[on the video tape:]
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper, and this is Why Sheldon Cooper Should Go to College. I realize attending college in another state or country is unrealistic at this time. Which is why I'm proposing that I live at home but enroll full-time to continue my studies with Dr. Sturgis at East Texas Tech. I firmly believe that I'm ready for this next step in my academic life. But don't just take it from me...

Sheldon: Thank you for this opportunity to plead my case. And I'd like to thank my cameraman and driver, Dad.
George Sr.: What, I'm not even, like, assistant director?
Sheldon: No. Sit back, enjoy.

Sheldon: I've put together a presentation detailing the reasons why I should be allowed to go to college, and I'd like you to watch it with an open mind.
Mary: I can do that.
Sheldon: Excellent. Is Meemaw here? I smell cigarettes.

George Sr.: You ready?
Sheldon: Yes.
George Sr.: Okay, we're rolling.
Sheldon: Hello, Mother. I'd like to present my case as to why I should be allowed to go to East Texas Tech next year. And I'll keep it simple so you don't get confused.
George Sr.: Stop.
Sheldon: Something in my teeth?

George Sr.: So, we agree that the only way this is gonna happen right now is if you stay local.
Sheldon: I can always go away for grad school someday. And truth be told, I don't have the emotional maturity to squish my own bugs.

Sheldon: Now you don't want me to go to college either?
George Sr.: I didn't say that. I'm just saying, given how young you are, we need to be realistic.
Sheldon: I'll have you know I recently took care of my own boo-boo.
George Sr.: And as grown-up as that makes you sound, I don't think it's gonna convince your mother.
Sheldon: What will convince her?
George Sr.: I don't know, but I'm sure between the two of us, we can come up with a plan.
Sheldon: Well, you managed to get her to marry you, so you do have a track record.

Mary: Hey. What are you doing with him? I thought you were in your room.
Sheldon: Oh, don't worry. I was.
George Sr.: I need to talk to your mother. Go back to your room.
Sheldon: All right.
Mary: And this time, stay there.
Sheldon: Aw.

Sheldon: Dad.
George Sr.: What the hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: I need to talk to you.
George Sr.: How'd you even find me?
Sheldon: It's not like you come home smelling like coffee.

Mary: I'm home.
Sheldon: Would you care to explain this letter, which I didn't read but legally know the contents of?

Sheldon: [on the phone] So if I don't actually look at the letter, legally I'm in the clear? Thank you. This has been very helpful. And if in the future, you have any physics questions, Janice has my info.

Missy: Interesting.
Sheldon: What does it say? No, don't tell me. Okay, tell me. No, don't!
Missy: Sheldon, if I tell you but you never look at it, then you didn't break the law, right?
[later:]
Janice: [answers phone] Law offices of Morris, Morris & Yorn. Janice speaking.
Sheldon: [on the phone] Hello. I'd like to speak to either Morris, Morris or Yorn.
Janice: May I ask what it is in regard to?
Sheldon: Well, I was slicing a hot dog...

Sheldon: I also found this letter from Caltech. I wonder why she was hiding it.
Missy: So read it.
Sheldon: I'm not allowed to. It's not addressed to me.
Missy: Who cares?
Sheldon: The U.S. Postal Service is a government agency. Mail is protected by federal law.
Missy: I'll read it.
Sheldon: Don't. If you do, I'll be an accessory to the crime.

Adult Sheldon: While I made my peace with not having the solution to a unified field theory, my intestines did not make peace with concentrated chamomile syrup.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Bathroom emergency! Bathroom emergency!

Mary: So, Sheldon, little bit of dental news. You have a baby tooth that never fell out.
Sheldon: Neat. Even my teeth are stubborn.

Ms. Hutchins: Hi, Sheldon, what can I do for you?
Sheldon: Do you have any books or videos on the Lamaze technique?
Ms. Hutchins: Uh-oh. Georgie get that girl pregnant?
Sheldon: It's for me. I need to have a tooth pulled, and I'd like to do it without putting my brain on drugs.
Ms. Hutchins: Okay.
Sheldon: I've seen that commercial with the egg in the frying pan. Very effective.

Dr. Bowers: So, you don't need to worry about needles 'cause we're gonna put you under for the procedure.
Sheldon: No, thank you. There are risks associated with anesthesia.
Dr. Bowers: Feel free to jump in.
Mary: Are there any other options?
Dr. Bowers: Well, he could stay awake for it, but we'd have to give him novocaine.
Sheldon: No needles. Just pull the tooth.
Sheldon: [exhaling rhythmically]
Dr. Bowers: Okay. Just so you know, I'm gonna be using this.
Sheldon: Drugs, please.

Dr. Bowers: Okay, Sheldon, we're gonna put the mask on. Now you just breathe normally and count back from 100.
Sheldon: But counting back from 100 isn't complex enough to occupy my mind.
Dr. Bowers: You're up again.
Mary: Why don't you think of something more sciencey? Like counting pi. That's a thing, right? Pi?
Sheldon: I can't count pi, it's an irrational number. But I can embrace the spirit of your proposal and calculate the matrix coefficients necessary for a unified field theory.
Dr. Bowers: Do that. Hit it.
Sheldon: [slurring] Of the four fundamental forces, the most difficult to unify is gravity because...
Dr. Bowers: Oh, thank God.

[fantasy scene:]
Dr. John Sturgis: Step right up. Step right up for your chance to meet Thoth! The Egyptian god of knowledge. He has all the answers. No question too big or small. Hello, young man. Do you have a question you'd like to pose?
Sheldon: I do, but nobody in the history of science has ever been able to answer it.
Dr. John Sturgis: [laughs] Well, they haven't asked the great god Thoth! Right this way! Ask your question.

[fantasy scene:]
Sheldon: Do you really possess all knowledge?
Thoth: You only get one question, kid. You want that to be it?
Sheldon: Oh. No. How can I unify the four fundamental forces of the universe?
Thoth: Now we're talking. In order to unify gravity, you must first understand that it is a distortion of space-time.
[reality:]
Sheldon: [mumbling] Gravity. Of course.
Dr. Bowers: He even talks in his sleep. Why am I not surprised?

Sheldon: So none of you can help me?
Albert Einstein: I believe I can. Sheldon, if I was offered a choice between all the knowledge of the universe or the endless pursuit of it, I would choose the pursuit.
Sheldon: That's very insightful.
Richard Feynman: Hold it, hold it... He didn't come up with that! He stole it from Gotthold Lessing.
Professor Proton: Who's-who's Gotthold Lessing?
Cyndi Lauper: [v.o.] He's an 18th century German philosopher. Now do you mind? We girls are trying to have some fun over here.
Einstein: Apologies.
Richard Feynman: Sorry, Cyndi Lauper.
Stephen Hawking: Our bad.
Professor Proton: I-I like fun.