Sheldon Quotes
Quote from the episode A Parasol and a Hell of an Arm
Sheldon: I can't find an umbrella.
Mary: What do you need an umbrella for? It's gonna be hot and sunny.
Sheldon: I think you've answered your own question.
Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
Dr. John Sturgis: But we haven't cut open the pineapple yet.
Mary: You boys go ahead. We'll eat the pineapple another time.
Sheldon: But we haven't had a chance to talk about science.
George Sr.: Ooh, can Sheldon come?
Sheldon: Can I?
Mary: No.
Sheldon & John: Aw.
Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
Sheldon: Mom, will Dr. Sturgis be coming over again?
Mary: Oh. Um, I don't know.
Sheldon: He should. We had so much fun talking about the mental hospital, we barely got to talk about science.
Mary: Well, I don't know what his plans are.
Sheldon: Is Meemaw coming for dinner tonight?
Mary: No. She is busy.
Sheldon: With Dr. Sturgis? Maybe I can join them. All my fun facts make me a welcome addition to any dinner date.
Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
Dr. John Sturgis: It's just so wonderful to see you all again.
Mary: We've been looking forward to it.
Sheldon: We sure have. [whispering] One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
Dr. John Sturgis: Uh, why are you counting?
Mary: You know Shelly. He loves his numbers.
Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
Dr. John Sturgis: It's so good to see you.
Sheldon: I don't normally do this, but put her there.
Dr. John Sturgis: No mitten. I'm honored.
Quote from the episode A Pineapple and the Bosom of Male Friendship
Sheldon: Meemaw and Dr. Sturgis are out front. They're walking up the path. They see me. I'm waving. They waved back. They're close to the door. Even closer. Almost there. Door... [doorbell rings] Bell!
Quote from the episode Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
Sheldon: The timeline doesn't make sense. I mean, it lists Samwise Gamgee's birth year as both 2963 and 2980.
Ms. Hutchins: Maybe he lied about his age.
Sheldon: Why?
Ms. Hutchins: I don't know. Maybe he thinks his neck makes him look older than he is.
Sheldon: But he's only in his 30s. That's young.
Ms. Hutchins: Thank you.
Sheldon: For a hobbit. For a human, that's mommy-age.
Ms. Hutchins: Thank you.
Quote from the episode Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
Sheldon: [as Gollum] We're never going to figures it out.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We can, we're smarts. We're so smarts. Our brains is precious.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] If our brains is precious, we're wasting it on hobbitses. We like sciences.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] We took a break from sciences. It was making us crazy.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] And look at us now. Look at what those nasty hobbitses have done to us.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] No, it was physicses. Physicses did this to us.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [as Smeagol] Physicses.
Sheldon: [as Gollum] Hobbitses.
Sheldon: [in bed] Ow!
Missy: I warned you.
Quote from the episode Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
Sheldon: Mom. Mom.
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I was Gollum and Smeagol and I was in a cave fighting with myself over physics and hobbits. And then I realized that even though physics is frustrating, it won't turn me into a tormented creature who bites the heads off fish. Okay, good night.
George Sr.: [to Mary] I've been doing a great job with Missy. This one's on you.
Quote from the episode Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
Sheldon: I've tried a few different activities, but whatever I do just leads me back to science.
Ms. Hutchins: Well, let's think about it. What's the opposite of science?
Sheldon: Science is based in facts, and the opposite of facts is fiction.
Ms. Hutchins: How about fantasy?
Sheldon: Magic and dragons.
Ms. Hutchins: We have a whole section here.
Sheldon: Ooh, that sounds intellectually bankrupt. I'll give it a shot.
Quote from the episode Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
Sheldon: I'm so used to thinking about science, I'm not sure how to make myself stop. As soon as I think about not thinking about it, I'm thinking about it.
Meemaw: Well, why don't you just think about something else?
Sheldon: Like what?
Meemaw: I don't know. Read a comic book?
Sheldon: How do you think the spider that bit Peter Parker got radioactive? Science. How do you think Bruce Banner got exposed to gamma rays? Science.
Meemaw: All right.
Sheldon: When the Green Goblin flies-
Meemaw: I said all right.
Sheldon: Science.
Quote from the episode Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
Meemaw: Come on, Sheldon. Let's get that blood pumping.
Sheldon: I'd rather not.
Meemaw: Do it. A little exercise will help get your head out of your butt. ... What do you think?
Sheldon: I think I hate this.
