
Mary: We're starting with grace! [all hold hands] Heavenly Father...
Mandy: Why not heavenly mother?
George Jr.: [whispers] Don't, just don't.
Mary: Heavenly Father, bless this food and the hands that prepared it. And thank you for bringing Mandy into our family and watch over this child as he or she grows and becomes a God-fearin' Baptist, amen.
George Sr.: Amen.
Meemaw: Smooth.

Sheldon: Regardless, I'm not interested in making any more friends.
Mary: Oh, I don't think that's how you really feel.
Sheldon: It is. From now on, it's a hermit's life for me.
Mary: I bet, when you grow up, you will be surrounded by lots of smart, wonderful friends.
Sheldon: I can't see that happening.

Sheldon: Mom, when should I be expecting my testicles?
Woman: [turns around] What is wrong with him?
Mary: Nothing is wrong with him. Now turn around before I knock your lights out.
Sheldon: Hello.

Mary: Sheldon Lee Cooper, if you don't finish that pork chop, I swear I will chew it up and spit it in your mouth like a mama bird.
Missy: Do it, Mom. Do it.

George Sr.: You ever stop to think maybe she doesn't want to marry a 17-year-old?
Mary: He'll be 18 in March.
George Sr.: All right, you're just being ridiculous. [goes back inside]
Mary: I'm being a Christian.
[After Mary walks over and knocks on the garage door, a dozy Georgie opens it]
Mary: When you were born, you were a gift from God but that does not change the fact that I am very mad at you!
George Jr.: All right. [closes door]

Mary: When do we get to sit down with her and talk this through?
George Jr.: Ah, yeah, here's the thing about that: she ain't real eager to meet y'all.
Mary: Why not?
Meemaw: Did you want to meet George's parents when he knocked you up?
Mary: I was not "knocked up," I was with child. And he's right there. [Georgie waves to Meemaw]

George Jr.: Okay, in my defense...
Meemaw: You have no defense. You're an idiot.
George Jr.: That was a big part of my defense.