Missy: Did you guys know Paige speaks three languages?
Meemaw: Really? That's impressive.
Missy: You only speak one.
Sheldon: Two. I'm learning conversational Klingon.

Missy: Hey, Mom, can Paige sleep over this weekend?
Mary: I guess, if her mother says okay.
Sheldon: Wait, where is she going to sleep?
Missy: In your bed. You can sleep on the couch.
Sheldon: Absolutely not. I've already changed my brand of loafers, I am not changing my sleeping quarters.

Missy: Fine, Paige and I can share my bed.
Mary: You okay with that, Shelly?
Sheldon: I trust you two will stay quiet throughout the evening and go to sleep at the appropriate time?
Missy: Absolutely.
Sheldon: All right, then. I'm okay with it, Mom.
Meemaw: How is he ever gonna get through this world?

George Sr.: What, the girls leave you out of their little picnic?
Mary: Oh, they invited him.
George Sr.: Well, then why ain't you out there?
Sheldon: Eat outdoors? Do I look like a hippie to you?

George Jr.: I thought Paige was your friend.
Sheldon: She's more of a colleague.
George Jr.: Oh.
Sheldon: Although for reasons unknown, she's currently behaving like a ten-year-old.
Mary: Maybe that's because she is a ten-year-old.
Sheldon: Still no excuse.

Paige: That's when the bloodthirsty Goatman - part goat, part man - crept up on the sleeping children.
Missy: No.
Paige: And sank his sharp little teeth into their necks,
Missy: No.
Paige: And drank their blood!
Sheldon: No.
Paige: Problem?
Sheldon: Several. First of all, goats are herbivores. They don't eat meat, let alone drink blood.
Missy: Maybe the half man part drinks blood.
Sheldon: Don't even get me started on the "half man" stuff.

Sheldon: Well, I for one plan to do something about it.
Tam: Like what?
Sheldon: I'm going to goof off, engage in horseplay, and if time permits, be quite immature.
Tam: If time permits?
Sheldon: I have homework, too.

Sheldon: Mind if I join you?
Missy: Doing what?
Sheldon: Swinging.
Missy: Seriously?
Sheldon: Yes.
Missy: It's my hope to feel the wind in my hair and be carefree.
Missy: Um, okay. ... Sheldon threw up on me. Sheldon threw up on me!

Sheldon: Excuse me, I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Glenn: Rack in the corner.
Sheldon: Thank you. "If it's funny, it's a Bazinga." Interesting.

Sheldon: Dad, would you care for a piece of gum?
George Sr.: No, thank you.
Sheldon: Please, take a piece of gum.
George Sr.: Why?
Sheldon: Just please. Bazinga.

Sheldon: Georgie? Georgie?
George Jr.: What?
Sheldon: Would you like some salted mixed nuts?
George Jr.: Nah.
Sheldon: Look, they're the fancy kind.
George Jr.: That's a trick can.
Sheldon: No, it's not. Listen. When you shake it, there's a rattling sound, as if nuts are inside.
George Jr.: Fine. [George opens the can]
Sheldon: [SCREAMS] Bazinga.

Billy Sparks: Sparks residence, Billy speaking.
Sheldon: This is the electric company.
Billy Sparks: Hello.
Sheldon: I'm calling to see if your refrigerator is running.
Billy Sparks: I'll go check. ... I'm back. It's running.
Sheldon: Well, then you better go catch it. Bazinga.

Sheldon: Hello, um, Meemaw, this is Sheldon. If you were home, I was going to say, "Is Mr. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Is Mrs. Wall there?" And then you would say, "No." And then I would say, "Well, if there are no walls, then how does your roof stay up?" Um, okay. Bazinga.

Missy: That was pathetic.
Sheldon: It was. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.
Missy: I guess you're gonna grow up to be a weirdo.
Sheldon: I suppose I am. Life is so confusing. I always hoped it would be easier for me when I grew up, but now I'm not so sure it will.
Missy: It's gonna be all right. [LOUD FLATULENCE SOUND] You were faking?
Sheldon: Bazinga.

Mr. Givens: All right, with Thanksgiving weekend approaching, it's the perfect opportunity to observe family dynamics and how our parents, relatives and siblings affect us. Now, the-
Sheldon: Yes, Sheldon. I don't find that interesting.
Mr. Givens: Well, tough knuckles, that's the assignment. Now, you'll all be expected to collect data on your family, form a hypothesis, and make a prediction.
Sheldon: So you're giving us homework for Thanksgiving?
Mr. Givens: Yes.
Sheldon: Oh, boy!

Sheldon: Subject D is attempting to influence Subject G regarding relocating.
George Sr.: What about you, Sheldon?
Sheldon: What about me what?
George Sr.: Could you ever see yourself leaving Medford?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm unable to express an opinion at this time.
George Sr.: Why not?
Sheldon: In the interest of science, I have to remain a neutral observer.
George Sr.: Glad I asked.

Missy: Don't be scared, Sheldon, it's just a parade.
Sheldon: I already don't like dogs. Gigantic and floating does not help.

Sheldon: Oh dear, Big Bird.

Mary: Shelly?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Mom, but if I answer that question, I'd be violating my experimental protocol.
Mary: Okay, moving on.

Sheldon: Well, I was supposed to observe family dynamics over Thanksgiving for my hypothesis, then make a prediction.
Dr. John Sturgis: Oh. All right. So, um, what did you observe?
Sheldon: My mom and dad arguing over moving to Oklahoma for my dad's job.
Dr. John Sturgis: I would concur with that observation. Now, can you form a hypothesis based on that?
Sheldon: Well, their marriage is a zero sum game. What's good for my father isn't good for my mother and vice versa.
Dr. John Sturgis: Excellent. And your prediction?
Sheldon: Well, based on previous arguments I've observed, my father will try to reassert his dominance by making a meaningless symbolic gesture.
Dr. John Sturgis: Really? That seems a bit of a stretch. [George pulls up in a red Fiero with REO Speedwagon's "Take it on the Run" blaring] I will never question you again.