Meemaw: Well, you're not thinking about science now, am I right?
Sheldon: I'm thinking about how miserable I am.
Quote from the episode Hobbitses, Physicses and a Ball with Zip
Mary: Baby, what are you doing?
Sheldon: Working.
Mary: Have you been out here all night?
Sheldon: No. Why, what time is it?
Mary: 7:30.
Sheldon: Oh. Then yes.
Quote from the episode An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
Sheldon: Did you have tuna for lunch or do you just smell like that all the time?
Clara: What?
Sheldon: Did you have tuna for lunch or do you smell like I heard it.
Clara: I'm just wondering who raised you.
Sheldon: My mother and father, and I suppose my meemaw.
Clara: Well, they don't seem like they're doing a great job.
Sheldon: Tell me about it. It's been quite the week.
Clara: I'm sure I'll regret this, but how so?
Sheldon: Before I tell you the story, how much do you know about the mathematics of robotic communication? That's okay. I'll put it into terms a bus lady can understand. There's a wide range of protocols used for inter-robotic...
Quote from the episode An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
Sheldon: And then they grounded me. Can you believe it?
Clara: Yes.
Sheldon: But I didn't do anything wrong.
Clara: You did everything wrong. You were nothing but rude and ungrateful.
Sheldon: You really think so?
Clara: The only selfish person in that story is you.
Sheldon: There's a Star Trek episode called "The Devil in the Dark" where the miners thought the Horta was the monster, but actually the miners were the monsters because they were killing its eggs. Are you saying it's like that?
Clara: Sure.
Quote from the episode An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
Clara: So how old is this professor friend of yours?
Sheldon: 73 and a half.
Clara: And why are you going to see him?
Sheldon: Because everything made sense before he went away, and now no one's on my side.
Clara: So you think only a person in a mental hospital can understand you?
Sheldon: Correct.
Clara: That's the first thing you've said that sounds right.
Quote from the episode An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
Sheldon: I think you all understand why I wanted to show you this.
George Sr.: No.
Sheldon: It's an apology. I was the miners, you were the Horta.
Meemaw: How about just saying, "I'm sorry"?
Sheldon: Wow, you're really not getting this. Let's watch it again.
Quote from the episode An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
Clara: Anyone sitting here?
Sheldon: No.
Clara: Aren't you a little young to be traveling alone?
Sheldon: Yes, but I'm quite a capable traveler. I've memorized the entire bus schedule for the state of Texas. Ask me anything.
Clara: No, thanks.
Sheldon: Okay, but if at any point you'd like to know what time the bus from Waco arrives in Houston, ask away. 4:15, except on Fridays when they make a local stop in Huntsville.
Clara: No wonder this seat was empty.
Quote from the episode An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
Sheldon: Hello. Am I correct that the bus to Dallas has a stop in Rusk?
Stan: Yup.
Sheldon: I'd like to buy one ticket, please.
Stan: You need an adult to buy it.
Sheldon: Oh, I didn't know.
Stan: That's the rules.
Sheldon: I'm just trying to visit my friend in the hospital. Not the regular kind of hospital, a psychiatric hospital. He's actually a brilliant scientist in the field of theoretical physics. Dr. John Sturgis, you may have heard of him. Anyway, he's a great guy. We're almost the same height... And then he and my meemaw became a romantic item, not that there haven't been bumps in the road. I actually helped them by writing up a relationship agreement. I love drawing up contracts. But I don't love drawing. Interesting. Anyway, he doesn't drive. Maybe one day he'll take a bus and you'll get to meet him. Anyway... Even though I'm clearly her favorite grandchild, she swatted my bottom. It didn't hurt that much physically, but emotionally, it stung like the dickens.
Stan: Here you go. One ticket to Dallas with a stop in Rusk.
Sheldon: But that's against the rules.
Stan: I'm an adult, I bought it.
Sheldon: Ooh, a loophole. Thank you. I'd tell you all about the etymology of the word "loophole," but I have a bus to catch.
Quote from the episode An Entrepreneurialist and a Swat on the Bottom
Mary: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Sheldon: Yes. I really wanted to go to this lecture, and I understand that I upset Meemaw very much. So which one of you will be taking me?
Mary: No one's taking you.
George Sr.: You're not going, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You two are even more selfish than Meemaw.
[cut to Sheldon in his bedroom:]
Missy: How long you grounded for?
Sheldon: A month.
Missy: That sounds right.
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