Popular Quotes
Quote from the episode The Grand Chancellor and a Den of Sin
Adult Sheldon: Once I was on the lookout for liars, I saw them everywhere.
William Shatner: [on TV] ...absolutely necessary.
Sheldon: You're not a captain. You're just an actor. Which is another word for liar.
William Shatner: [on TV] And nothing... is more important than my ship.
Sheldon: He's so darn good at it, though.
Quote from the episode A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
Mary: I got to tell you, I'm a little worried about my mother. She keeps betting on these football games, next thing you know, there's an Italian fella driving off with her pickup truck.
Quote from the episode A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
Sheldon: Starting today, I'm done helping the football team.
Tam: But if you do that, girls will no longer greet me like this. [head
Sheldon: I'll greet you like that.
Tam: It's not the same.
Quote from the episode A Patch, a Modem, and a Zantac
Dr. Hodges: Anything else?
Sheldon: Yes. I'd like a glass of water. It's time to take my Zantac.
Quote from the episode A Brisket, Voodoo, and Cannonball Run
George Jr.: This is really good, Meemaw.
Meemaw: Really good? You're spitting the best brisket in Texas all over the damn table.
Mary: Close your mouth when you eat.
Sheldon: Or aim your face the other way.
Quote from the episode Spock, Kirk, and Testicular Hernia
Mary: Sheldon. Would you like to explain this note?
George Sr.: Well?
Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.
Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
Sheldon: Ms. Hutchins, what's your religion?
Ms. Hutchins: I'm a Mormon, why?
Sheldon: I'm conducting a research project. Can you tell me about being a Mormon?
Ms. Hutchins: Well, it started in New York, when a man found gold plates buried underground. The plates said that, when we die, we get to go to our own planet. Unless you're a woman, then you have to go to your husband's planet. But that won't be a problem for me. I don't have a husband. All I have is a cat. A big, mean cat. Oh, maybe I'll get to go to his planet. Lonely Cheryl on Planet Cat.
Sheldon: I like her. She's funny.
Quote from the episode Demons, Sunday School, and Prime Numbers
One: Welcome, Sheldon.
Zero: We've been waiting for you.
Sheldon: Are you the Ten Commandments?
One: No. We are one.
Zero: And zero.
One: We are the binary code that underlies the universe.
Zero: The ten thing is a common mistake.
Quote from the episode Potato Salad, a Broomstick, and Dad's Whiskey
Meemaw: Okay, now, what are we talking about here? Sheldon is intelligent and responsible, and Missy is ... his sister.
Quote from the episode Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
Mary: Let's talk about something else. Georgie, how was your day?
George Jr.: My brother told the entire school we can't afford cable.
Mary: Oh, right. Missy?
Missy: Good, until I learned we can't afford cable.
Quote from the episode Killer Asteroids, Oklahoma, and a Frizzy Hair Machine
[Sheldon performs the splits and Mr. Lundy jumps on to a chair]
Sheldon: That looked dangerous.
Mr. Lundy: No, that looks dangerous.
Quote from the episode A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
Mary: I'll be back.
Missy: Where you going?
Mary: To give the owner of that comic book store a piece of my mind!
Missy: Cool.
Mary: And then I'm calling Heather's mom!
Missy: Aw.
Quote from the episode A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
Sheldon: Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Mary: Oh, is that right? Well, guess what. I don't care. [to Glenn] And if I catch you doing it again, I'll be back with my husband, he is way scarier than me.
Glenn: I doubt that.
Quote from the episode A Mother, a Child, and a Blue Man's Backside
George Sr.: Will you excuse me? I have to go take a cold shower.
Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
Meemaw: Let me buy you a drink, and we'll talk about this. I'm more on your side than you think.
Brenda Sparks: Somehow, I doubt that.
Meemaw: It's true. Don't you think I realize that Mary can be a bit-
Brenda Sparks: Of a self-righteous bitch?
Meemaw: I was gonna say "challenging," but sure, let's go with yours. It's got a nice rhythm.
Quote from the episode A Dog, a Squirrel, and a Fish Named Fish
Missy: I want to be just like you when I grow up.
Mary: No, you don't.
George Sr.: Pick again.
Quote from the episode Vanilla Ice Cream, Gentlemen Callers, and a Dinette Set
Dr. John Sturgis: Your feelings are understandable. Connie is a remarkable woman.
Ira Rosenbloom: Yes, she is. But, again, I'm sorry. I should never have called you weird. I mean, eh, it was rude.
Dr. John Sturgis: I've been called much worse. A professor once called me ostrobogulous. I had to look that one up.
Ira Rosenbloom: What's it mean?
Dr. John Sturgis: That I'm a weirdo.
Quote from the episode A Financial Secret and Fish Sauce
Mary: Hey, have you noticed anything off with Sheldon?
George Sr.: Uh, no, no, no. Can't say that I have. Why?
Mary: He's been awful quiet, and, at the risk of being indelicate, he's gone several days without a bowel movement.
George Sr.: How do you know that?
Mary: Well, I was worried about him, so I took a look in his potty journal.
George Sr.: He's still keeping that thing, huh?
Mary: Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted the Polaroid camera.
Quote from the episode A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
George Sr.: So, Sheldon, Missy, we got some exciting news.
Sheldon: Georgie took a bath?
George Jr.: No. And how come I don't get exciting news?
George Sr.: This isn't about you.
Mary: But after dinner, why don't you go rinse off?
Quote from the episode A Research Study and Czechoslovakian Wedding Pastries
Mary: Good gravy, she's sad, Sheldon, come on!